Apologize
1423 Words
Kevin got up from the table and walk around it . . . He stop in front of me . Sometimes I just want to paint the words "It's my fault" across my forehead to save people the time of being pissed off at me.
I get up and pace the room, as if I can leave my guilt behind me. But it tracks me as I walk, an ugly shadow made by myself.
Phaedra keeps saying she's being selfish. That she hates herself for it, but she does it anyway. She can't deny herself what she wants, even if it brings about her downfall and his." "And have you learned anything from our literary parallel?" "Not really, I keep thinking that she would do it all over again if there were a chance...a chance that it could go right. Even if 99 times out of a 100 the story ends badly, it's worth it if only once she gets a happy ending.
" Please don't look at me like that ." I said to him .
" Okay , I will not look you and I don't want to . . . Vivian I shouldn't have speak in your family matter but I can't watch it like that . . . look what you say to your mother was extremely wrong , what she want is all just to see her children and I know her way of this doing wasn't right but what she would do if you guys acting like that . "
" You are blaming me for everything ? but it just doesn't have only my fault . "
" I am not saying that it and you shouldn't have say that your mom . . . just imagine what if when Lilly grew old at your age and did this to you . . . imagine how bad you feel . "
I glance on the Lilly and hold her little hand and Who should I blame?
When I think, when I write
Should I start with the name?
In my heart I am hurt
And the guilty are the same
Yet, everyone is innocent
They are friends as they claim
Then who should I blame?!
When you act that you love
And to win is your aim
It's a shame! It's a shame!
I'm a human not a game
I was dumb, I was fool with an F
I believe, I forgive
I'm the one to blame.
I'm the one to blame. I feel so much,
Say so little,
Why is my courage
Hiding under guilt
I want to shout
& cry & slam & curse
Instead, I shut my rage
Turn them into words
I said to Kevin, " I feel really bad and heartbroken and tell me what do I do now ?
" Say sorry to her , apologize to her . . do something to make her happy . " he said and I thought , what do I do ? An idea pop up in my head . I told Kevin to hold Lilly and can he feed her and he told me , mom already feed her and which making me even more guilty and Kevin holds Lilly and ask me what are you you going to do ?
" Just wait here ? I said and spinned around and walking out of the dinning room ,making my way to the stairs approaching my room .
As I walk in to the room , I immediately grab my hand bag and take out a paper and pen and sat myself on the desk . I start writing a letter . . .
p
Dear Mom,
I can’t begin to imagine how much I hurt you when I said I regretted having you as a mom. I know it must have made a big hole in your heart and dented your feelings towards me. I just kept talking and talking, saying all those hurtful and wrong things I should never have said to you in any lifetime, mom. Saying I wish I was an orphan and watching your reaction made me realize how much of a mistake I made, and I have felt regretful about it ever since.
I am so sorry mom and I am writing this to express how bad I feel and how I wish you would forgive me. None of what I said came from my heart and I promise to make it up to you the best way I can if you would only forgive me. I know the extent of what I said, and I know they are not things to easily forgive, or forget, but I am here waiting patiently . . . . . . . . . . . I
am sorry for always falling short of your expectations, I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you, and I am begging for your forgiveness. I had no right to act the way I did and I realize it all now. I love you mom and you will always be my bedrock . know that this is coming late.
I do not know how else to say this Mom but I am so sorry. I am not saying this because I feel bad that I was absolutely wrong, and you were right; I am saying it because, I could have at least done so without offending you or ignoring you.
I realize there is more wisdom in the advice you give me than I know, do forgive me . There are some things I need to say to you, but I can’t bring myself to say it to your face. I know it is not news to you that I have been arrogant, childish and ego headed.
What effect these actions of mine have on you, or how they make you feel as a mother . I understand how you feel because I'm also a mother . please forgave me . . . "
I’m stuck between a letter and a word
pushing towards the end of a line
in many a meaning, I’ve shamefully erred
to make sense of a sentence and a rhyme
all this effort consumes me
It bleeds my heart to think
my soul is weighing heavy
till poetry pours out of me like ink
many a thought often slay me
I rewrite to find release
I’m lost, till you find me
crying out, “read me…please”
I folded the letter and got up from the desk and And tears came before I could stop them, boiling hot then instantly freezing on my face, and what was the point in wiping them off? Or pretending? I let them fall. .
I reach out for the door and make my way out of the bedroom . . . . . . thinking ,
It’s quite sad really
That every moment I’ve had to myself
I try to figure out what I have done wrong
Like there is absolutely no way
That all this pain could have been caused by you . . . . . . . . . . .
It’s the buzz to the brain and the lack of restraint and all this pain I carry with me
It’s the way it catches fire and makes me a liar , so I have reason to hate myself . It’s the way people say my name
without any understanding of what it means . . . It’s the reflex, I guess, that causes all this pain seeking. I don’t get how some people Can shut off their feelings And act like they never cared
For the person they claimed to love. baffles me to no end and causes me to wonder Did they even love at all
Did they actually care . it takes me months Sometimes even years
To get over someone and I’m never truly over them .There’s always a piece of love
Still lingering for that person .That simple spark of compassion.That hopes they are doing okay . I get flashbacks of events and feel how I felt in those moments . The feelings I had for them
Come back just as strong.Even seeing the person.Can bring them back in full
Making me question why ?Why did things go wrong?What happened to the feelings they had?
Where did they go that you grow so cold
How can I ever get to that point
Of finally not caring at all .
- Writer
