A Piece Of Memory

Storia 8 : From The Deepest Heart

I didn't come to Sarah's house again the next night. Because Sarah asked me to do that. She said that her father had just arrived. So, there is no other choice but to let go of my feelings for a moment.

But the days that passed suddenly felt so heavy. Because it's not just the phone that's impossible here. Even sending a letter seemed impossible. Time seems to be long. Which every second is getting more and more painful. Inside the house, when I returned alone, I had almost no free time but to think about Sarah anymore. I would start thinking about it when I was going to sleep, and think about it again when I woke up, which made my days feel hopeless.

On the fourth night, when I returned to duty at Dulin again, all I could do next was stare at the photo of Sarah on my cell phone. I can't even forget every single one of her memories since that photo was taken. When the light recorded us together, on a day full of laughter, even I could still clearly see her face there, which she deliberately brought closer to me. Then with her gentle smile too, we captured the moment together.

But the most interesting thing was when I found a photo of her alone. I think this is the single best image I finally have. With the sunlight gently reflecting on her face, the cool air was all around us, which made her charm shine even more clearly.

I remember playing with her computer, take a look at the photo I mean, before I decided to steal it secretly. I know Sarah totally knew what I was doing, but she seems doesn’t do anything either to stop it. Which shows that she likes it too. And under the light of the crescent moon, and in the dim light of the oil lamp, I tried to examine every part of her face. Observing all the points I haven't realized yet. Which might make me prettier to look at.

Sarah, as far as I know she has a small mole under her left lip, which is opposite the mole under her right eye, a sign that I rarely noticed before. But strangely, it was its presence now that made her suddenly even cuter to look at. Which makes me unable to stop myself from looking at it. But there are times when I run out of power on my phone again. Because there is no electricity or anything like that. That's the fact that I really hate.

I know a part of me also wonders if she feels the same way for me. One fact that I will never know. And more than once the question suddenly came to haunt me, making me feel as if I had made the wrong decision. Even I suddenly cursed myself for leaving so quickly. We can meet somewhere else. Anywhere just the two of us. For something romantic maybe. But this is what has to happen. I know if I have to move on with my life, because I also have responsibilities that I must fulfill now.

In the days that followed, when the sky was completely dark, I often found myself lamenting to the night sky, feeling myself disappearing in their boundless void. Because we are only a few kilometers apart, less than a day's journey, but it is too difficult for being together. And what's even worse too, here I have no friends to talk to. Especially the fact that I am also a loner. And this is what makes my feelings suffer even longer. Three weeks, I kept repeating it in my heart, and that meant another 504 hours until we met. But for some reason, those three numbers felt too much. Although each number contains only very simple units. Even in reality, I couldn't hold back more than half of it.

And again in Thursday, when I set foot in Welmina again, this is where I can release a little bit of my longing. I realized that we didn't use those times to meet. But I know that there are many other things I can do via messages.

I immediately told her that I just came. And quite fun actually, when the reply I received immediately came within seconds. Although the response is not always the same as I previously expected. It's only been a week, why are you back? My father would be furious if he saw you here! Which she sent through her message. I knew she didn't really expect me to come. But that was enough to cheer me up a bit.

Next, I started to say that she was the one who caused me like this. And when she asked me why I blamed her, I held myself back from being honest. I know well enough that Sarah really understands what I'm saying. And I also know that he is exploring the situation that I was in. Sometimes, a woman purposely tests men to see how serious they are. So, this is what I've been thinking all along.

I never called her. Although on the other hand I also want to hear her voice. Because talking to him there for some reason only made me feel even more nervous. Which was far scarier than meeting her in person. So, here's what I did during those weeks over. I will be going back and forth from and back to Welmina again. In the span of only a day or two. I know I might look stupid for that one. But love really changes everything. Even anyone can see the difference easily.

It wasn't until the following Thursday, which meant it had been three times since I'd been back and forth to Welmina again, that I started to get up the nerve to call her. I even took the slightest opportunity to text her first. One more stupid thing I ended up doing. But this is where I first started to be honest.

I told him that my life had suddenly felt strange the last few days. She also heard my story as I kept thinking about our time together. From the time we had dinner by the river on New Year's Eve, when we went to the waterfall and got caught in the rain together, to the few nights I spent at her house. I said all of that really meant a lot to me. All of which feel more beautiful when I can continue to remember it. Sarah, maybe she didn't say anything in response. But I know she also likes it when I can talk. I can even hear her laugh from there. As if she was waiting for a miracle or something.

I haven't said that I really love her. I didn’t even praise her on being pretty or anything like that. Even though I know I really need it too. It wasn't until three days when I come and went again, exactly on a Sunday, my shortest time in Welmina, I really couldn't help but have to say it.

In the message, which I send in five or six stanzas paragraphs, I finally say that I love her. She is the one who made my life like this, she is the one I want to accompany my times in the future, not just for my free time, but for all my remaining time. I want to look into the future with her. I even said that I would marry her someday. I know it's another dumbest thing I've ever done for the sake of my feelings. Because it's inappropriate right, if I just express it through a message? Which even I wish I never did. My fear of losing completely left me not knowing what else to do.

I just want her to know how I feel. Then give me a chance to rephrase it. Hopefully she doesn't go anywhere else. I even promised to say it verbally at our next meeting. Even so, it won't happen in the near future. Part of me was anxious, scared, but happy all the time. But what is no less surprising is Sarah who also never replied to every verse of the message I sent to her. I don't know how she feels. Which I think she's not quite ready. After all, there are various possible scenarios, right? And in this world, nothing is impossible.

On Sunday, a few days before those painful days ended, I decided to set foot in Welmina again. I immediately unlocked my phone when I got there. Then send a message if I want to meet him soon. I didn't even have to wait until Sarah gave me the answer. And immediately set foot into his house until the full seconds of the drama ended. I could feel the scorching sun rays all over my body. And it didn't take long for me to sweat again. But this was our first meeting after eighteen days apart. That feels like my whole life.

Her house is always open. Except at night, but I still need to knock on the door when I get there. Next to her house, I could see Otto's vehicle parked in the outer courtyard. Which indicates that he is also inside. I feel anxious and nervous all the time. And it's not just because her father made me this way. But also, more towards Sarah who now really knows how I feel for her. In other words, I can't act like I used to anymore. I can't act cool in front of her, or just pretend it. Because there's nothing left to hide anymore now.

In the end, it was Sarah who came out to the door. And she's almost always as surprised as every time I come. Even though she still looked enthusiastic when she saw my presence.

"Gosh. My father is at home. Are you sure you dare to come in?” She greeted with a smile. This time with an almost whispering tone.

"I know. That's why I came." Then I said. And she smiled again before agreeing.

This time she wore a long dress again. With her long hair tied back. But I had refused when she invited me in. So, we just sat on his porch again this time. Although I can't start the conversation right away.

"So, what brought you here?" She said, instantly bringing me back to my presence. "And don't tell me you don't know why!" she added and she laughed. I think I was almost as nervous as the first time I came to her house.

But I didn't answer exactly as she asked. Instead, I spoke about the facts of the last few days between us.

"You didn't get my message?"

"Which message…?"

“The message I sent a few days ago. Um… you remember… when I expressed my feelings?” I said. Still feeling anxious to get started. Even I still can't bring myself to tell the truth. I felt my blood rush to my face.

But Sarah was silent for a moment. Before her answer once again made me tense.

And then she muttered. "Are you always like that with women? I mean, say it in a message?” she asked.

I know all that stupidity. A reality that will soon set in. But falling in love with Sarah was completely different from all my previous experiences. Which suddenly made it such an obsession, my priority, that I couldn't take it any longer. What I feel makes me afraid to do something wrong. Something that might hurt her. But strangely, that fear actually made me unable to control myself for not doing a mistake. Even just for a moment.

"I know. But sorry... I... I just don't have a choice. Since we can't meet face to face, so... I have to. I just want you to know, that's all. I mean how I feel." So that you don't go to another heart, I said to myself again. “But I have a plan to tell you later. I mean verbally." This time in a more direct tone.

I saw Sarah turn away for a moment. And try to avoid my gaze. It seemed she was thinking about something else. But even until those seconds were over, she still didn't say anything. That's when I knew she was playing with my feelings.

"What’s your answer, Sarah? I mean... I need to hear it now?" Finally, I asked again.

This time she laughed. “I don't know… I'm so embarrassed right now…” Was all she said. “But…, can we not talk about it anymore? I mean not now?" Then she continued.

To be honest, I was also disappointed to hear the answer. Despite all the anxiety I feel. It's just, I don't know how to talk about all of that and without forcing my feelings. And prefer to keep it to myself. I don't think it's time to go any further. At least we still need time. That's why I started busying myself to think about a new topic in our conversation. So, we can talk again. But suddenly Otto appeared before us. And It stopped us both for a moment.

"When are you coming here, Ryan?" he asked immediately. And we both turned towards the door as soon as we heard his voice.

“Oh…, just now sir…!” This time I offered him a very friendly smile.

"Haven't you been worked since yesterday?"

"No sir. I just..."

"So why did come back again?" he asked. Meanwhile I immediately felt the tension inside my stomach. Apparently, my friendly manner had no effect on him. I think that's how it affects to everyone.

In front of my friends, I might be famous as someone who likes to make fun of him. But here, I suddenly lost all my prestige now. Which makes me silent a thousand languages.

"He's going shopping for a bit! Maybe tomorrow will be back!” Sarah replied, before I could tell anything. Which brought the whole interrogation to a halt. I think Sarah just saved me here.

Finally, Otto drifted away without answering. Besides just telling me to get back to work immediately.

"Don't stay away from work for too long. It hurts my eyes to keep seeing you here, Ryan!” He added too.

I saw him walking towards his motorbike then. While Sarah and I watched behind him. And not long after, I just saw Sarah laughing out loud.

I think I can breathe easy now.

"Your father, doesn't seem to like me?" I said, immediately understanding the situation.

"Yeah, you know that, right?"

"But he already knows that I just came from work."

“I don't know… Maybe it's just because of your attitude back then. Because you're still ditching your work or something. After all, it's not the end of the month. So, it's normal that he's not happy to see you here!”

I nodded. Don't know what else to say. I guess I can only thank you. Although I didn't go into further detail when she asked why.

So, obviously, if our unfriendly relationship is indeed well-founded, right?

Luckily, this meeting was really our last for the day. And I can't imagine what it would be like if Otto had still found me there. Sarah might have saved me for that critical moment earlier. But it won't happen a second time.

Previously, we also had time to discuss a few things before I left her house. When I returned to ask if she was willing to accompany me for a walk. And Sarah totally accepted my invitation without even considering it. "I would really like it." That's what she said. Along with her enthusiastic. I knew beforehand I might have a little trouble finding a suitable place. But once again, Sarah could again guess what was going on in my mind at that moment. While at the same time offending my habit of frequent out of the house or something. While in my heart, I began to realize that I was actually an unreliable guy. But of course, I wished Sarah had never ever noticed it.

So, this is what ended our time together for the afternoon.