Philosophy in the Bedroom

DIALOGUE THE FIRST

DIALOGUE THE FIRSTMADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Good day, my friend. And what ofMonsieur Dolmancé?

LE CHEVALIER — He'll be here promptly at four; we do notdine until seven—and will have, as you see, ample time tochat.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — You know, my dear brother, I dobegin to have a few misgivings about my curiosity and all theobscene plans scheduled for today. Chevalier, you overindulge me,truly you do. The more sensible I should be, the more excited andlibertine this accursed mind of mine becomes—and all that youhave given me but serves to spoil me… At twenty-six, I shouldbe sober and staid, and I'm still nothing but the most licentiousof women... Oh, I've a busy brain, my friend; you'd scarce believethe ideas I have, the things I'd like to do. I supposed that byconfining myself to women I would become better behaved...; thatwere my desires concentrated upon my own s*x I would no longer pantafter yours: pure fantasy, my friend; my imagination has only beenpricked the more by the pleasures I thought to deprive myself of. Ihave discovered that when it is a question of someone like me, bornfor libertinage, it is useless to think of imposing limits orrestraints upon oneself—impetuous desires immediately sweepthem away. In a word, my dear, I am an amphibious creature: I loveeverything, everyone, whatever it is, it amuses me; I should liketo combine every species—but you must admit, Chevalier, is itnot the height of extravagance for me to wish to know this unusualDolmancé who in all his life, you tell me, has been unable tosee a woman according to the prescriptions of common usage, thisDolmancé who, a sodomite out of principle, not only worshipshis own s*x but never yields to ours save when we consent to put athis disposal those so well beloved charms of which he habituallymakes use when consorting with men?

Tell me, Chevalier, if my fancy is not bizarre! I want to beGanymede to this new Jupiter, I want to enjoy his tastes, hisdebauches, I want to be the victim of his errors. Until now, andwell you know it, my friend, until now I have given myself thusonly to you, through complaisance, or to a few of my servants who,paid to use me in this manner, adopted it for profit only. Buttoday it is no longer the desire to oblige nor is it caprice thatmoves me, but solely my own penchants. I believe that, between mypast experiences with this curious mania and the courtesies towhich I am going to be subjected, there is an inconceivabledifference, and I wish to be acquainted with it. Paint yourDolmancé for me, please do, that I may have him well fixed inmy mind before I see him arrive; for you know my acquaintance withhim is limited to an encounter the other day in a house where wewere together for but a few minutes.

LE CHEVALIER — Dolmancé, my dear sister, has justturned thirty-six; he is tall, extremely handsome, eyes very aliveand very intelligent, but all the same there is some suspicion ofhardness, and a trace of wickedness in his features; he has thewhitest teeth in the world, a shade of softness about his figureand in his attitude, doubtless owing to his habit of taking oneffeminate airs so often; he is extremely elegant, has a prettyvoice, many talents, and above all else an exceedingly philosophicbent to his mind.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — But I trust he does not believe inGod!

LE CHEVALIER — Oh, perish the thought! He is the mostnotorious atheist, the most immoral fellow… Oh, no; his isthe most complete and thoroughgoing corruption, and he the mostevil individual, the greatest scoundrel in the world.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Ah, how that warms me! Methinksthat I'll be wild about this man. And what of his fancies,brother?

LE CHEVALIER — You know them full well; Sodom's delightsare as dear to him in their active as in their passive form. Forhis pleasures, he cares for none but men; if however he sometimesdeigns to employ women, it is only upon condition they be obligingenough to exchange s*x with him. I've spoken of you to him; Iadvised him of your intentions, he agrees, and in his turn remindsyou of the rules of the game. I warn you, my dear, he will refuseyou altogether if you attempt to engage him to undertake anythingelse. "What I consent to do with your sister is," he declares, "anextravagance, an indiscretion with which one soils oneself butrarely and only by taking ample precautions."

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Soil oneself!… Precautions...Oh, how I adore the language those agreeable persons use! Betweenourselves, we women also have exclusive words which like these justspoken, give an idea of the profound horror they have of all thosewho show heretical tendencies… Tell me, my dear, has he hadyou? With your adorable face and your twenty years, one may, I daresay, captivate such a man?

LE CHEVALIER — We’ve committed folliestogether—I'll not hide them from you; you have too much witto condemn them. The fact is, I favor women; I only give myself upto these odd whimsies when an attractive man urges me to them. Andthen there's nothing I stop at. I've none of that ludicrousarrogance which makes our young upstarts believe that it's by cutswith your walking stick you respond to such propositions. Is manmaster of his penchants? One must feel sorry for those who havestrange tastes, but never insult them. Their wrong is Nature's too;they are no more responsible for having come into the world withtendencies unlike ours than are we for being born bandy-legged orwell-proportioned. Is it, however, that a man acts insultingly toyou when he manifests his desire to enjoy you? No, surely not; itis a compliment you are paid; why then answer with injuries andinsults? Only fools can think thus; never will you hear anintelligent man discuss the question in a manner different frommine; but the trouble is, the world is peopled with poor idiots whobelieve it is to lack respect for them to avow one finds themfitted for one's pleasures, and who, pampered bywomen—themselves forever jealous of what has the look ofinfringing upon their rights—fancy themselves to be the DonQuixotes of those ordinary rights, and brutalize whoever does notacknowledge the entirety of their extent.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Come, my friend, kiss me. Were youto think otherwise, you'd not be my brother. A few details, Ibeseech you, both with what regards this man's appearance and hispleasures with you.

LE CHEVALIER — One of his friends informed MonsieurDolmancé of the superb member wherewith you know me provided,and he obtained the consent of the Marquis de V*** to bring ustogether at supper. Once there, I was obliged to display myequipment: at first curiosity appeared to be his single motive;however, a very fair ass turned my way, and with which I wasinvited to amuse myself, soon made me see that penchant alone wasthe cause of this examination. I had Dolmancé notice all theenterprise's difficulties; he was steadfast. "A ram holds noterrors for me," he said, "and you'll not have even the glory ofbeing the most formidable amongst the men who have perforated theanus I offer you." The Marquis was on hand; he encouraged us byfingering, dandling, kissing whatever the one or the other of usbrought to light. I took up my position…

“Surely some kind of priming?" I urged. "Nothing of thesort," said the Marquis, "you'll rob Dolmancé of half thesensations he awaits from you; he wants you to cleave him in two,he wants to be torn asunder." "Well," I said, blindly plunging intothe gulf, "he'll be satisfied." Perhaps, my dear sister, you thinkthat I met with a great deal of trouble… not at all; myprick, enormous as it is, disappeared, contrary to all myexpectations, and I touched the bottom of his entrails without thebugger seeming to feel a thing. I dealt kindly with Dolmancé;the extreme ecstasy he tasted, his wrigglings and quiverings, hisenticing utterances, all this soon made me happy too, and Iinundated him. Scarcely was I withdrawn when Dolmancé, turningtoward me, his hair in disarray and his face red as a bacchante:"You see the state you've put me in, my dear Chevalier," said he,simultaneously presenting a pert, tough rogue of a prick, very longand at least six inches around, "deign, O my love, deign to serveme as a woman after having been my lover, and enable me to say thatin your divine arms I have tasted all the delights of the fancy Icherish supremely." Finding as little difficulty in the one as inthe other, I readied myself; the Marquis, dropping his breechesbefore my eyes, begged me to have the kindness to be yet a littleof the man with him while I played wife to his friend; and I dealtwith him as I had with Dolmancé, who paid me back ahundredfold for all the blows wherewith I belabored our third; andsoon, into the depths of my ass, he exhaled that enchanted liquorwith which, at virtually the same instant, I sprayed the bowels ofV***.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — You must have known the mostextreme pleasure, to find yourself thus between two; they say it ischarming.

LE CHEVALIER — My angel, it is surely the best place tobe; but whatever may be said of them, they're all extravaganceswhich I should never prefer to the pleasure of women.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Well, my chivalrous friend, asreward for your touching consideration, today I am going to handover to your passions a young virgin, a girl, more beautiful thanLove itself.

LE CHEVALIER — What! With Dolmancé... you're bringinga woman here?

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — It is a matter of an education;that of a little thing I knew last autumn at the convent, while myhusband was at the baths. We could accomplish nothing there, wedared try nothing, too many eyes were fixed upon us, but we made apromise to meet again, to get together as soon as possible.Occupied with nothing but this desire, I have, in order to satisfyit, become acquainted with her family. Her father is alibertine—I've enthralled him. At any rate, the lovely one iscoming, I am waiting for her; we'll spend two days together…two delicious days; I shall employ the better part of the timeeducating the young lady. Dolmancé and I will put into thispretty little head every principle of the most unbridledlibertinage, we will set her ablaze with our own fire, we will feedher upon our philosophy, inspire her with our desires, and as Iwish to join a little practice to theory, as I like thedemonstrations to keep abreast of the dissertations, I havedestined to you, dear brother, the harvest of Cythera's myrtle, andto Dolmancé shall go the roses of Sodom. I'll have twopleasures at once: that of enjoying these criminal lecheriesmyself, and that of giving the lessons, of inspiring fancies in thesweet innocent I am luring into our nets. Very well, Chevalier,answer me: is the project worthy of my imagination?

LE CHEVALIER — It could not have risen in another: it isdivine, my sister, and I promise to enact to perfection thecharming role you reserve for me. Ah, mischievous one, how muchpleasure you are going to take in educating this child; whatpleasure you will find in corrupting her, in stifling within thisyoung heart every seed of virtue and of religion planted there byher tutors! Actually, all this is too roué for me.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Be certain I'll spare nothing topervert her, degrade her, demolish in her all the false ethicalnotions with which they may already have been able to dizzy her; intwo lessons, I want to render her as criminal as am!… asimpious… as debauched, as depraved. Notify Dolmancé,explain everything to him immediately he gets here so that hisimmoralities' poison, circulating in this young spirit togetherwith the venom I shall inject, will in the shortest possible timewither and still all the seeds of virtue that, but for us, mightgerminate there.

LE CHEVALIER — It would be impossible to find a betterman:

irreligion, impiety, inhumanity, libertinage spill fromDolmancé’s lips as in times past mystic unction fellfrom those of the celebrated Archbishop of Cambrai. He is the mostprofound seducer, the most corrupt, the most dangerous man…Ah, my dear, let your pupil but comply with this teacher'sinstructions, and I guarantee her straightway damned.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — It should certainly not take long,considering the dispositions I know her to possess…

LE CHEVALIER — But tell me, my dear sister, is therenothing to fear from the parents? May not this little one chatterwhen she returns home?

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Have no fears. I have seduced thefather… he's mine. I must confess to you, I surrenderedmyself to him in order to close his eyes: he knows nothing of mydesigns, and will never dare to scan them… I have him. LECHEVALIER — Your methods are appalling!

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Such they must be, else they're notsure.

LE CHEVALIER — And tell me, please, who is thisyoungster?

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Her name is Eugénie, daughterof a

certain Mistival, one of the wealthiest commercial figures inthe capital, aged about thirty-six; her mother is thirty-two at thevery most, and the little girl fifteen. Mistival is as libertine ashis wife is pious. As for Eugénie, dear one, I should in vainundertake to figure her to you; she is quite beyond my descriptivepowers… satisfy yourself with the knowledge that assuredlyneither you nor I have ever set eyes on anything so delicious,anywhere.

LE CHEVALIER — But at least sketch a little if you cannotpaint the portrait, so that, knowing fairly well with whom I am todeal, I may better fill my imagination with the idol to which Imust sacrifice.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Very well, my friend: her abundantchestnut hair—there's too much of it to grasp in one'shand—descends to below her buttocks; her skin is of adazzling whiteness, her nose rather aquiline, her eyes jet blackand of a warmth!… Ah, my friend, 'tis impossible to resistthose eyes… You've no idea of the stupidities they've drivenme to… Could you but see the pretty eyebrows that crownthem… the extraordinary lashes that border them… A verysmall mouth, superb teeth, and, all of it, of a freshness!…One of her beauties is the elegant manner whereby her lovely headis attached to her shoulders, the air of nobility she has when sheturns… Eugénie is tall for her age: one might think herseventeen; her figure is a model of elegance and finesse, herthroat, her bosom delicious… There indeed are the twoprettiest little breasts!… Scarcely enough there to fill thehand, but so soft… so fresh… so very white! Twentytimes have I gone out of my head while kissing them; and had youbeen able to see how she came alive under my caresses… howher two great eyes represented to me the whole state of hermind… My friend, I ignore the rest. Ah I but if I must judgeof her by what I know, never, I say, had Olympus a divinitycomparable with this… But I hear her… leave us; go outby way of the garden to avoid meeting her, and be on time at therendezvous.

LE CHEVALIER — The portrait you have just made for meassures my promptness… Ah, heaven I to go out… to leaveyou, in the state I am in… Adieu!… a kiss… akiss, my dear sister, to satisfy me at least till then. (She kisseshim, touches the prick straining in his breeches, and the young manleaves in haste.)