Philosophy in the Bedroom

DIALOGUE THE THIRD -1

DIALOGUE THE THIRDMADAME DE SAINT-ANGE EUGENIE DOLMANCE EUGENIE, greatly

surprised to find in this room a man whom she had not expected— Great God! Dearest friend, we are betrayed!

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE, equally surprised — Strange,Monsieur, to find you here. Were you not expected at four?

DOLMANCE — One always hastens the advent of that happinesswhich comes of seeing you, Madame. I encountered Monsieur, yourbrother— he anticipated the usefulness of my presence at thelessons you are to give Mademoiselle, and knew this to be thelyceum where they would be given. Unperceived, he introduced meinto this chamber, far from imagining you might disapprove; and asfor himself, aware his demonstrations will only be necessary afterthe dissertations on theory, he will not make his appearance untillater.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Indeed, Dolmancé, this is anunforeseen turn…

EUGENIE — By which I am not deceived, my good friend; itis all your work… At least, you should have consulted me...instead of exposing me to this shame. It will certainly prejudiceall our projects.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Eugénie, I protest—mybrother is responsible for this, not I. But there's no cause foralarm: I know Dolmancé for a most agreeable man, and hepossesses just that degree of philosophic understanding we requirefor your enlightenment. He can be of nothing but the greatestservice to our schemes. As for his discretion, I am as willing toanswer for it as for my own. Therefore, dear heart, familiarizeyourself with this man who in all the world is the best endowed toform you and to guide you into a career of the happiness and thepleasures we wish to taste together.

EUGENIE, blushing — Oh I still find all this mostupsetting… DOLMANCE — Come, my lovely Eugénie, putyourself at ease... Modesty is an antiquated virtue which you, sorich in charms, ought to know wonderfully well how to dowithout.

EUGENIE — But decency…

DOLMANCE — Ha! A Gothicism not very much defended thesedays. It is so hostile to Nature! (Dolmancé seizesEugénie, folds her in his arms, and kisses her.)

EUGENIE, struggling in his embrace — That's quite enough,Monsieur… Indeed, you show me very little consideration!

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Eugénie, listen to me: let'sboth of us cease behaving like prudes with this charming gentleman;I am not better acquainted with him than are you, yet watch how Igive myself to him. (She kisses him indecently on the mouth.)Imitate me.

EUGENIE — Oh, Most willingly; where might I find betterexamples? (She puts herself in Dolmancé’s arms; hekisses her ardently, tongue in mouth.)

DOLMANCE — Amiable, delicious creature!

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE, kissing her in the same way — Didstthink, little chit, I'd not have my turn as well? (At this pointDolmancé, holding first one in his arms, then the other,tongues both, each for a quarter of an hour, and they both tongueone another and him.)

DOLMANCE — Ah, such preliminaries make me drunk withdesire! Mesdames, upon my word, it is extraordinarily warm here;more lightly attired, we might converse with infinitely greatercomfort.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — You are right, sit; we'll don thesegauze negligees of our charms, they'll conceal only those that mustbe hidden from desire.

EUGENIE — Indeed, dear one, you lead me to do things!

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE, helping her undress — Completelyridiculous, isn't it?

EUGENIE — Most improper at the very least, I'd say…My how you kiss me!

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Pretty bosom!… a rose onlynow reaching full bloom.

DOLMANCE, considering, without touching, Eugénie's breasts— And which promises yet other allurements… infinitelyto be preferred.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Infinitely to be preferred?

DOLMANCE — Oh yes, upon my honor. (Saying which,Dolmancé appears eager to turn Eugénie about in order toinspect her from the rear.)

EUGENIE — No, I beg of you!

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — No, Dolmancé… I don'twant you yet to

see... an object whose sway over you is so great that, the imageof it once fixed in your head, you are unable thereafter to reasoncoolly. We need your lessons, first give them to us—andafterward the myrtle you covet will be your reward.

DOLMANCE — Very well, but in order to demonstrate, inorder to give this beautiful child the first lessons oflibertinage, we will require willing cooperation from you, Madame,in the exercise that must follow.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — So be it! All right then, look youhere— I'm entirely naked. Make your dissertations upon me asmuch as you please.

DOLMANCE — Oh, lovely body! Tis Venus herself, embellishedby the Graces.

EUGENIE — Oh, my dear friend, what charms! Delights! Letme drink them in with my eyes, let me cover them with my kisses.(She does so.)

DOLMANCE — What excellent predispositions! A trifle lesspassion, lovely Eugénie, for the moment you are only beingasked to show a little attention.

EUGENIE — Let's continue, I'm listening… But howbeautiful she is... so plump, so fresh!… Ah, how charming mydear friend is. Is she not, Monsieur?

DOLMANCE — Beautiful, assuredly... she is wondrous to see;but I am persuaded you yield to her in nothing… Well, now, mypretty little student, either you pay attention to me or bewarelest, if you are not docile, I exercise over you the rights amplyconferred upon me by my title as your mentor.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Oh, yes, yes indeed, Dolmancé,I put her into your safekeeping. She must have a severe scolding ifshe misbehaves.

DOLMANCE — It is very possible I might not be able toconfine myself to remonstrances.

EUGENIE — Great heaven! You terrify me... what then wouldyou do to me, Monsieur?

DOLMANCE, stammering, and kissing Eugénie on the mouth—

Punishments... corrections... I might very well hold this prettylittle ass accountable for mistakes made by the head. (He strikesthe former through the gauze dressing gown in which Eugénie ispresently arrayed.)

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Yes, I approve of the project butnot of the gesture. Let's begin our lesson, else the little timegranted us to enjoy Eugénie will be spent in preliminaries,and the instruction shall remain incomplete.

DOLMANCE, who, as he discusses them, one by one touches theparts of Madame de Saint-Ange's body — I begin. I will saynothing of these fleshy globes; you know as well as I,Eugénie, that they are indifferently known as bosoms, breasts,t**s. Pleasure may put them to profitable use: while amusinghimself, a lover has them continually before his eyes: he caressesthem, handles them, indeed, some lovers form of them the very seatof their pleasure and niche their member between these twin mountsof Venus which the woman then squeezes together, compressing thismember; after a little management, certain men succeed in spreadingthereupon the delicious balm of life whose outpouring causes thewhole happiness of libertines… But this member of which weshall be obliged to speak incessantly—should we not be welladvised, Madame, to give our student a lecture upon it?

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Verily, I do think so.

DOLMANCE — Very well, Madame, I am going to recline uponthis couch; place yourself near me. Then you will lay hands uponthe subject and you will yourself explain its properties to ouryoung student.

(Dolmancé lies down and Madame de Saint-Angedemonstrates.)

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — This scepter of Venus you havebefore

your eyes, Eugénie, is the primary agent of love'spleasure: it is called the member: there is not a single part ofthe human body into which it cannot introduce itself. Alwaysobedient to the passions of the person who wields it, sometimes itnests there (She touches Eugénie's cunt.), this is theordinary route, the one in widest use, but not the most agreeable;in pursuit of a more mysterious sanctuary, it is often here (Shespreads wide Eugénie's buttocks and indicates the anus.) thatthe libertine seeks enjoyment: we will return to this mostdelicious pleasure of them all; there are as well the mouth, thebreasts, the armpits which provide him with further altars uponwhich to burn his incense. And finally whatever be the place amongall these he most prefers, after a few instants of agitation themember may be seen to vent a white and viscous liquor, whoseflowing forth plunges the man into a delirium intense enough toprocure for him the sweetest pleasures he can hope to have inlife.

EUGENIE — How much I should like to see this liquorflow.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — I need but vibrate myhand—you see how the thing becomes irritated the more I chafeand pull on it. These movements are known as pollution, and in thelanguage of libertinage this action is called frigging.

EUGENIE — Oh, please, dear friend, allow me to frig thissplendid member!

DOLMANCE — Look out! I'll not be able… don'tinterfere with her, Madame, this ingenuousness has got me horriblyerected.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — No good will come of thisexcitement. Be reasonable, Dolmancé: once that semen flows,the activity of your animal spirits will be diminished and thewarmth of your dissertations will be lessened correspondingly.

EUGENIE, fondling Dolmancé’s testicles — Ah, mydear friend, how sorry I am you resist my desires!… And theseballs, what might be their purpose? What are they called?

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — The technical term is genitals,male

genitals... testicles belongs to art, the balls are thereservoir containing the abundant semen I have just mentioned andwhich, expelled into the woman's matrix, or womb, produces thehuman species; but we will not stress these details, Eugénie,for they relate more to medicine than to libertinage. A pretty girlought simply to concern herself with f*****g, and never withengendering. No need to touch at greater length on what pertains tothe dull business of population, from now on we shall addressourselves principally, nay, uniquely to those libertine lecherieswhose spirit is in no wise reproductive.

EUGENIE — But, dear friend, when this enormous member Ican scarcely grip in my hand, when this member penetrates, as youassure me it can, into a hole as little as the one in your behind,that must cause the woman a great deal of pain.

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Whether this introduction bewrought before or behind, if she is not yet accustomed to it awoman always suffers. It has pleased Nature so to make us that weattain happiness only by way of pain. But once vanquished and hadthis way, nothing can equal the joy one tastes upon the entrance ofthis member into our ass; it is a pleasure incontestably superiorto any sensation procured by this same introduction in front. And,besides, how many dangers does not a woman thus avoid! Fewer risksto her health, and none at all of pregnancy. For the present I'llsay no more about this delight—your master and mine,Eugénie, will soon award it a full analysis, and by unitingpractice with theory will, I trust, convince you, my precious one,that amongst all the bedroom's pleasures, that is the only one forwhich you should have a preference.

DOLMANCE — I beg you to speed your demonstrations, Madame,for I can no longer restrain myself; I'll discharge despite myefforts, and this redoubtable member, reduced to nothing, will beunable to aid your lessons.

EUGENIE — What! It would be reduced to nothing, dearheart, if it were to lose this semen you speak of!… Oh, doallow me to help him lose it, so that I may see what happens toit… And besides, I should take such pleasure in seeing itflow

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — No, no, Dolmancé, up withyou.

Remember that this is the payment of your labors, and that I'llnot turn her over to you until you've merited her.

DOLMANCE — So be it; but the better to convinceEugénie of all we are going to relate concerning pleasure,would it be in any way prejudicial to Eugénie's instructionif, for instance, you were to frig her in front of me?

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Why, doubtless not, and I shall doso all the more happily since I am certain this lubricious episodewill only enrich our lessons. Onto the couch, my sweet.

EUGENIE — Oh dear God! the delicious nichel But why allthese mirrors?

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — By repeating our attitudes andpostures in a thousand different ways, they infinitely multiplythose same pleasures for the persons seated here upon this ottoman.Thus everything is visible, no part of the body can remain hidden:everything must be seen; these images are so many groups disposedaround those enchained by love, so many delicious tableauxwherewith lewdness waxes drunk and which soon drive it to itsclimax.

EUGENIE — What a marvelous invention!

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Dolmancé, undress the victimyourself.

DOLMANCE — That will not be difficult, since 'tis merely aquestion of removing this gauze in order to discern naked the mostappealing features. (He strips her, and his first glances areinstantly directed upon her behind.) And so I am about to see thisdivine, this priceless ass of which I have such ardentexpectations!… Ah, by God! What fullness of flesh and whatcoolness, what stunning elegance!… Never have I seen onelovelier!

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Rascal! How clearly your initialhomages betray your tastes and pleasures!

DOLMANCE — But can there be anything in the world to equalthis?… Where might love find a more divine altar?…Eugénie… sublime Eugenie, let me overwhelm this ass ofyours with the softest caresses. (He fingers and kisses it,transported.)

MADAME DE SAINT-ANGE — Stop, libertine!… You forgetEugénie belongs to me only. She's to be your reward for thelessons she awaits from you; but you'll not have your recompensebefore she has been given those lessons. Enough of this ardor oryou'll anger me.