Finding The Light

Cavan

Belle

I see you trying to wake me, the white godlike man. I wake up to find I’m still in Dian Cechts tree.Brigid is there again after the Dian Cecht completed the tests on my head. She brought me sandwiches and tea. But I don’t trust it.I can’t trust it. I’m too busy looking for Lugh and my old self.

The fire started to burn in me and dimmed again. They took me from my mother. This was my first time in Dian Cechts tree. They brought me to the Gods tree in Fermanagh where I lost my mother. I need you here with me. Where is my white light?. Airmed is here, she pulled out my life line and gave me a room. I was scared I knew the darkness followed me. But I have so much light I cannot be tainted. I went into my room and tried to sleep. Afraid to talk, afraid to eat. Afraid to sleep. My eyes scared me, my own eyes scared me…I was a shadow of my former self. I will return though. When I am ready and bright. I see things that aren’t there. I see the changeling outside my room. Was it a sign you came to see me and they didn’t let you in?

I went to sleep watching both the door and the window. Making sure Aed hasn’t come for me yet.I stared at the door until they gave me plants to make me sleep.

I sleep and they’re chasing me again, the cloaked people, the followers of Aed, trying to drag me down to the underworld, Faoin Domhan. To rot for all eternity. I hear Cousin Aoibhell harp which signals a death in the family is to come. At this point I haven’t washed in days my hair is sticking to my head. They come into my room telling me I have visitors. Visitors I thought. How could this be? You don’t see anyone when you’ve done the worst thing. When you think you’ve ended the world. My heart immediately started racing is it you? Is it you? The tree's entrances were racing by me. The nurse pulled me to the visitor entrance. I was swiped into the visitor section where I laid eyes on Lugh and then my Ériu and my Aengus Óg.

Lugh, You were there and you offered me water. I asked if there was poison in it. You drank it first and then I did. I know you couldn’t stay with me in this tree, but I wish you did. I’m so scared here. I was so scared in general of everyone and everything. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep. I can feel the bees in my skin on my head. Every night I felt as though my blood was boiling. I felt my heat, it came and went. I stare in my reflection in the water on the floor in the tree before me. I looked so unhappy with myself, I looked so disgusted. That’s how everyone was with me treating me as though I didn’t matter as though I was someone who could be pushed around but I’m not, I’m a good person. You can’t have me Aed. I am choosing to be light. Everyday. I am light and love and peace all rolled into one. I am the embodiment of light, I can feel it inside me. I am just a human and you know that I am not a Goddess.

I opened my eyes to see the changeling staring through the window at me. His eyes black empty eyes. Aed, he’s here. Somewhere in this dark tree. I get out of bed and get dressed into the same dirty orange dress, I’d worn the day before. I stepped out into the hallway. That is when I saw him in his black robe. Aed.

He stared at me as I backed up against the wall. You can’t touch me here because there is too much light. Too much goodness for your kind to thrive. Like that as if recognizing my thoughts. He vanished. The Gods are here with me. The most prominent being Airmed. I can hear her laughing at me as if this is what she wanted. I am good, I repeat to myself. A healer hands me herbs and water to take. The laughing stopped. I sit in the social area watching the stairway of life lifting souls to Tir na N’Óg. I can’t yet reach it, I can’t yet speak to diminish Aed, to banish the darkness that looms above me. I watch the souls go up all night waiting for my turn. It never comes for me.