how many different types of tests??
1517 Words
It’s half 10 on Friday night, I’m in my most comfortable (and therefore most unflattering) clothes, my hair is a mess, I have no makeup on, and I’m clutching Gaz’s hand tightly in the middle of the 24hr Tesco as we both stare, bewildered at the many different brands of pregnancy tests that appear to be on offer.
“What does a ‘2 line pregnancy test’ mean?” asks Gaz as he walks up towards the shelf for a better look.
“I don’t know babe” I reply, squinting at the box he has in his hands and is currently looking at.
He puts that one down where he got it from and picks up a different box.
“What does a ‘cross result pregnancy test’ mean?” he asks, as he turns the new box over and reads the back of it.
“I don’t know babe” I reply again, closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose. This is giving me a f*****g headache, and my stomach isn’t feeling too great. I’m not sure I fancy the idea of dealing with either diarrhoea or throwing up in Tesco toilets. I open them again and see Gaz put that box down and pick up a third box. “Do you think a digital one would be better?” he asks, turning the box around in his hands, obviously mulling over the different options.
I take a deep breath, feeling my patience starting to crumble around me, “I don’t know babe” I repeat, pursing my lips.
He puts that box down and picks up yet another box. “This one is a blue dye apparently, not a pink one – do you think that makes a difference?” he asks, pulling a befuddled face as he turns the box over, looks at the back and then flips it back over to study the picture on the front.
I sigh deeply, “I. Don’t. Know. Babe” I snap.
Noting the tone of my voice, he looks up at me. “Hey, come on, don’t get stressed” he says, walking over to me and hugging me tightly. I take a deep breath, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped, I know you’re just trying to help” I reply, hugging him back.
I’m not sure if this lady happened to oversee the whole situation, or happened to be walking past and noticed how obviously lost and confused we both were, but as a passer-by, she came up to us and timidly asked “do you guys want any help at all?”
We both looked at her bewildered, then looked at each-other in silence. I don’t know about Gaz, but I felt somewhat embarrassed, like a child who’s been caught sneaking sweets before dinner and made to put it back as I reply “yes please” in a small voice.
I look at her and quickly take in her appearance – she’s immaculately dressed in a pencil skirt, a matching fitted jacket, a white shirt and black matte heels. Her hair is in a business like bun, she has impeccable makeup and an expensive looking pearl necklace with matching earrings.
The lady smiles and walks up to the shelf, “right then, are you due your time of the month soon, or are you late for it?” she asks, very matter of fact and business like. I stand there, slightly open mouthed at the sudden change in her demeanour as I reply with “just over 3 weeks late, I think.”
She nods her head confidently and scans the shelves, obviously looking for some specific brands, or types of test. “Here we go, right then. So you should have a decent level of pregnancy hormones in your system by now if you are indeed pregnant, so that’ll give you much more choice,” she explains as she grabs boxes, walking from one side of the shelf to another.
She doesn’t speak particularly loudly, so I’m not really sure if she’s talking to us, or if she’s talking to herself as she walks repeatedly up and down in a line, reaching for boxes as she does so.
I look at Gaz, completely flabbergasted, who gives me an amused smile and shrugs in response.
I return the shrug and look back at our knowledgeable stranger as she turns back to us with a total of 4 different boxes in her hands.
“Right then, these are your best options at a range of prices to suit every budget, so in theory there’s no reason why we shouldn’t be able to get you what you need” she reassures with a smile.
“This one is a bog standard two line test with a pink dye, so basically you have the one line that will be there regardless as a ‘control’ line to show that the test is working correctly, and if you are pregnant then a second pink line will appear next to the control line. If you’re not pregnant then you’ll only have the control line appear, not the second one too” she explains, passing the box to Gaz, smiling at him as she does so. He takes if off of her frowning as he looks at it, thanking her politely.
“Now, this one is another bog standard test but it’s a cross result test – so you’ll get the control line as before, but there will be another little window on it where a cross will appear if you’re pregnant. If you’re not pregnant, then a single line will appear in the second window, but not a cross” she says, passing the second box to Gaz, this time without looking up, so she ends up just holding the box in the air, waiting for him to grab it. He gets the hint and takes it out of her hands, again, politely thanking her.
I let out a small snigger at the look on his face as he examines the second box, and I highly doubt she hears his thanks as she launches straight into her explanation of what the third box holds. This one, apparently is a digital one, and actually says the words ’pregnant’ or ‘not pregnant’ on it. Again, she passes the box to Gaz without looking, and goes into the explanation of the fourth and final box.
“Now, apparently, this is the crème-de-le-crème of them all…it’s a digital one again, and will tell you not only if you’re pregnant, but how far gone you are in weeks. However I’m personally not a fan of these as they’re not very sensitive and because of that, they don’t seem to be very accurate.” She passes the last box to Gaz, looks at us both and smiles. It occurs to me that she can’t have really taken much breath during that little ‘best sell’ presentation, especially as she got into the swing of it, and I idly wonder if she works in sales.
But then again, if that was the case, why so clued up on different pregnancy tests? Maybe she sells in the pharmaceutical sector?
Maybe she just has lots of pregnancy scares and is a somewhat self-proclaimed expert on such matters?
“Any questions?” she asks, smiling warmly, bringing my brain back to Tesco and the matters at hand.
I shake my head, suddenly feeling extremely overwhelmed, however Gaz seems to remain level headed and asks whether pink or blue dye is better. She explains to Gaz that blue dye tends to run and can give false results, so in her professional opinion, pink dye tests are much more reliable. I notice that she said ‘professional’ opinion, not ‘personal’ opinion and I swallow down the overwhelming urge to ask her exactly what she does for her profession.
We both thank her for all her help, which in all fairness has saved our arses from potential hours of confusion, to which she smiles, wishes us luck and hopes we get the outcome we’re after before turning around and walking away, presumably to finish her late night shop.
I turn to face Gaz, who’s looking at me intently, "well, what are you thinking, Clew?” he asks, holding out his hands, which are full of boxes.
I take a deep breath and shrug, “I wanna know what the f**k that lady does for a job” I reply, and we both burst out laughing.
- Writer
