Pregnancy SOS: A diary of a first time mum to be

The big reveal

I’m still sat on the toilet – my hands and feet are that cold that I can’t actually feel them anymore, but while I've been sat here, my thoughts have moved from sheer panic, to a bit of rationality and logic managing to creep in to calm things down, to finally being rational enough to think of things in a more practical way, and finally to how I’m going to tell Gaz. I’m mulling over several possible ideas when I hear the bedroom door creek open and sleepy footsteps tread heavily across the landing.

I kick all the debris as close to the back of the toilet as possible as I look up and see a butt naked Gaz wondering into the bathroom, half asleep and full on wild, bedhead style messy hair.

He looks up, blinks in bewilderment as he notices me sitting here on the bog and meets my gaze, “are you okay baby?” he asks croakily, sitting on the edge of the bath.

I smile at him fondly – I love the way he looks in the morning – all au natural, confused and unkempt. “Yeah, are you darling?” I reply, stretching my arms and noticing that my muscles have practically seized up from being in the same position for too long.

He nods his reply, and I watch with an amused smile as the expression on his face changes as it suddenly occurs to him how bizarre it is that I’m just casually sat here, also butt naked on the toilet for no apparent reason.

He mulls it over for a second as he looks at me and finally he frowns. “Well, the door wasn’t closed, so I know you’re not having a poo…what an Earth are you doing?” he asks, both his confusion and amusement obvious in his voice.

I can’t help but laugh out loud as I reply “If you’d have interrupted my morning poo, we’d have had a big issue…I was having a wee, but I’m done now” I explain matter of factly.

He pulls an ‘oh okay’ kind of face and nods, “fair enough.”

The thing about Gaz in the morning, is that he’s about as observant as a rock, so as soon as I had seen him strolling out the bedroom, I already knew that he wouldn’t notice the pregnancy test or the surplus debris that I had littered around the room, which is a good thing, because I noticed that the positive pregnancy test was still sat on full display on the window sill, the only thing I hadn't discarded on the floor and was able to kick out of the way.

I wasn’t wrong, and he stands up, oblivious and heads towards the door, asking “do you want a cuppa angel?” idly as he nudges the door with his foot, grabs his dressing gown from the hook on the back of it, shrugs it on over his shoulders and turns in the direction of the stairs as he wraps it around him and ties the middle.

"Yes please" I shout my reply, as I wipe as needed (although I'm pretty sure I'd have drip dried by now, but it's always better to be thorough with these things) and head back into our bedroom.

After what feels like both an eternity and a whirlwind of only a few seconds, he returns the bedroom and plonks himself on the bed, passing over a cup of tea in my direction as he does so. How he manages not spill it is beyond me, as he’s far from delicate as he half jumps on the bed with his usual ‘weekend chill’ dopey smile.

I’ve had to try to do some very quick thinking while Gaz has been downstairs; about how I’m going to tell him about our impending offspring and the exact words I’m going say. I'm not very good in situations like these (although I've never been I'm a situation quite like this before), and I generally need to have a script either written down, or memorised in my head to get me through such serious conversations).

As it currently stands though – I still don’t know how to tell him and I have no idea on what words to use…Oh balls, this is not the most ideal of starts to such an important conversation.

I do have our little pee stick under the covers next to me though, so I guess that’s something, right?

He lifts up the covers and wriggles himself comfortable, before picking up his full cup of coffee and taking a sip, “Holy f**k, that’s hot!” he moans, pulling a disapproving face as he puts the cup back down on his bedside table. He swallows quickly, and starts breathing out of his wide open mouth, not unlike a mutant dragon.

I shake my head in bewilderment, chucking at him “well…yeah” I retort, smiling sarcastically.

We sit there in silence for a few moments – comfortably so on his part, awkwardly so on mine, before he presses play on the controller that he’s obviously stolen from my side of the bed and the TV springs back to life.

To be honest, I hadn’t even noticed it had been paused. “What’s the matter, enjoying the silence were you?” Gaz mocks, knowing full well that I have this weird thing about needing background noise being on the whole time I’m at home. Even at night the TV is on, just really quietly or I can’t sleep, might as well get used to that… I think idly, raising an eyebrow.

It occurs to me that he's waiting for me to reply, so I look at him and say “erm, no, just thinking."

I don’t know if there’s something in my voice, but he turns around and looks at me and frowns, “are you okay?” he asks, looking at me with a serious expression.

“Erm yeah, I’m fine…” I say, hearing the uncertainty in my own voice as I speak. He frowns, and moves his body so he’s facing me without twisting his neck, which incidentally looks ridiculously more comfortable than I feel with my own twisted neck.

“Okay Clewley, what’s going on in that noggin of yours? This seems a bit deep for a Saturday morning” he smiles, trying to lighten the tense mood that he doesn't understand.

I move my body to mirror his position (and admittedly, it is a lot more comfortable). I take a deep breath, feeling around the side of me for the pee stick. I grasp it, look at him as I pass the test over to him and say “I’m pregnant.”

I’m not breathing.

I daren’t, not until he says something. Currently, he’s looking at the test in his hand, turning it to every possible different angle known to man.

Come on, say something I think, my lungs starting to ache a little. After a few more minutes, I decide it's not worth suffocating for, ans I give up waiting for him to say anything, exhaling a shaky breath. I can’t decide if it’s shaky because I’m scared, or if it’s because I’ve been holding it that long, I’m pretty sure I was close to suffocation.

My stomach feels horrible – it’s twisted in knots, I have pins and needles in my hands and feet, and for some reason, I can’t feel my legs.

He eventually looks up at me, “you do realise that if we have a boy, you’re going to be severely ganged up on right?” he asks, with a wicked grin on his face.

I frown at him, “so you’re okay with this happening?” I ask, guarded.

He laughs happily, “yeah, this is amazing news!” he replies, his excited voice mirroring the truth in his words, before his expression changes and he asks, “why, are you not happy about this?”

I take a deep breath, “I really am, I’m just a little overwhelmed to be honest” I reply, relief flooding through my body.

I suddenly feel sick, but in a completely different way than 30 seconds ago.

He scoots himself over so he’s right next to me and hugs me, “I know it’s not in the exact order we had discussed, but that’s okay. It just means that we’ll have a little one in time for the wedding” he says, pulling me into him and bear hugging me. I hug him back, and for some unknown reason, I feel tears prick at the back of my eyes, and instead of fighting them, I let them start to fall as we hug.

He kisses the top of my head, wipes my tears and kisses me before looking unto my eyes and saying, “we’ve got this” he says confidently, smiling.

I beam a big smile back at him in agreement, “yeah we do.”

With that, we both move back onto our usual spots on the bed and grab our drinks. I look over at Gaz and notice that he’s still got the pregnancy test in his hand, and for some bizarre reason he’s scratching the side of his face with it. I hold back a giggle as I put on my best serious voice and say, “you do realise that I’ve pissed on that, right?”

To which he instantly removes it from his face, drops it in the middle of the bed between us and mutters the words “dirty b***h” as he reaches over and grabs his cup.