Ride me raw

Chapter 4

My gut twisted at the sight in front of me. There had to be over a hundred people gathered around, all wearing black tux's or dresses. Their heads bowed in a respectful manner to the man being lowered into the ground. Cries and sobs could be heard from the back, where I stood, hiding from everyone.

I couldn't face them. I didn't want to.

My big black sunglasses hid me from the crowd, just long enough for me to witness Brad, my father, being lowered six feet under. People spoke softly, talking about wonderful memories with him and how Brad was such a giving person.

I held back my protesting remarks with a middle finger raised in my pocket. But even that didn't stop the tears.

Sure, we hadn't talked in five years before Brad's sudden death. And right before I left he told me how much he disliked his own daughter. I wished for years he would have changed. That I would have been given the chance to see Brad in the same light as everyone else.

Especially my brother, Steve, who stood at the front of the crowd with tears staining his cheeks.

Steve was my half brother, five years older and the most caring soul towards me in my upbringing. He was my fatherly figure through school and hardships and the only one to keep in contact with me when I left to build my own life.

Even if it was only through a few texts every other year, at least he tried.

It hurt to see him crumbling in front of so many people. Even if he saw them as friends and family, they were strangers to me. And I refuse to let them see me cry over a man who never loved me.

I listened to everyone say their peace. My eyes trained to the ground with my hands stuffed in my oversized black coat pockets.

And once Brad's casket was buried, I tried to leave. I really f*****g did. But seeing Steve cry was enough to get me to stay for just a few more moments.

I waited in the line of people that were paying him respects, saying they're sorry for his loss and making promises of helping in anyway. Then it was my turn.

My heart raced as I approached my brother. He was the one who told me of Brad's passing, but I wasn't sure how he'd take me actually being here.

"Steve." I could barely say. It was a name I hadn't verbally said in years.

His big brown eyes moved upwards until he was looking at me. His face softened and contorted into another weep as he took in my appearance before he pulled me into his embrace.

"Megan." He whimpered. "I'm glad you came."

I solemnly nodded, squeezing him back. "It'll be okay." I ran my fingers through his thick long hair like I had always done when I was younger.

"Are you coming to the wake?"

"No." I sighed, pulling away from him.

"Just for an hour." Steve silently begged. "It's been years since I've seen you. Let's catch up and talk for an hour. That's all I'm asking."

I sighed quietly, fiddling with my fingers in front of him. "Okay. Only for you though."

"Thank you." He kissed my cheek before hugging me again, in a bone crushing brotherly hug.

"Alright, Eli." I giggled in his grasp. "You can let go of me now."

As I walked back to my car, I felt my heart filling slightly. The cold emptiness, that I accepted after leaving my small hometown, felt a ting of love. Even when I pulled up to Brad's house, the one I spent seventeen years of my life in, I still felt it. Even when people I barely remembered came up to me, holding me close to their chest, expressing their gratitude towards my deadbeat father, I felt it.

That little spark in my chest turned to an emotional explosion once I walked into my old room.

Everything was the same as it was five years ago. The Justin Bieber, Taylor Lautner and Timberlake posters I had yanked out of magazines were still taped to the wall, leaving no white paint exposed. My bed was still sloppily made with my baby blue comforter and million throw pillows I just had to buy with my first real paycheck.

All the hangers I had ripped out of the closet in an attempt to rush out of the house still littered the floor. The snow globes he had bought me as a child smashed on the ground right where I had thrown them at Brad when he told me he disowned me.

The room was like a time capsule. Nothing had changed from the night I left.

"He came in here a lot." Steve spoke softly from behind me.

I jumped slightly, holding my now throbbing chest.

"He didn't mean it when he said he never loved you." Steve continued speaking as he walked next to me, placing a hand at my lower back. "He was a tough guy, he didn't know how to deal with woman, let alone his little girl."