I built walls

Introduction :

As usual I woke up with my whole body aching and the worst part it was raining,not that I hate rain but the circumstances made me to hate it. You must be wondering what circumstances, well the truth of the matter Is I live in a shack with my sick grandmother and unfortunately the shack is not in good shape so it has leakages which means I have to put basins so that we don't wake up in a dam. Back to the story, I have to go and fetch water in this rain considering we only have one bucket to store water. The water I fetched yesterday has been used up. I get off the bed and put on my torn morning shoes.

You must be wondering how I ended up living with my grandmother in a one room shack. Well according to my grandma my mom died while giving birth to me, my father even grandma has no idea who impregnated my mother. Apparently my mom was a party animal, she partied her problems away. She'd always come back home after hours which led to my grandmother suffering from high blood pressure as she was always stressed about my mother's whereabouts. My grandmother is the one who raised me, alone. And I must say she did a wonderful job.

I remember how I used to blame myself for my mother's death, because I thought if it wasn't for my birth then she'd still be alive. But my grandmother told me it wasn't my fault, my mother's time was up and she'd hate to hear me blaming myself for her death. So I let it sink in my thick skull that I had no control over my situation and I shouldn't blame myself. My life hasn't been easy especially with my grandmother sick, which means I should be the one providing for the both of us. For now we're still surviving on my grandmother's savings, but they're almost over. Our financial situation has been my biggest problem lately but I'm hoping I'll get a job even though I only have my 12th grade certificate. Speaking of school, I don't even miss it a little bit. At school I was bullied, they called me names, made me feel like I didn't deserve to be at school. What was my fault in all this I didn't choose to be poor, nor did I choose for my body to be structured the way it is but grandma being the sweetheart that she is, she always told me I was beautiful. I remember my classmates saying I deserved to be the school maid because I wore rags. The bullying wasn't physical but emotionally it left me with a lot of scars. I still remember how they tried to r**e me at the school toilets while making a video, the memory is still fresh like it was yesterday. But thank to the school guard they couldn't do it and they were suspended for two weeks at school. And since from then the principal addressed the issue and I got a new school uniform from the school. You must be thinking that's great, but no they respected me at school and bullied me outside the school premises. It continued until I finished school and I was happy, the only thing I miss is the school's feeding scheme considering we only eat twice a day here at home so the food can last for the rest of the month.

Now back to the present, My name is Tiara Sapphire Black and this is my story. I hope you enjoy.

Thank God I had a raincoat, even though it was worn out but I didn't get drenched in the rain. I came back with the bucket of water and prepared a bath for my grandmother while while cooking porridge for breakfast. Just so you know, porridge is our everyday breakfast and I hate it but I have no choice. "Tiara" my grandmother shouts from the bed.. "yes Nana" I reply, that's what I call her she's my "Nana".. "Pass me my toiletry bag please". I head to the the wardrobe to get her things, my grandmother has lost a lot of weight due to being sick she's also suffering from diabetes.. "ehh Tiara I've been meaning to tell you, we are running out of money my savings will only last us for a week or too.." she says with worry writen all over her face. "it's okay Nana I'll go look for a job from tomorrow I've already made my CV copies" I reply. "by God's grace I'll get one, I know I will" I say with a reassuring smile on my face. She smiles back, and it's genuine. "I hope so too Sapphire" she says trying to take off her clothes but she struggles so I help her. "what do you think about furthering your studies?" my grandmother asks while sitting on the couch. I've been ignoring that part of my life because going to university means I'll have to leave her alone with no one to take care of her. "I don't know Nana, maybe next year for now I have to spend time with my Nana" I say with a smile on my face so she doesn't feel like she's holding me back or something. "you should study Sapphire, so that you can become something I won't be here for too long."I hate it when my grandmother talks like that, I hate everything that has to do with dying." don't talk like that Nana, you're not going anywhere. Now please eat your porridge you have to drink your medication " I reply a little bit hurt by the fact that my grandmother is thinking of leaving me alone in this cruel world. "Nana have you paid this month's rent?" I ask while digging in my porridge. "no I didn't baby, please take money from underneath the mattress." she says with worry written all over her face. "don't worry Nana I'll do it before he comes knocking on our door." I reply. See our landlord is a very ruthless man and he hates it when people disrespect him, or when you don't pay rent on time. I think he likes to be feared, rumors have it that he's some sort of drug Lord but to be honest I don't care. I try by all means to keep away from him.

After eating, I wash the dishes then head to the Landlord's house to pay the rent. I'm a nervous wreck I just hope he doesn't shout at me because I'm one day late. When I arrive at the gate the are security guards, armed.. I roll my eyes, I mean such tight security in a small town like ours it doesn't make sense unless the rumors of him being a drug Lord are true. I explain myself to the security guys and they let me in after searching me. I walk through the driveway until I reach the door, I knock then an old woman dressed a maid's uniform let's me in but I hand her the envelope after telling her I'm here to pay rent. "okay" she replies faking a smile.

I walk away while humming a gospel song,there's something about gospel music, it heals my soul. It makes me feel like everything will be alright. While walking I keep kicking little stones thinking about my life and how I envy those kids who are highly privileged in life. I wonder how it feels like to have both your parents, your own room,to be cared for. But then I'm also happy for them.

Chapter 1:

When I get home, my grandmother is peacefully sleeping on her bed so I don't wake her up, I lazy around until it's time to prepare dinner. My grandmother has been sleeping since I came back, so I'll wake her up after I'm done cooking dinner. I start cooking while humming, I have a beautiful voice and I love singing. Music heals me, it gives me hope that life will get better at some point. After I'm done and have dished up, I try to wake my grandma up but she's not waking up.. She must have been really tired then.. "Nana! " I shout a little bit worried. But still she's not waking up, I check her pulse and there's no pulse, I panic while rushing off to my neighbors house.. "Mrs Mckenzie please help me, my-my grandmother is not waking up please" I shout with tears streaming down my cheeks. She opens the door while wearing her coat. "Don't cry, maybe she's just sleeping" she says trying to calm me down. I nod even though I can feel it in my heart that something is seriously wrong with my grandmother. When we arrive at the shack Mrs Mckenzie checks my grandmother then she calls the ambulance without saying anything. My sobs get a little louder when I realize that I've lost my grandmother, she's no more.. The only family I've ever had is no more, I'm all alone in this cruel world. Mrs Mckenzie keeps brushing my back while whispering "everything will be fine".. "No!nothing will be fine, she's gone sh-she's gone and she ain't coming back" I shout while crying. "how am I going to survive without her, why did she leave me?" I cry even more. "Mrs Mckenzie doesn't say anything she keeps brushing my back, the ambulance arrives and they confirm that my grandmother died in her sleep. I feel my knees getting weak, I can't breathe my body's giving up then it's lights off for me.

Two weeks later :

Well it's been two weeks since my grandmother passed away and I must life hasn't been easy. I've been looking for a job but no one is willing to hire me, so I keep doing people's house chores so they can pay me. Without my grandmother I feel so alone and forsaken, no one is willing to help. If things keep going on like this I'm afraid I'll end up in the streets, with nothing. Today I'm going to a nearby supermarket to ask for a job. I prepare a bath for myself once I'm done bathing I put on my rags and off I go job hunting. Things would have been better if my grandmother had an insurance policy, because I wouldn't have used the little savings we had to bury her. While walking to the supermarket I pass by a group of boys and some of them were my classmates in high school, I think one of them said something about me and they burst out laughing. I ignore them and walk a little bit faster before they think of doing anything to me. I arrived at supermarket and fortunately they gave me a job to be a cleaner, the salary is not good at all but it's better than nothing. I will be starting tomorrow from 8am to 8pm, I'm a little bit worried about the knock off time but I've got no other choice. I walk home with a smile on my face at least I'll be able to pay the rent and buy some food for myself. I haven't been to church since my grandmother started getting sick, maybe it's high time I fix my relationship with God, I need something to revive my hope. I sigh thinking about what am I going to wear but I think I do have a few beautiful dresses. I head back home, but I can't help it but feel like someone's watching me. I brush that thought off and head home walking faster than ever. When I get home I prepare my outfit for tomorrow so that I look decent, since it's my first day at work tomorrow even though I'm a cleaner.

At noon I prepare dinner, lock the doors then I sit on the worn out couch while watching TV. After a while I dish up for myself but before I could even sit down to eat I hear some weird noise outside like someone is trying to open my door. I freeze I don't know if I should scream or push the cough to the door.. But It's already too late for me to do anything, in a blink of an eye the same group of boys I passed by earlier on is in my shack making it even smaller.. "what do you want from me?" I ask with fear evident in my voice. "we're here to have some fun" says one of the boys looking at me with a dirty smirk on his face. "please don't hurt, I don't have anything" I say pleading with them but it falls on deaf ears as they begin to touch me inappropriately, not paying any heed to my plea. "don't touch me, I'll give you anything you want but please stay away from me" I say in between my cries. "but you are what we want baby girl" says one of them making the rest of the group to laugh. "help!help!" I shout at the top of my voice trying by all means to be heard by my neighbors. One of them slaps me across my face then they shut my mouth with a tape, I wiggle myself trying to free myself from them but who am I kidding I'm only one girl fighting against a group of boys. They continue to take my clothes off but it's a struggle because I keep kicking and hitting them with my little fists. Nevertheless they succeed in taking off my clothes and they start to take off their clothes too. I feel my head getting lighter at the thought of what they are going to do to me, I'm about to get gang r***d my sobs get even louder when they take off my bra and underwear. I close my eyes as they do as they please with me, taking turns as if I'm not human. I feel a part of me dying in the process, my head gets lighter, I feel my body giving up the same way it happened when my grandmother died and it's lights off for me.

I hear the sounds of beeping machines, I try to open my eyes but I close them because the light is too bright, I try again a little more careful this time around and I'm at the hospital,then I remember everything that landed me here, my tears involuntarily fall thinking about how they took advantage of me, what did I do to deserve this? How could they do this to me? All these questions are making my head spin.."ohh you're awake" says a deep voice, I look up to see who it is only to find my landlord standing right beside me. "umm..wa-water" that's all I could say, he helps me drink the water then calls the doctor. I get checked and they ask me a lot of questions which I couldn't answer. Apparently my landlord was passing by to kick me out since I didn't pay rent, only to find my naked body lying around lifeless. "Miss Black you have to talk so that we can catch the people who did this to you" says the detective sounding a little bit impatient. "I don't remember anything okay!" I half shout at the detective also irritated by the endless questions they've been asking me. "Detective I think you should leave" says the doctor. "okay, I'll leave but please call me Ms Black if you remember anything, here's my card" he says giving me he's card. The he lives, the landlord has been standing there silently I don't know if I should thank him or what I just want to be left alone. "Ms Black fortunately you have no infections and you'll be fine in a week's time although you'll have to attend some therapy" says the doctor snapping me out of my thoughts, I nod not knowing what you say. The doctor then lives after helping me drink my medication. I turn to the landlord "thank you for saving me Sir, could you please let me stay at shack until I find somewhere else to live" I say with pleading eyes. "unfortunately you can't continue to stay there.." he says with no expressions in his face.. My heart sinks. "but you'll stay at my place until you get your things together, you can't stay at a place where this tragic thing happened it's not good for your health" he says with a a smile on his face, I can't tell if it's genuine or what but I'm grateful. "t-thank you so much Mr Smith, thank you!" I say with tears streaming down on my face at least God is still with me, he has not forsaken me.

Well Mr Smith is not that old maybe he's in his late 30s,but he's very good looking and most women in our community throw themselves at him. I don't know why someone as good looking as him doesn't have a family. I mean he could marry anyone he wants to marry. But that's none of my business, I think to myself. Today I'm getting discharged, the doctor tried to convince me to take therapy classes but I refused. I haven't opened up to anyone about what happened that night. I'm just grateful I didn't get pregnant or get any illnesses. Mr Smith has been very nice and welcoming, he'd bring me fruits and visit me twice a day. He will be fetching me today and I can't wait to get out of here. I still wonder why people called him ruthless, he's been nothing but nice to me. This place is depressing on it's own, the white walls and the beeping machines I just can't wait to be in a different atmosphere.

Chapter 2:

When I arrived at Mr Smith's house I was welcomed warmly. I had my own room an ensuit bathroom and a walk-in closet, I asked Mr Smith why was he helping me. And all he said was "one day you'll understand, but for now take it as an act of kindness" those words scared me a little bit but I chose not to think about it that much. I've been having a lot of nightmares about everything that happened that night, I'm not comfortable around male people anymore even around Mr Smith. I just don't want to go through what I went through again , I don't think I'd be able to survive it. I feel like the whole world is against me, I can't even leave the house. I feel like people can see right through my insecurities. I can't trust no one anymore but Magret the helper has been such a great friend friend to me even though she's quite older than me but she treats me like I'm her own daughter.

I haven't been able to open up to anyone, it's as if they won't understand or they will judge me. I can't even sleep peaceful anymore. Everytime I close my eyes I see their faces, I can still hear their voices. How could one be so cruel. They killed me, a part of me died that night . I feel so empty but I always try to act okay, I just don't want to be pitied, I wish everything could go back to normal. I'm trying to move on So I've started applying for varsity, it's time for me to follow my dreams and make a name for myself and forget the past . Mr Smith said I can stay here as long as I want to but I don't want it to look like I'm taking advantage of his kindness. So I'll be moving out as soon as I get a job, which is not easy. I've been locked up in my room, overthinking my already messed up life, let me go to the kitchen and get something to eat. I wear my morning shoes and head to the kitchen. "ohh you're still awake" says Mr Smith I didn't even notice he was here, I zone out a lot lately. "yes Mr Smith , I came to get some food for myself" I say while pouring some serial into a bowl. "okay, when you're done come join me" he says with a smile on his face, I panic a little bit, what if he wants to hurt me like they did? Or he's tired of me staying here? Or he wants he's rent money. My nerves kick in I didn't even notice I was spilling the milk. "hey are you okay?" says Mr Smith a little bit concerned. I panic even more because I didn't see him get into the kitchen. "I'm okay" I say trying to walk away from him. But he grabs my arm and tells me to sit down. I do as told. "look Sapphire, I'm not going to hurt you.. If I wanted to hurt you I would have done that a long time ago, I know you're not comfortable being around me because of what happened to you but believe me I see you as my daughter and I would never hurt you. I want you to be comfortable around here, this is your home now.. " he says, sounding sincere." why are you helping me? What's in it for you Mr Smith? " I ask getting agitated.." nothing is in it for me Tiara, I'm just helping you because if my daughter were to go through what you went I'd appreciate it.. " he says." why is so hard for me to believe that "I ask not buying what he told me." Tiara I had a family too, a wife and a daughter but they were r***d and killed in front of me, I couldn't protect them. I felt useless and powerless.. " he says with a tear running down he's cheek." I'm sorry I - l.. Umm" I don't know what to say, I feel guilty for questioning his good intentions. He doesn't say anything to me instead he leaves me and off he goes to his room. Now I don't know if I should go and apologize or..