Burning Desire [R-18]

TRIGGERED

I was looking directly at her, hindi siya umiiwas o ano paman, seryuso lang siyang nakatitig sakin.

Isang beses lang nangyari samin yun, ni hindi nga natuloy sa kwarto niya dahil bigla nalang siyang nahimatay. Yes, we made out in the hallway of the hotel, but that's it. It was a mistake, and I keep reminding myself of that. I will not go through that kind of guilt again, jeopardizing my family because I was foolish enough to make out with a young lady I had just met. My old self kick in that time and it was reckless, and I'm paying for it now.

I start swirling the pen in my hand. Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kanya at binaling ang atensyon sa notebook. "I... I did not understand". I uttered. Bumaling ako ng tingin sa kanya at nakakunot lang ng noo ito.

"You're a therapist you should understand these things" nakakunot nitong sambit.

Tama nga naman siya ako ako dapat ang mas nakakaintindi.

"No, I.... I mean is I don't understand why you just said that." Naguguluhan kong tugon.

"You said we can talk and now we're talking" she bluntly said.

Tumango lang ako habang nalilito itong nakatingin sakin, nag-aantay na iaddress ko ang mga bagay na sinabi niya sakin.

I need to address things para mahinto itong ganitong napaka unprofessional na nangyayari samin.

Ayoko mang aminin pero, sa kaloob-looban ko naapektuhan ako sa nangyayari at ayokong magpatuloy na ganito lagi ang nangyayari.

I take a deep breath, knowing the conversation we're about to have is both necessary and delicate. "I need you to understand that it's not simple," I begin, my voice calm but firm. "You're my client now, and even so, it will not happen. I have records on, and crossing the lines with my patient is like voluntarily throwing myself into jail. It's a crime Arya, and it will be impossible."

Tumaas ang kaliwang kilay nito ng nakatinging sakin."That's all? Then I can request another therapist for you not to handle me." She confidently said.

"Arya, you need to realize that this is not about you and me. It's about the ethical and professional responsibilities I have as your therapist. Crossing that line is not only wrong but dangerous for both of us."

I soften my tone slightly, hoping to reach her on a more empathetic level. "I need you to understand that it's not simple for me either. Your admiration, while flattering, must be redirected. It needs to serve as your guidance to look forward and think positively. Our work together can only be effective if we maintain clear, professional boundaries." I stopped. I leaned my back in the chair and focusing into my words.

Tumikhan muna ako bago ulit nagsalita.

"Arya," I say gently, "we can't work this out if you keep insisting on your desire. Therapy is a space where you should feel safe and respected, and that means respecting the boundaries that keep it professional. Your feelings, while valid, need to be channeled into the therapeutic process in a way that helps you heal and grow."

Mahabang lintaya ko na ipinaliwanag sa kanya ang kung ano man ang gusto niyang mangyari ay hindi pwede, hindi talaga pwede..

I watched Arya’s hands clasped tightly in her lap as her anger boiled over. "You know this is bullshit!" she yelled, standing up so quickly her chair skidded back, nearly tipping over. Her eyes were wild, her face flushed with the intensity of her emotions.

I was shocked to her sudden change of mood.

"Arya, I understand you're frustrated. Please, sit down and let's talk about what's upsetting you," I said, keeping my voice calm and steady.

"Talk? What's the point of talking? This whole therapy thing is bullshit! You sit there pretending to listen, but you don’t really care. You don't understand, you really don't understand!" Her voice cracked, the pain and desperation clear.

I wanted to hug her, but I can't it's the rules, it's crucial to maintain professional distance. I need to stick to the guidelines.

Alam kong mali, pero hindi ko mapigilan yung sarili ko.

We have protocols in the organization on how we should follow the guidelines regarding how to handle our client. Kasali na doon na dapat walang personal na pagkakakilanlan ang client at ang therapist.

In my profession mahalaga ang professional boundaries na namamagitan saming dalawa, isa man doon ay nalabag ay talagang malaking epekto ito sa therapeutic session namin, this includes biases and ethical decision when a therapist and client have personal relation o magkakilala.

Hindi lang guidelines ng organization ko ang malalabag kung hindi pati batas, APA's code and conduct, I should not be sexually,romantically involved to my patient or former lovers.I should be professionally capable and always remain professional.

Dapat simula palang ng binasa ko na ang kanyang portfolio ay tinanggihan ko na, at kahit tanggihan ko ay ayaw akong pagbiyan ng counselor director namin. Hindi ko rin pwedeng sabihin na may nangyari samin dahil kilala niya mismo ang aking asawa at ano nalang ang iisipin niya, baka ito pa ang dahilan ng pagkasira ng reputasyon ko.

I know Arya can be dangerous. I read it in her late therapist's journal. Whenever she has an outburst, she tends to do physical harm to everyone around her to feel her pain.

That's why we also have a yearly training on how to calm our patient whenever they have tantrums or outburst. Dahil hindi talaga mapipigilan na mangyari ito sa mga sessions lalo na kapag ang isang paseynte ay denial sa nangyayari, na-trigger while doing sessions o talagang mentally and physically they can't handle their emotions. May mga taong ganoon at ilang beses na akong nakakahandle ng ganoong sitwasyon o pasyente. I had to press the emergency button that found to my desk. Emergency button is very important in such cases, pinipindot lang ito kapag hindi na kayang mahandle ng therapist ang isang pasyente, at dali daling may papasok na mag aasist to escort or in such dangerous cases is tuturukan ito ng pampatulog. Sa boung karer ko ay wala pang natuturukan ng pampatulog pero nakailang ulit ko na'ring pinipindot ang emergency button to those patient acted violently.

Kahit na kusa silang pumupunta ng therapy session ay mahalaga paring mag tala ng mga attendance nito dahil nagrereplika ito sa'ming kakayahan na matulungan ang pasyenteng lumalapit samin. Kaya ginagawa namin lahat ng aming makakaya para lamang ay dumalo sila sa mga therapeutic session schedules.

It's not hard for me to notice Arya's triggered behavior. I was the trigger that caused Arya's outburst. She can't accept the harsh truth that whatever she was thinking is impossible.

I cannot risk my reputation and family for having a relationship to my patient.

I kept my voice gentle as I looked at her. "I understand you, Arya, I really do. However, there are professional boundaries that we need to maintain. I can't fulfill your request in the way you want it."

Tumayo ako habang sinasabi iyon, tiim bagang siyang nakatingin sakin na mas lalo itong nagalit ng bigkasin ko ang mga salitang iyon. Marahas itong lumapit sakin, na siyang kinaatras ko dahil sa takot na kung ano ang gagawin niya.

Akala ko ay kaya ko siyang pakalmahin, o ma de-escalate ang sitwasyon pero nagkakamali ako, nagsisi akong hindi ko pinindot ang emergency button, bakas na bakas sa mukha nito na kahit anong segundo ay kaya niya akong saktan.

Sa kaka-atras ko ay nasandal na ako sa pader, habang siya ay sobrang lapit sakin na halos magkadikit na ang aming katawan. Sobrang lakas na ng kabog ng dibdib ko dahil, wala na akong magalawan, habang galit lang itong nakatingin sakin.

"Arya please.."mahinang sambit ko na animo'y bulong na ang nangyari.

Tumayo ako habang sinasabi iyon, tiim bagang parin siyang nakatingin sakin mas lalo itong nagalit ng bigkasin ko ang mga salitang iyon. Marahas itong lumapit sakin, na siyang kinaatras ko dahil sa takot na kung ano ang gagawin niya.

Akala ko ay kaya ko siyang pakalmahin, o ma de-escalate ang sitwasyon pero nagkakamali ako, nagsisi akong hindi ko pinindot ang emergency button, bakas na bakas sa mukha nito na kahit anong segundo ay kaya niya akong saktan.

Sa kaka-atras ko ay nasandal na ako sa pader, habang siya ay sobrang lapit sakin na halos magkadikit na ang aming katawan. Sobrang lakas na ng kabog ng dibdib ko dahil, wala na akong magalawan habang galit lang itong nakatingin sakin.

"Arya please.."mahinang sambit ko na animo'y bulong na ang nangyari.

Sobrang takot ko na kahit anong pakiusap ko dito ay, ayaw niyang umalis sa harapan ko.

Marahas nitong hinawakan ang magkabilaang kamay ko ng sobrang higpit na kahit anong kawala at lakas ko ay walang epekto sa kanya. Mas diniinan niya lalo ang pagkakahawak sa dalawang braso ko na talaga namang damang dama ko ang higpit ng pagkakapit niya.

Pumikit nalang ako dahil sobrang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko, ngayon lamang ito nangyari sakin sa ilang taon ko sa propesyon na ito. Hindi ko sukat akalain na mangyayari sakin ang ganito.

Naramdaman ko nalang sa aking leegan na niyapos na niya ito ng halik, dinilaan at kinakagat ng marahas, hindi sa sensual na paraan.

"Arya pleaseee...." I shouted pleaded her to stop.

Mas lalo akong nagpumiglas, tinulak ko ito gamit ang aking katawan pero napaatras lamang ito. "Arya pleasee stopp!" I shouted.

"Arya, please stop!" I screamed, but she didn't hear my words. She kept on licking my neck, not in a sensual way but harassingly!

No one would hear my scream because the room was soundproof. The only thing that could save me was to press the button.

"Arya, please, I know you don't want to do these things, please..." I pleaded. But she was relentless and wouldn't stop.

"Please aryaa.." mahinang pagsusumamo ko.

She stopped and looking at me. Nawala ang mga galit sa kanyang mata, kasabay nito ang pagkalag ko sa kanyang kamay. Lumayo ako sa kanya ng bakas saking mukha ang takot.

Inosente itong tumingin sakin na malaki ang pagsisi sa kanyang nagawa, lumapit ito at humingi ng tawad na animo'y hindi niya alam ang kanyang ginawa kanina lang.

Umatras lang ako papalayo sa bawat hakbang niya papalit sakin, bakas parin sa mukha ko ang gulat at takot sa nangyari.

Lumabas ito sa opisina na tumatakbo at malakas na dabog ng pinto ang gumulantang sakin.

Napayapo ako saking sarili at pabagsak na umupo sa sofa dahil sa sobrang gulat at takot.

Maya maya lang ay pangambang pumasok ang councelor director sa'king opisina para magtanong, pero ng makita nito ang aking kalagayan ay nagulat ito at napalitan ng pag-aalala..