I Pretend I Don’t Mind

Chapter 4: At Last

My mother knocks on my door. She comes and finds me laying on my bed, in the same position I’ve been in all day. Under two layers of blankets, staring at the unchanging, blank ceiling above me.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

“Never better,” I respond, my eyes closed and my mouth tight.

“The sarcasm is unnecessary right now. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m fine.”

“Claire. I’m going to dinner tonight with someone. I don’t really want to leave you at home alone like this. You’re really worrying me.”

“Well how about I hop out bed, find a jacket, and accompany on your date? Would that make you feel better?”

My mother takes a deep sigh, “You can cut it with the sarcasm already.” She leaves my room, closing the door after herself.

I roll over onto my stomach and scream into my pillow.

I’m just so freaking frustrated that I can’t even communicate my words properly or express myself in a normal way.

I go downstairs to apologize to my mother but she’s already gone. I dig through the fridge to find something distracting to eat. Nothing.

I put on my shoes to make a trip to the store. Maybe all I need is some candy. Chocolate? I don’t know.

It’s times like these that I wish I had a car the most but it’s okay. Maybe a walk through fresh air is exactly what I need.

I hear the doorbell ring before I can finish tying my laces.

I open the front door and see Alexander standing there.

The biggest part of me feels so relieved just to see his face.

“Can I come inside?” he asks.

“No.” I join him outside and close the door after myself. “I’m on my way to the store, so you can walk with me there if you want.”

“I have my car; I’ll give you a ride if you want?”

“Sure.”

We get into his car and drive in silence towards the store.

“I would have called or texted you before showing up but I figured there’d be no point since you haven’t answered a call or text from in days.”

“Yeah, sorry,” I respond, in a monotone voice.

“What are you going to buy?” he asks.

“What do you care?”

“Okay Claire, listen. I’m sorry. Alright, I’m really sorry about what happened at my party. But you have no right to blame me for what Tucker did.”

“Did I ever say I blamed you? No.”

“Then why do you hate me?”

“Did I ever say I hate you? No.”

“You’re being so f*****g immature,” he groans.

“Me? Are you kidding? You tried to help him get away with cheating on my best friend and that makes me immature? You’re just as bad as him, does that make sense to you?”

“Well yes, but in the moment, I thought it would be best to avoid the conflict and the drama. Everyone had all been drinking and I didn’t want things to spiral out of control.”

“Well you did a terrible job at what you were hoping to accomplish,” I respond in a dry tone.

I cross my arms and look out the window, away from him.

“Did you mean what you said at the lake?” he asks.

“Why are you bringing that up right now?” I ask.

“Did you mean what you said or not? Because I think you’re using this whole thing between Tucker and Sabrina as an excuse to hide how you feel about me. You think things were moving too fast for us? You’re scared that you might actually love me?”

“Shut up, Alexander.”

“You used the first problem that came along as an excuse to run away from me. And shut me out. Because you’re scared of how you feel about me.”

“Just shut up.”

“I won’t. Because you’re scared that I’m going to do what every other guy in the world does and it’s just not true. You won’t let yourself believe that I’m good.”

“Because you’re not! No one is. You’re going to end up doing the same dumb s**t that every guy does. You’ll stop caring about me eventually. You’ll stop wanting to be around me. You’ll move on from me like I meant nothing to you and I don’t see a need to waste my time when I already know the outcome!”

“So you’re a psychic now?”

“No, I’m just smart!”

“On the contrary, Claire. You’re actually being quite dumb.”

“How dare you!”

“Well you’re dumb for assuming so poorly of me when I’ve given you no reason to doubt me. Just because Tucker messed up, I’ve done nothing to betray you or your trust.”

“That doesn’t mean you never will.”

“People make mistakes. It’s not like you’re a perfect person either!”

“You’re an asshole!”

“And you’re a coward.”

He says it so flatly.

Like it’s a fact.

Maybe it is.

He pulls into a parking spot at the store and turns off his car.

“Don’t ever speak to me again,” I say to him, getting out of his car and slamming the door.

I speed walk away, my heart starting to feel heavier with each pounding step.

Because I know how wrong I am

and I know how right he is

but I absolutely can’t face the truth.

I try to escape my thoughts but I can’t. I’m disoriented… dizzy.

Knowing I’m running away from something when I shouldn’t,

closing the door on something I shouldn’t.

He won’t chase me.

Danny didn’t care to fight for me and this is no different.

And it doesn’t matter anyway because Alexander deserves better than me.

I can’t be with someone in a truly understanding relationship when I can’t even understand myself.

Or am I just giving myself more excuses to keep running away?

It isn’t too late to turn around…

But I won’t turn around because I can’t.

Is this pride or something else pathetic in me?

I’ve shown him my true colors now.

He’s seen how f****d up I am.

He’s seen how weak I am.

I hear footsteps behind me. Running to catch up to me.

Alexander.

He runs in front of me and grabs onto me, breathless.

“Please don’t be dramatic and run away from me right now. We can talk about this. Please.”

I stare up at him, sort of dumbfounded.

He chased me.

“You chased me,” I say to him, repeating my own thoughts out loud. “I didn’t think you would.”

“Because I had to,” he responds.

“Why?” I ask, looking down at the ground. Too much going on inside of my mind to make eye contact with him.

“Because I know that you pretend you don’t care when it comes to the things you care about the most. Because of what you said at the lake,” he says, taking my chin and turning my face upwards towards him, “I love you too.”

He kisses me, deeply. Holding onto me with a sense of desperation. Not because he is desperate, but because he cares so much and he wants me to know it. He’s not even hiding it or toning it down to seem “cool”. He is giving himself away without a second thought.

I realize that I have to do the same for him.

Regardless of how stubborn I am and how hard it is to let him into the carefully crafted walls surrounding my heart.

...

Prom night.

I spent so much time back and forth deciding if I was actually going to go.

My mom smiles at me when she sees me in my dress, her eyes red rimmed.

“I can’t believe you’re really going to the prom,” she says, clasping her hands together in excitement.

I stare at my reflection, sort of surprised at who I see looking back at me.

I’m wearing a dress, a really pretty pale-pink dress.

My hair is perfectly curled and my makeup is precise and perfect.

Sabrina sits on the edge of my bed in her long golden dress, picking at her nails,

looking really distracted,

and lost.

This was supposed to be her night with Tucker but Tucker is nowhere to be found.

“You okay?” I ask her, sitting down beside her.

She nods and forces a smile.

Alexander shows up and we let my mom take a couple of pictures.

I know that Sabrina is feeling down so I try to keep my mother’s photoshoot short and get us out of the door and on our way.

When we enter the giant entry doors to Prom, it’s nothing I expected it to be.

I envisioned lame music, lame dancing, and lame people.

Instead it was similar to some parties I’ve been to.

Drunk, disorderly conduct including grinding, rubbing, and sloppy kissing. Loud music. Beautiful dresses. A fondue fountain, a drinks table, and a food bar. Happy people all around me.

It feels almost surreal that I was willing to miss out on this important closing cap of high school for my old close-minded reasons.

I spend half of my time dancing with Alexander and the other half with Sabrina.

A slow song comes on.

Alexander approaches me and asks me to dance, pulling me away from Sabrina. I take his hand, but see Tucker walking towards us from the entry way.

I quickly look back at Sabrina to see if she’s seen him too.

She’s already noticed him of course.

“Are you okay?” I ask her.

She nods.

Tucker approaches her and asks her to dance.

She takes his hand.

“I didn’t know you were still coming tonight,” she tells him.

“I’m sorry,” he says to her, as he pulls her closer to him to dance. They’re on the edge of the dancefloor. Away from the rest of the people.

“I know,” she responds.

“I hate myself for what I did and I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to describe how things have been without you. You told me about how you wanted to go to Dukesmith without me, and I freaked out. I started feeling insecure in every sense of the word. I acted out in a moment of frustration and impulsiveness. But I shouldn’t have done that… and I wasn’t thinking. I’m so sorry, Sabrina.”

“We don’t have to talk about it now,” she says closing her eyes, her face rested against his chest.

“But I-”

“Just hold me.”

He does as she asks, and they sway to the slow song that is playing

and to the world around them it looks they’re in love.

Like they never fell out of it.

I sway to the music in Alexander’s arms hoping that we might appear the same.

I realize that sometimes there’s never closure.

Like with my father. I understand that things will never be in good standing with him. But sometimes that’s okay.

I let my assumptions of the future and my experiences from the past take over my entire life to the point where I wasn’t truly living anymore.

I guarded myself so intensely and furiously

that I almost forced myself to miss out on real

happiness.

I gave up on love before I’d even experienced the real thing.

There’s a trap called love that I told myself I would never again walk into.

It’s like swimming in a tank of sharks, hoping you don’t get bitten.

Like confessing your secrets to a gossip, hoping they keep their mouth closed.

Like being naive enough to believe there is gold at the end of the rainbow.

Comparable,

to giving your heart to someone, hoping they don’t break it.

Love.

The act of risking it all and possibly losing everything.

Or maybe getting everything.