Mince Pie

The Unnatural Naturalist

It gives us a great deal of pleasure to announce, officially, that

spring has arrived.

Our statement is not based on any irrelevant data as to equinoxes or

bluebirds or bock-beer signs, but is derived from the deepest authority

we know anything about, our subconscious self. We remember that some

philosopher, perhaps it was Professor James, suggested that individuals

are simply peaks of self-consciousness rising out of the vast ocean of

collective human Mind in which we all swim, and are, at bottom, one.

Whenever we have to decide any important matter, such as when to get our

hair cut and whether to pay a bill or not, and whether to call for the

check or let the other fellow do so, we don't attempt to harass our

conscious volition with these decisions. We rely on our subconscious and

instinctive person, and for better or worse we have to trust to its

righteousness and good sense. We just find ourself doing something and

we carry on and hope it is for the best.

From this deep abyss of subconsciousness we learn that it is spring.

The mottled goosebone of the Allentown prophet is no more

meteorologically accurate than our subconscience. And this is how it

works.

Once a year, about the approach of the vernal equinox or the seedsman's

catalogue, we wake up at 6 o'clock in the morning. This is an immediate

warning and apprisement that something is adrift. Three hundred and

sixty-four days in the year we wake, placidly enough, at seven-ten, ten

minutes after the alarm clock has jangled. But on this particular day,

whether it be the end of February or the middle of March, we wake with

the old recognizable nostalgia. It is the last polyp or vestige of our

anthropomorphic and primal self, trailing its pathetic little wisp of

glory for the one day of the whole calendar. All the rest of the year we

are the plodding percheron of commerce, patiently tugging our wain; but

on that morning there wambles back, for the nonce, the pang of Eden. We

wake at 6 o'clock; it is a blue and golden morning and we feel it

imperative to get outdoors as quickly as possible. Not for an instant do

we feel the customary respectable and sanctioned desire to kiss the

sheets yet an hour or so. The traipsing, trolloping humor of spring is

in our veins; we feel that we must be about felling an aurochs or a

narwhal for breakfast. We leap into our clothes and hurry downstairs and

out of the front door and skirmish round the house to see and smell and

feel.

It is spring. It is unmistakably spring, because the pewit bushes are

budding and on yonder aspen we can hear a forsythia bursting into song.

It is spring, when the feet of the floorwalker pain him and smoking-car

windows have to be pried open with chisels. We skip lightheartedly round

the house to see if those bobolink bulbs we planted are showing any

signs yet, and discover the whisk brush that fell out of the window last

November. And then the newsboy comes along the street and sees us

prancing about and we feel sheepish and ashamed and hurry indoors again.

There may still be blizzards and frozen plumbings and tumbles on icy

pavements, but when that morning of annunciation has come to us we know

that winter is truly dead, even though his ghost may walk and gibber

once or twice. The sweet urge of the new season has rippled up through

the oceanic depths of our subconsciousness, and we are aware of the

rising tide. Like Mr. Wordsworth we feel that we are wiser than we know.

(Perhaps we have misquoted that, but let it stand.)

There are other troubles that spring brings us. We are pitifully

ashamed of our ignorance Of nature, and though we try to hide it we keep

getting tripped up. About this time of year inquisitive persons are

always asking us: "Have you heard any song sparrows yet?" or "Are there

any robins out your way?" or "When do the laburnums begin to nest out in

Marathon?" Now we really can't tell these people our true feeling, which

is that we do not believe in peeking in on the privacy of the laburnums

or any other songsters. It seems to us really immodest to keep on spying

on the birds in that way. And as for the bushes and trees, what we want

to know is, How does one ever get to know them? How do you find out

which is an alder and what is an elm? Or a narcissus and a hyacinth,

does any one really know them apart? We think it's all a bluff. And

jonquils. There was a nest of them on our porch, we are told, but we

didn't think it any business of ours to bother them. Let nature alone

and she'll let you alone.

But there is a pettifogging cult about that says you ought to know these

things; moreover, children keep on asking one. We always answer at

random and say it's a wagtail or a flowering shrike or a female

magnolia. We were brought up in the country and learned that first

principle of good manners, which is to let birds and flowers and animals

go on about their own affairs without pestering them by asking them

their names and addresses. Surely that's what Shakespeare meant by

saying a rose by any other name will smell as sweet. We can enjoy a rose

just as much as any one, even if we may think it's a hydrangea.

And then we are much too busy to worry about robins and bluebirds and

other poultry of that sort. Of course, if we see one hanging about the

lawn and it looks hungry we have decency enough to throw out a bone or

something for it, but after all we have a lot of troubles of our own to

bother about. We are short-sighted, too, and if we try to get near

enough to see if it is a robin or only a bandanna some one has dropped,

why either it flies away before we get there or it does turn out to be a

bandanna or a clothespin. One of our friends kept on talking about a

Baltimore oriole she had seen near our house, and described it as a

beautiful yellowish fowl. We felt quite ashamed to be so ignorant, and

when one day we thought we saw one near the front porch we left what we

were doing, which was writing a check for the coal man, and went out to

stalk it. After much maneuvering we got near, made a dash--and it was a

banana peel! The oriole had gone back to Baltimore the day before.

We love to read about the birds and flowers and shrubs and insects in

poetry, and it makes us very happy to know they are all round us,

innocent little things like mice and centipedes and goldenrods (until

hay fever time), but as for prying into their affairs we simply won't do

it.