Louisseena

Chapter 4

Nana

It has been a year since I felt my mate rejected me. We never contacted each other since that day. I was in a wreck, my wolf just disappeared like she died. But I still know I’m a werewolf, I still had a strong sense of smell and good sight. But it wasn’t like before. Nobody in my family knew that I had met my mate or that my mate had rejected me.

My mother has been so busy with my elder brother’s training and status in this pack. He has gotten mature in some sorts after meeting his mate and wanted to run for a warrior position or higher. I always kept to myself in my room, constantly rethinking the events of my life.

Sometimes my mom would just stand outside my door and say nasty things. Always comparing me with her now favourable pup. That I am good for nothing like my dad, never contributing to this family, letting her do all the work. They barely saw my face and probably just thought that I was getting weak due to not having a mate at this age.

Warning : ** Self Harm & Suicide are mentioned in this part below**

I knew very well I’m spiraling down, bringing my mind to the details of death. It scares me a little when I go too deep to the emptiness but I try to think of it more often.

How do I want to die? How do I exactly want to die? The ways to die, should I do it a peaceful one or an instant one?

Should I close my windows and doors, burn fuel to let carbon monoxide fill the space and die peacefully in my sleep?

I bring my mind to imagine myself lying on my own bed.

Should I go to a high rise building and jump off the rooftop?

I’m picturing myself standing on a tall building looking down at the tiny trees on the ground.

What if I landed on the trees and didn’t die? Then everyone would know I was that psycho girl that tried committing suicide. They would ask a lot of questions.

My mind moves forward to see myself standing on the beach.

Should I try to drown myself in the ocean? I sort of love the ocean. I am quite a good swimmer in the water. I won’t be able to drown if I swim. What happens if I get tired? Will I give up on dying? I wish a shark would come and eat me. Should I try to tie myself to some heavy rock and drown myself? I imagined myself in the deep sea.

My mind goes again to imagine myself standing in the kitchen.

Should I get a silver knife and pierce my heart? Or cut my wrist and let myself bleed out in my room behind locked doors and wait for my family to find out days later?

**************************

Somehow I had obtained a piece of silver scrap with a sharp edge when I was young. I found it on the floor when my parents were quarreling and hid it in a blue velvet box.

I did use it before. I used a piece of paper and wrapped it and let it rest on my skin. It freaking burns but I didn’t cry. I just watched it burn through my skin and took it off. It did leave a wound that wouldn’t heal for days.

My mum saw it the next day and asked what’s that. I just lied that I fell down and cut myself. But my mom only just kept questioning me and suspected that Thelma was abusing me. On the contrary, the only one that really cared was Thelma. When she was back from her time off, she saw my wound. Immediately she went to the pack doctor and got me some herbs. She didn’t interrogate me like my mum who then just sat back and did nothing to the wound. My wound finally healed but there was a scar. The scar now isn’t that visible unless you know where to look.

**********************

I picked up the silver that still had the old paper wrapped around half of it and held it against my left wrist. I carefully slide it up and down my wrist an inch. It freaking burns and blood is trickling out the small outlet. I sob some more as I applied more pressure on my cut wrist on the same spot. The person whom I loved most dumped me and I don’t know why. And right now the person who gave life to me makes me feel like taking it away. How ironic.

**********************

After I stopped, my wound didn’t heal immediately. I stared at it and thought, why do people self harm? I gained nothing from it, not even any satisfaction. I’ve read from the human world news that people self harm themselves when they are not in their best of mind. I guess I did try to learn their ways too much. It also frustrates me even more when I can't find the right way to release my anger and sadness.

I felt nobody could understand me and that the goddess had ditched me once again. I should have known that sadness is forever. Why did I even once believe that I could be happy? Must be a big joke, I cried.

The only person who knew about my mate was Kahley. I didn’t want anyone to know about this because I thought I could handle it and that my mate, Marcus would come for me. Because I am not accustomed to happiness, I thought it would be best that when I’m for sure settled, I would tell my mom and my alpha.

Now it’s just a humiliating mess. I never want anybody to know, especially the Alpha. Once he knows, my family would know. And then what will everyone say? I didn’t want more interrogation from my mother. Kahley tries her best at comforting me but I am ignoring her.

My wolf wasn’t even there to comfort me.. No.. I should be comforting her but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even shift since then. They said when the mate bond is broken, it can kill your wolf. I didn’t want my wolf to die. She’s the only one I have left in this world. Thelma has already left me when my dad died…so did Marcus, my mate. I don’t want Raven to go too.

That was what Kahley said to me. She tried all sorts of ways and finally she said that if I still wanted my wolf back, I should really pick myself up.

“Lou.. you are stronger than this.”