You and I

The Love That Is Not For Me

As soon i started using discord i met this girl and she was extremely nice and a really interesting women who really peaks my interest at the time i thought weirdly about online love/discord love because it was so weird to fall in love through a person online, but i question that thought afterwards upon meeting her. One day we are just alone in a voice call and i recommended to her that we should match our online profile at discord . We should start doing these couple dp things , she agreed she sends me a picture and ever since that day we always have that couple picture and in the game we played we also match our pfp. I started to become invested into her because at the time when the pandemic is still rising she is all i have , no one else . To disregard that emptyness that i felt in my heart i just go with the flow of time and spend more time with her , i started to see that she is also into me so we started being consistent with our communication togetether . But sadly a week goes by and she doesn't even message me at all and because of my poor mental health at the time i was so anxious i thought many different bad things that could happen to us. I thought it was the end of our communication but later she came back , but i let my emotions get over me i let those anger that i felt take control of me and i said many different bad things to her , i neglectedd her feelings i also started to show no respect to her because i dont even respect myself at the time . I did not learn anything from my past relationship , i was still that weak boy who is jealous,weak,fragile,emotional. I did not become the best me for her and there i can see that i repulses her , i can now see why the both of them left me , Simple answer i lack love in my life , i don't know how to be a man or to act like a man of purpose i have no sense of direction and i relied my happiness solely on my realtionship and if something bad happens in that relationship i felt really bad and felt like the world is crashing before my own eyes. I was so negative i did not even realize it because the self awareness that i have is so bad the only thing that i wanted is to receive love from someone because i don't even love myself . Im stuck with that loophole of what can i do to become better person. As days progress i become more toxic with chizu and we always argue online i even badmouthed her in our conversation . Then eventually she decided to stop and that day , the world that i think was easy came crashing before me i soon realize that . I should learn how to control my anger issues because my mood swings are really bad at the time.But then as those days move forward and i came into a vacation with my cousins i spent almost two whole weeks with them it was fun , and i got something really special for chizu and that is i learn that psychology course onto her . Ever since my early highschool years i really love giving advice to someone , and i also wanted to talk to people and make them hear my thoughts on my head cleary and i was so very thankful for chizu because she made me realize that , i hope she already forgive and forget me for all of the bad things that i have did to her , and i always promise that i will become better because i do not want to waste our time together even if they say it was only a online dating app , it was still a genuine friendship that i receive onto her and she will always be remembered in my memories . As those days in my vacation passes nothing changes in my life i was still that lazy little boy who only loves to play games/ watch some anime i did not even brush my teeth because i only just wanted to play some video games i did not even know that my mental health at that time was so bad . I was just fixated of playing games and focusing in the present pleasures that i am receiving towards gaming and my other habits that i don't even know was bad at the time. But as soon as the vacation stop and i eventually goes to school regularly and this is where my world started to eventually change.