No Hope

VIII - The Past

Days passed by, and i didn't see him after what happened that day, he just left the ship and returned after midnight and locked himself inside his room. as if we are switching roles, at first i was the one who is locking herself inside the room and now he is locking himself. Edward and Stephen kept asking me what happened between us that made him like this, but i didn't have the answer for them because i didn't know the answer myself, all i did is change as he told me to do, the next thing i know is that he is sucking the air from my lungs, leaving me breathless. i didn't try talking to him, because he is the one who is always on the edge of killing me. and right now, it was almost midnight and no one was awake, so i decided to leave the ship and discover this new island. i never left the castle so it feels good to go to new places with them, everyday we go to a different place which is so much fun.

i walked around the streets, i thought there would not be much people, but when i saw it's full of people, it really is wonderful. as i walked around, i was smiling like a little kid, i never got a taste of freedom after my father passed away. i was free, i am walking around like a normal woman, no guards, no punishments, no one to tell me what to do or where to walk. the pirate thing is not that bad at the end of the day, my main and only problem is the captain. he is just weird, he is scary, he is always angry and he does not take a simple no for an answer, when he says something then you have to do what he says, no discussing him or anything. i wonder what is he hiding, i know that i am also hiding stuff, but he is hiding more than he shows, there is a barricade between the present and the past, and if remembers one thing from his past, a part of the barricade will break. just like what happened a few days ago. he remembered something from his past, that made his soul travel to the past, and forget about the present. i decided to forget everything and i walked to the shore, people we're also walking around. i sat down on the sand and i admired the ocean.

"Little baby in the dark house, You have seen the sun rise. Why are you crying? Why are you screaming? You have disturbed the house god " i sung the words slowly, quietly and carefully. my mother always used to sing it to me before i fall asleep, even when i was older. a tear escaped my eye as i imagined her singing it to me. with her soft and loving voice, and her soft fingers running through my hair. and i remember the last time i heard her singing it, she was sick, and her face was white and pale, and her fingers we're shaking as she played with my hair, and her voice was low as if she barely managed to let the words out. i remember asking her if she is okay, and gave me a weak smile and said.

"god is ready to meet me, he has a room prepared for me up in heaven, he is waiting for me" and after i fell asleep, i woke up and i found out that her soul has left her body. at that day, i realized that i am lucky to still have my dad, he made me the happiest, he sometimes came to my room and sang that lullaby for me and played with my hair because he knew that i missed mom more than anything. and one day, my father was happy, and he was just like a little kid, running around, laughing around. as if he just saw an angel. he was still a young man who had a long green path in front of him, and the next day he was announced dead, and my uncle became the king. they announced that he was dead from sickness, but i tried to tell them that he was not sick, and he was nothing except a cheerful man who is wondering what the future holds for him. they did not let us see his corpse, and from that day, i was sure that he was killed by his own brother, who did anything in the world just to be a king. but at first, i didn't want to believe that he killed my father. and for a while, i was happy to have him around, he was acting like a father figure for me, but after one day, he showed me the beast inside him, he showed me his demons, and he turned from a normal man to a man who is greedy, he wanted everything for himself. and he destroyed my life, he destroyed my childhood, he took my innocence away from me by force. and i was forced to live with him for the past few years.

"Who has disturbed me? says the house god. It is the baby who has disturbed you. Who scared me? says the house god. The baby has disturbed you, the baby has scared you. Making noises like a drunkard who cannot sit still on his stool. He has disturbed your sleep" i kept singing my heart out, my voice wasn't loud, only loud enough for me to hear. at this moment, people started leaving, but i was enjoying every second. i wanted to stay like this forever. 

as i was singing, i closed my eyes and i placed my hand on my hair and i started playing with it, as i imagined that mom and dad are the ones who are playing with it, and after a few minutes i felt a burn in my throat, then the tears escaped my eyes. they both left me, they left me alone in this sick world, in a world where no one cares about me. they left me like a lonely star in the sky, they left me in a world where people only care about themselves and their desires. they didn't even take me with them, they just left alone, they left me to discover the world all by myself, they left me when i was a kid. a kid who had no one to protect her when her filthy uncle used her as a bait to empty his desires, and with his son that tortured me in many ways and no one volunteered to help me, they just left me there to drown in my own pool of blood. as my soul was stolen by the darkness in the past years, the real Cecile was still inside, but she can't find her way out, and she doesn't want to find the way, because as soon as she leaves her cell, the darkness will be quick to find her and torture her again. everyone just see me as a normal ordinary woman, but they don't know what is going inside me, the torture is unbearable, the darkness is eating me alive and i am not doing anything about it. i am not even fighting it, all i want to do is follow mom and dad, to see them for the last time. to tell them that i love them and i need them in my life, and tell them that i am sorry because i am not the perfect daughter they wanted me to be. i am not their little princess anymore, i am just a woman with no soul, the remaining part of her soul is burning for revenge. 

i wish to see them, and tell them that i love them, and that i regret each second i raised my voice at them, i remember once telling my father that i hate him and i never apologized about it. i can feel him sitting down and wondering what is he doing wrong that caused me to hate him. and i can feel him thinking that he is not doing a great job raising me without mom. and i remember once telling him that he will never be like mom, and i remember the sadness in his eyes. and he just told me that he is trying his best to be a good father. and i remember once telling my mother to leave my room, and she told me that she just wanted to play with my hair and i told her that i don't want her filthy hands on me. i remember hearing her cry, and telling my father that she doesn't want me to hate her. i never apologized for any of those things, i never told them that i didn't mean anything that i said. and they both died thinking that i meant every word i said.i never got the chance to tell them that i was just being selfish, and i didn't want to show them that i love them, which i regret till this day. they are the ones who taught to fly and i flew away from them, leaving them alone, i just left them there wondering what did they do wrong. and i didn't have the time to tell them that that didn't do anything wrong, but time passes by without even noticing. then some people come, and they cut your wings, and they leave you with pain. they make you hate them so much to a point where you can't even remember them without wanting to tell them that they destroyed you, they pushed you down and they tortured your soul and no one ever helped you to stand back up. 

i see them, in my head, laughing together, being happy with each other. and thinking that i am what they wanted me to be. but i am not, i am just a weak and a soulless little girl, who is hiding away from the world because she is scared

"i wonder what is going on inside your mind" a voice said from behind me. and i didn't bother myself to turn around. i also didn't bother to wipe my tears.

"can i have some time for myself?" i angrily said. my eyes didn't leave the ocean.

"i just wanted to check up on you, since you left a long while ago" the captain said, then he sat down next to me. i didn't even look at him. 

"what is causing those tears to fall?" he asked and more tears just escaped my eyes.

"we all have our reasons" i said and i weakly smiled. times passes by fast.

"what kind of reasons?" he asked. and i wonder what is causing him to be this nice.

"you came to check up on me, i am still alive, now leave" i said and he laughed.

"you are always like a little girl that is lost, but once you are mad, you become a dragon" the captain said and i couldn't help but laugh. i like this side of him, but i knew that i will not last for long.

"let's make this quick and easy, first of all, i never planned on arriving late, but i had something important and i didn't think that you will be this fast" he started. he was talking about that night with john. and i wanted to ask him what was so important but i didn't, because if i asked he will turn into the mean Elias.

"and about what happened a few days ago, i remembered something. and i lost it" he said and i laughed.

"is this an apology?" i said. he huffed and and i laughed.

"no it's not. and if you keep doing this i don't mind doing over and over again" he said and i just smiled.

"let's go back. it's late now" he said as he stood up. he offered me his hand and i hesitated but i eventually took it and he helped me to stand up. i looked around and there was no one around.

"the second one to arrive is a scumbag" i said and he gave me a questioning look. then i turned around and i started running as fast as i could, i turned around to face him and he was running after me. 

"i will catch you" he said from behind me. i screamed and i ran faster. i couldn't help but smile, i never thought that i would see this side of him. i turned around to only find his hand a step away from me, i was about to run faster but he was quick to grab me. i screamed as he threw me in the air, my laughs we're heard from miles away. then he placed me on the ground and i took a deep breath.

"you are still a scumbag" i said. then i looked at him and i was shocked, he was smiling. literally smiling.

"you should smile more often" i said. he looked away to hide his smile. i gave him a warm smile before i turned around and i walked to the ship. then i stopped and i turned around to look at him.

"i forgot, you should also have more fun often. life is short" i said and i turned around and kept walking without waiting to see his reaction or something.

"i will figure you out one day, Elias" i said out loud as i walked away. and i knew that he was shocked without even looking at him. i wanted to turn around and enjoy my time with him, but i stopped myself from doing it, i don't want to get used to this side of him because i know that it will not last for tomorrow. he is a secret that i will try to discover, and to him? i am also a secret that he is trying to discover.