The Beauty and the Inked

Twenty-six: What Matters to us

“You're kidding, right?" Bella's voice was full of annoyance. I'm glad that finally, after a long time of not talking to her she finally had the time to call me. She's busy with her thesis and I understand. She will be graduating this year and I'm so much excited for her. I'm planning to go down there for her graduation but I don't know yet.

"What do you want me to do? Push him away?" I asked. I sound so pathetic.

"If that's the right thing to do, then why not?"

"You know I'm crazy..." I said with a whispery voice.

"This doesn't count as craziness, Yssa. That is a profoundly stupid decision. You're giving him the impression that he can get you anytime he wants," her words were true, but I don't know. I'm confused and stuck.

I buried my face on my pillow, "I don't know..." I'm back again in shambles. The Zack thing is confusing me, my Dad stresses me out, and it's just my life that is completely in great confusion.

"What do you mean you don't know?" Bella asked with a pinch of authority in her tone, "Yssa, I love you. By now, I believe that that is clear but this Zack drama is just pissing me off."

"I know," I answered her, feeling a little sheepish.

"If he really likes you he wouldn't disappear just like that."

"Maybe he got some good reasons," I tried to shed some light on her judgments but knowing Bella, that won't work. She stick to what she believe and say everything that she wants, sometimes it's a bit offending- but right now, it is what I needed.

"Don't defend him, Yssa. When you told me about his sudden disappearance two weeks ago I was really planning to fly over there and search wherever the hell he was and slap the s**t out of him. God knows how I wanted so badly. He should thank the heavens I was busy with my thesis," I heard her laugh a little and shuffling on the background. "He can't just get back to you and kiss his misdoing away. That's not how it works, Yssabelle."

"I'm really confused, Bella."

"You shouldn't be," her voice stern, "I like him. I think you and him would really go together but if he plays dirty, dear oh dear, stir away from the bastard."

"That's just impossible-"

"Impossible?! You can stay away from him, you just don't want to," shoot. Bella never misses a hole. She practically knows how my mind works and it's damn amazing, at least she can knock some sense in me whenever I seem to be not functioning well.

"You know what he does to me," I admitted. Shamelessly. With Zack it's different from all the flings that I had before.

"You just want someone you can cling to, Yssabelle. You need a friend, you have Logan or Jane, or even that guy from the pub- what's his name?"

"Andrei."

"Yeah, him. But stay away from Zack, not until you have smoothened things out with him. Clear everything, Yssabelle. I mean it: from top to bottom. Make sure there is no unanswered question in your head before you go for him."

How am I supposed to do that? "Okay, I'll talk to him," I said, finally convinced with her words.

"Good," I know that she's smiling and I did, too. What will I do without this wonderful lady?

"Tell Lexi I said hi."

. . . .

"Is something wrong?" Zack asked me for like the millionth time tonight. He took me to a nice restaurant, very romantic.

"Huh?" I asked.

"You keep on zoning out," he said with a chuckle. He took his wine and emptied his glass, "I hope you're enjoying, though you are impassive most of the time."

"I'm just thinking about my Dad. Wondering how he is," I lied.

"You look very troubled, baby," he reached to touch my cheek and I lean into his touch.

Do I? I don't really... maybe I should ask him now where he went when he disappeared. Yes. I have to know. I'm starting to feel that I'm making a fool of myself for hanging out with him even after his act. It's not only that, I should ask him what are we doing... what is this sweet dinner dates and holding hands and kissing and- ugh.

"How's work?" He asked me, "I hope Rob doesn't showcase his d**k personality whenever you're around," his eyes darkened.

"No. I think he's actually nice," I tried to explain. That's how I see Rob sometimes, a nice guy. Though most of the time he's too cocky...

"Really?"

"Yeah," I nod as I ate the last piece of my steak.

"Well, he better not mess with you," I love that he is concerned with me.

I studied his face, this beautiful young man before me, I don't know whether he is mine or not. I don't know if we are on the same page or I'm almost on the cliff falling into a black hole. There are just a million of unsaid things that I want to know. It scares me that I barely know him, but my attraction for him overpowers me.

“What are we actually, Zack?" my mouth delivered the words almost in a hurry.

His eyebrows scrunched, and his eyes went bleak. He just stared at me for a few moments, just looking straight to my eye. I saw how the drenched expression of his hazel eyes slowly slips and turns into a sincere one. He reached for my hand, placed his above mine.

"I mean," I started talking again since it was clear that he was unable to answer my first question, "What is this? Dates and kissing and holding hands? It's just- I'm completely clueless of our relationship. It's like- we're friends but more than that but then we're not friends-"

"Aren't you happy?" He asked me. The nervousness on his face sends guilt down my spine. I'm making him feel disconcerted, and it feels so wrong.

Keep going, Yssa. It is now or never. My mind screamed a million question, "I am," I answered Zack.

"Is it really important that we have a label ourselves?" He asked me, "On our relationship?"

"That is my problem, Zack. I don't know where we are right now. I don't know what 'relationship' means to you? Do we see that word in the same perspective or I'm too ahead and you're way behind me?"

"It doesn't matter to me, whatever we call ourselves," he gestured between us, "Boyfriend and girlfriends- I don't give a shit."

What? My insides churn with his words, "Really? So, we're not really sure about this-" I motioned between us, "We're not? So, maybe we're just f**k buddies or god knows what. Is that it?" I hissed as I snatched my hand away from his touch.

I can't believe it, I'm so stupid. As I stare into his hazel eyes, my inside turns and there is an unexplainable pain deep inside me. I want to run away but a larger part of me says that I should stay and wait for him to talk. Don't cry, I thought to myself as I try my best to keep my emotions intact. He doesn't give a s**t? How can he say that?! He kissed me not just once, and he f*****g doesn't give a s**t?!

"Why is that so important?" his eyes widening with what- anger?

"How can you ask me that question?"

"I want to know," his beautiful face was now etched with fear. Why?

"What if it is important to me? I'm just thinking that maybe we're heading way to fast down onto something-"

"We walk together in this, it's not that I drag you in this situation," his words stabbed me right through my chest. He is right. We walked together, hand in hand in this confusing situation.

"I'm not blaming you or something," my voice was small.

"I did not say you were."

"But that’s what you were implying," I countered. I rest my forehead on my palms, almost covering my face. I need to distance a little. Zack is very intoxicating and he's not good with my insanity.

"It's not important, baby. What's important is you and me."

I shook my head in confusion, "I don't know." Ask him where he went! Why didn't he call? Or even texted you? "Where have you been?"

Fear flashed to his eyes for a moment but it was gone second later. And I was scared, he was like when I had met him, "You're over-thinking, Yssa."

"You didn't answer my question," it's too painful to witness or to caught him off guard. What? Does he really think that I would settle without knowing where he had gone?

"It's not important."

"Is everything not important, Zack?"

"What is wrong, Yssabelle?"

"Why can't you just tell me?" my forehead made contact on my palm as I closed my eyes again. I'm surprised we were able to talk this s**t without making any kerfuffle inside this serene restaurant. The people around us were oblivious with our little argument.

" Yssa-" I cut him off with a huff.

I looked up to him and I gathered all the courage that I have, with all my might and will, I said the most right words to say, "Why don't we give each other a time to think?"

. . . .

As I hailed a cab, the waves of tears were already escaping my damn eyes.

"God damn it, Yssabelle!" I cursed as I slid inside the taxi and wiped my tears. You were the one who proposed a f*****g cool off, cool off? Who am I kidding? We don’t even have a bond to be able to 'cool off'. But as the cab drives through the streets of Bradford, my world was slowly deflating; slowly turning into a dull and misery one. What's it gonna be now?

. . . .

My weekend was utterly tiring, after I got home from the gym I had decided to do some cleaning in my room, throwing away all the unnecessary furniture, slightly making my room a more of a lady-like instead of a teenager-like.

I was arranging my closet when a knock on my door disturbed me, followed by my mum's voice, "Honey, I have a package here. Named to you," she knocked a couple of time before I finally reached the door. Her eyes lit with happiness as she handed me the parcel.

"Thanks," I said, I was about to shut the door but decided against it. So, I just left it open for her to peek.

"I see you're redecorating your room," she said as she stepped inside. It been a month and a week since I got here and it is only now that I have decided to change how my room looks.

"Yeah," I gave my mum my brief reply. I threw the parcel at my bed and went back to my closet.

"I want to give this to you," she place a car key on top of my dresser, "Your Dad's car needs to be used, honey."

I did not face her, still unsure of what to say. Not just with the car but with everything. I didn't have the courage, and I guess she understood. I heard her left my room and I finally let the breath I was holding.

I'm tired, tired as in tired with all the troubles life has to offer for me. I'm the most unfortunate person in the whole world. Why can't we just say 'Oh I don't like that problem, offer that to someone else, someone who is much stronger than I am.' Can't we just say 'no' to our problems?

Breathe in, breathe out.

I reached for the parcel and ripped open the brown cover. I'm not surprised. It's from the demigod. As I pulled the note inside a key fell. A key? To his hotel room? What's he thinking? I open the note. Oh god... a letter from Zack.

Baby, I'm sorry. Let's work this together. I know I hurt you for not telling where I have been, but really it wasn't important that's why I don't want us to fight over it. But you wanted time so I'm giving it to you. Let me know when you made up your mind. I just want you to know that I miss you and I can't sleep just thinking that you're upset to me. These past days were dull and I just want to hear your voice. Please, Yssa, let's work this thing out.

Wow. Just three days of avoiding his call and not replying to his texts made him do this? I played the key on my palm, weighing the possibility of me using it. I snap out of my thoughts before I convince myself to use my Dad's car and drive to Zack's flat and cave in.

I want to see him. No- I need to. Don't be ridiculous! I can survive without him, if he will ever do is to lie at my face then I'd prefer to just be away from him.

But a part of me craves to see him. Part of me wants to use this key on my palm and fix things between us. But that isn't easy.

What happened Friday night was so painful that I even needed to take sleeping pills to doze off. God knows how frustrated and pained I was that night. I didn't even said goodbye to Zack, afraid that that would be the last time. I flop on my bed, feeling more and more dreadful with all that is happening.

I found myself standing in front of Zack's hotel room. What the hell am I doing here? My palms are sweating and I'm fidgeting. Should I knock? Or should I just use this key? My eyes flicked back and forth. This isn't right. It's too early to cave in and give up. And I haven't made up my mind of what I should with Zack.

"Don't go there, Yssa! Remember, this is not how relationship works!" Bella's voice echoed at the hallway.

"Bella?" I called, but I was only answered by my own echo.

"I miss you, baby," now it was Zack's voice that echoed. What the f**k?

I woke up with a semi-dark sky. I sat on my bed, feeling a little dizzy. Bella's voice keeps echoing in my mind, relationships do not work this way. Then how? I shook my head as if clearing my mind from all the shits I'm over-thinking.

I look around me, I haven't done working on my room and it's almost dark. Oh hell.

"Honey," my mum peeked inside my room, she pushed it a little wider and stepped inside. A bouquet of roses on her hand, "You don't have to guess who it is from," she smiled, "He's waiting downstairs."

Flowers? From Zack, I know. But he's doing it so much. He said he's giving me time and now a bouquet? Really? I guess he's not a man of his words.

"Thanks, mom. I'll just change into pajamas and I'll see him," I said as I stood up and made my way to my bathroom.

"PJs? Honey, wear something presentable, can you?" Her statement was more of a request to me.

"I'll be there in a minute," my voice stern as I dismissed her. Actually, why would I need to waste my time going down there? I don't want to him. You're just upset. Oh shut up.

I've got war my mind. I want to see him, so badly. Three days of not seeing Zack is dreadful but I just can't shake off the thought that he's lying to me. Ugh. I'm stronger than a girl who succumbs with just a snap of his fingers.

Minutes later I was already running downstairs, running my fingers through my hair.

"Oh, there she is," I heard my mum's voice from the kitchen.

As I turned to meet Zack I was brought into a sudden halt.

"Hi," Logan’s eyes were lit with amusement as he stood by the end of the table. I was used to seeing him wearing nurses' scrubs but now that he's in front of me wearing a button up shirt he just- his looks struck me like a lightning.

"Logan," I said, confusion lingered my voice. I stepped inside the kitchen.

"Haven't seen you in a while," he said with a shy smile.

"Oh yeah, whenever I drop at my Dad you weren't there," I said, slightly uncomfortable. I should've worn something presentable.

"What brought you here?" the same time my mom left the room. Now it's just the two of us. Great.

"I was driving around here and-"

“With roses prepared?" my mouth is unbelievably incredible sometimes. I looked away from him; it's not only him who felt shy.

"Yeah," he chuckled, "With roses prepared," he continued.

"This is awkward," I muttered under my breath as I took a bottle of water from the fridge.

"Err- yeah, I guess."

What is happening? Please. I'm too stressed with so much happening; I just hope that his intentions were far from what I have in mind. But what motive does a guy have if he drives all the way to a girl's house, right?

"Are you free tomorrow night?" he asked me, completely answering the inevitable.

"It's Monday," I answered with a slight nod, "I'm going to see my Dad," I said, still not facing him.

"Maybe I can take you out after my duty?" shoot.

I'm really hoping that he wouldn't press too much. I like Logan, but not in the way he likes me. I see him as a friend, but I just don't have the guts to turn him down. Well, not tonight.

"Yeah," I answered as I turned to face him. The nervousness was palpable in his features. Isn't he cute?

A smile spread on his face, "Okay, cool."

. . . .

"Bye, Daddy," I said as I kissed his forehead. My dad looks peaceful in his sleep, I just hope I would be able to see those eyes again- those once I considered golden eyes. He got this brown shade but a light one, nearly hazel but darker.

I want to think that tomorrow or maybe the next day he would stir and wake up from his deep sleep. But I know it's far from reality as of now, and with the doctor's word swimming in my head, my fears were just being fueled. I stood up before I even started crying.

"Sweetie," I heard a muffled call.