Niko’s Eye

Chapter 67.

Alejandro.

I never grew up with a sense of what love truly was. I never had the privilege of knowing what the essence of marriage truly was. But what I’ve learnt is that although we can love our traditions, of dresses, suits and rings, the marriage happens long before in the quiet moments of star-united lovers. Isis was meant to be in my life and I had realised it, long before my heart could even grasp and process the reality of what was going on. My parents weren’t the best at being married. My father was actually a low-key, emotionally abusive man. Usually, the abuser in a marriage often, ironically, voices that the partner is "manipulative and stupid," ironic because manipulation requires intelligence. Also, every conversation is a manipulation, the question is what the motivation is. Are they being loving and kind or cold hearted and dismissive of the other? Are they thinking of what is best for their partner or best for themselves? Because, the former is love and the latter is a form of "use" that is abuse.

Isis and Alejandro’s love seemed to have been written in the stars. Their marriage was written in their eyes the first day they met, not a thing of human-kind nor laws, yet existed as if the universe had brought together two souls that were already betrothed.

A marriage is a deep and loving friendship, one in which the love is so strong that each would sacrifice for the other, one that s*x gets added to. So the only way to a lasting and happy marriage is via friendship. So take it slow, get to know the other person fully, be best friends.... and save the s*x for marriage... because when you do that you’ll find that humans mate for life and it is a sure way to a joyful way of living. The alternative is exposing yourself to the risks of sexually transmitted disease as potential partners "try you out" in non-committal ways. This is because you didn’t take the time to be best friends first... that you got addicted to s****l contact... which is awesome in a marriage between best friends and terrible when trust and surety is absent. So abstaining until you meet "the one" is by far the sexiest thing you can do... better for the health of your body and brain.

Alejandro was content that he still hadn’t slept with Isis. This proved that what he felt for her was past anything that the physical world could comprehend.

I regret being an abusive man to my fellow females. And my experiences taught me that, if you find yourself in a space where your partner has high expectations of you and you expect nothing of them, or feel emotionally taxed if you do voice any expectations, then you are in an abusive marriage. These are the spoken methods of the male supremacist. There are instructions all over the internet, especially in the large overlap between white supremacist and misogynistic groups. There are however, naturally, a majority of good white men and a majority of good men in general whom are loving and chivalrous to women. They are still, thank the heavens, a minority. But, sister, if that sounds as if you are living that life. Seek help. You are worth loving and supporting the right way by a real man. I’m happy that I’ve become a man who can equal up to realness and non-cowardice.

Aisha.

She sat there thinking about her emotional state and how much of a shelless person she had become.

We are all born to love, with full abilities for empathy, logical analysis and creativity. Almost all children are born as geniuses. Yet the emotional environment inflicted by poverty, caused by social darwinism, creates this dysfunction and then shames and blames its historical victims. Thus, from rich to poor, we can only win together, as one society, one big functional family.

Aisha could recite all the reasons yet of course she was still left with the emotional pain and scars. She knew that the inherited traumas of the years were in the room when either of her parents surrenders their self control, when their primitive brains took over tasks that empathy and logic should be custodians of. Being mixed, as many families are, the trauma came down many lines to damage the brains of his loved ones - Mexican, Spanish , White working class and Black Caribbean - so many cultures and peoples used as a means to an ends for generations. She wanted to end the terrible cycle of pain, be better for her kids, and she wanted to find out how, to read all the books she could and keep on practising good self control with empathy and logic. Brains can heal, they simply need the right opportunity and environment to do so in. They need the right role models. Hope, chance and a helping hand - a recipe to make dysfunction can become function, to release the prisoners of their own brokenness into wellness. But she haid failed, dismally.

I feel that family values are a thing you develop when you value your family - when they become what you most cherish beyond any material possession or vehicle for either positive self esteem or negative ego. Yet there are times when you must choose children over other relatives, and this happens more often when you are from a family of intergenerational trauma. That trauma changed the neurology of family members, and it altered the epigenetics too, it’s a biological debt inflicted rather than personally earned, yet it is what I needed to figure out if I was to change the fortunes of my own children. I learned there are times to let go of bonds that have become too twisted to ever fix, that by doing so and putting all you efforts into the next generation there is a real chance to win. I think of it as if I am a sailing ship, perfectly balanced with my children aboard. Yet the other relatives insist on sitting all on one side causing a potential capsize. In reality, they have no need of my deck, they are perfectly able to sail away in their own boats. It’s simply a matter of finding the courage to break away from them, from the past, and choose a future that has a future. But I have no children to fight for, I did this all on my own. And for what?

Her internal argument was cut short when one of the guards appeared in front of her dim cell.

"Arismendi, you’ve got a visit."

A visit? From who?

Isis.

Isis sat on the sand, at the beach, fingering the semi-wet grains and thinking about Aisha.

From a young age I knew I was in a dysfunctional family. I didn’t know that word of course, but I was trying to fix everyone around me with hugs, love and kindness. I was what my dad would call, "a golden child." I think that’s great, I’m glad he’s proud, but it came at a huge cost to myself. I grew into a person who saw her role in life as fixing others, which would be perfect if I’d also learned to look after myself, to have boundaries when others took too much. All any bully would need to do to gain my help was to act weak, even if in reality they were far stronger than I, and I would give them all the help I could at my own expense. Real function, I was to learn, is all about the right balance between "I" and "we." Function isn’t all taking or all giving, but a flexible and relationship of helping one another. It isn’t "I give one, then you do," it isn’t "quid pro quo," there are times one person does far more of the giving because the other person is in no position to give back. And part of all that, all that learning of function, was to learn how I felt when I wasn’t strong, to tune in to emotions and sensations I had learned to ignore since childhood. I had to learn my inner world had needs to, to listen, to respond, to protect. This learning has given me a better chance to give a functional life to my kids and I don’t want to fail at that, in any way. I want someone to say that I did a much better job than I would have otherwise. So I guess victory needs measurement against where you started. Comparisons to those who started with a more functional family and comfort are hard because their brains were never developmentally damaged as yours was. They never had to heal as you did. It’s as if you were both born with healthy legs but you had yours repeatedly broken over the years - then at eighteen you were forced into a running race to determine your future. When you fall short the judgements as to your worth begin and the access to housing and food and such is determined also.

"I need to begin with where it all started. Aisha."