Between Love and Hate

A Thing

*Violet's POV*

When I get home from class, I find Stella lounging on her bed. She sits up and says, “So, did you have a good time last night?” While wiggling her eyebrows. 

I drop my bag on the ground and then sit on my bed facing her and say, “We didn’t do anything last night.”

“Seriously? You had a man that looks like that in your bed and you just slept?”

“I said nothing happened last night. You didn’t ask about this morning,” with a small smile.

She laughs and says, “Come on Vi, semantics! So, spill! What happened?”

I feel my cheeks flush. I’m really not used to discussing these kinds of things. Stella makes me feel more comfortable talking about it though. I think it’s because she is so...sexually liberated. “Nothing too, you know, over the top. Just hand stuff.”

“Ugh, I bet he’s great with his fingers.”

I nod and say, “The dance floor last weekend was my first orgasm.”

“Like, your first one with him?”

“No. My first one, like, ever,” I say sheepishly.

“What?! No way! You’re telling me you stayed with a guy for 4 years who had never given you an orgasm?! And also, furthermore, you never just did it yourself?!”

“I didn’t know what I was missing out on! And I didn’t know how to do it myself. Besides I thought people in relationships don’t, well, touch themselves” I wince as I say the last part.

“Jesus, Vi. Well thank God Kane came along. A life without orgasms is not a life worth living.”

“That’s a bit dramatic,” I reply with a chuckle. Although, now that I’ve experienced it, I can kind of see why she might think that way.

“No, it’s not. Anyway, I’m just glad you’ve finally been enlightened. So, when are you gonna see him again?”

“I have no idea. I don’t even know what we’re doing. I’m not convinced I know how to do this strange secret...thing we have going on. I don’t even really know if it is a thing.”

“Oh, it’s definitely a thing. He picked you up Saturday, spent the night with you, left, called to check up on you and then brought us dinner, watched chick flicks with us and then stayed here again and THEN walked you to class. I have literally never had a guy do that much for me over the span of an entire relationship.”

“Alright, alright! I get it. You win, it’s a thing. A very strange, complicated, borderline ethically questionable thing.” I wince again.

“Don’t think too much about it, okay? Now, I know it’s not your thing, but just try to go with the flow.”

I smile and say, “Yeah, you’re right. It turns out my learning curve for ‘going with the flow’ has been very steep these last couple weeks, thanks to you.”

She does a dramatic hair flip and says, “All in a day's work. So are you gonna tell your parents about Jace?”

“Yeah, I mean no, well sort of. Obviously I’m going to tell them we broke up but I don’t want to tell them about the whole cheating thing. I mean, he messed up, but like he’s still important to me and I don’t want people thinking less of him.”

“Wow, you are a much nicer person than me,” she says jokingly.

“Well, I mean I also did stuff with Kane while him and I were still together so technically, I cheated too.”

“Alright, having s*x five times and then pretending to lose your v-card with your girlfriend of 4 years is not the same as getting fingered at a club.”

“I know that, but still, I would rather just not mention it at all. I’ll just tell them we had irreconcilable differences or something.”

She laughs and says, “It’s not divorce court Vi. Although it is good to see you practicing your legal lingo already.”

“Whatever,” I laugh and roll my eyes. 

We head to dinner and then I put my headphones in and spend some time looking up the work that I missed in my morning classes. It turns out, it wasn’t a whole lot but somehow, a couple hours later I find myself meticulously planning out my entire life schedule for the whole semester. I’ve got my notebooks tabbed and a day planner covered in colour coded sticky notes; legend included. 

Suddenly, one of my earphones is being yanked out and Stella says, “Hey, whatcha doin' there?”

“Oh, just doing some planning.”

“I see that. Um, Vi, do you think maybe you’re going a little overboard with this whole thing?” I look around at the desk and say, “No, I just wanna be ready for the rest of the semester.”

“Vi,” she says softly.

I sigh and say, “Alright, I may have gone a little overboard.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“About what? My planner?”

“No. About why you just spent two and half hours trying to schedule out the next 4 months of your life.”

“Not really, no.”

“Okay, well if you won’t talk to me, at least make sure you bring up whatever it is with your therapist yeah?”

I just nod. She’s right. Planning and organizing is something I do when I’m anxious or stressed and right now, I have a lot to be anxious and stressed about.

“Alright, how about you take a break from that for tonight?”

The next morning, Stella and I actually make it to our classes and by the time my last one rolls around, I’m ready to go for a run. Tuesday is my heaviest day and sitting in class for that many hours in a row has exhausted my brain while somehow making my body buzz with pent up energy. 

Walking out of the lecture hall, I’m not paying a lot of attention to my surroundings, and am focused solely on getting back to my room, changing and heading out. That is until I walk out the doors and my gaze somehow instantly finds Kane leaning up against a tree outside my building with a cigarette in his mouth.

I walk over to him and say, “Do you have class in this building or something?”

“No, I went to your room first and Stella told me where I could find you.”

“Oh.” I reply lamely. I don’t know what exactly I'm supposed to say to that. 

“Yeah, look Violet, I wanted to apologize for yesterday, you know, when I snapped at you about my father. He’s just a bit of a touchy subject for me. I shouldn’t have reacted that way.”

“It’s fine Kane,” I say, and take a step closer to him. I begin to reach my hand up to comfort him but quickly drop it when I remember we’re in public. I’m not sure what exactly our boundaries are yet. 

He nods once and says, “Right, well my car is at your building so how about I walk you home?”

I agree and we begin walking together. 

“So, any plans for the evening?” He asks me.

“Uh, well my classes have me feeling a bit restless, so I was going to go for a run. Unless that is, you’re going to teach me to fight instead,” I say, half joking, half serious.

“Violet,” he warns.

“What? You said we would discuss it later. I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“I just don't want you getting hurt,” he says, running a hand through his hair.

“I wouldn’t get hurt. Not if you’re teaching me. It’s not like I’m going to fight someone for real. Besides, the bags don’t punch back last time I checked. And I would be more safe if I learned,” I say. He huffs and I know I’ve got him with that last point.

“Fine, Violet. I’ll teach you how.”

I smile widely and say, “Thank you.”

We get back to my room and I change and tell Stella where I’m going. 

“Okay, I have a date tonight with the guy from Saturday so I won’t be back tonight anyway.”

I wiggle my eyebrows and say, “Oooh, have fun!”

I get in Kane’s porsche and then we head to the frat house and drop it off and start walking to his civic.