Between Love and Hate

Firsts

*Violet's POV*

When Lucas comes over and interrupts us, I can’t help but feel annoyed. I’m pretty sure I just experienced my first ever orgasm. In the middle of a crowded nightclub. On Kane’s fingers. My head is buzzing enough from the alcohol and the adrenaline that I can’t even bring myself to care how wrong the whole thing was. 

When we reach the rest of the group and Cara attaches herself to Kane I can’t help the knot that forms in my stomach and the only buzz that’s left is the one from the liquor. Lucas grabs onto my hips and starts dancing with me so I sway with him to the music, and when I look over at Kane I see that he’s not even dancing, just standing there letting her dance on him and his attention is fully on me.

I meet his eyes as I dance with Lucas and the intensity of his gaze sends a shiver down my spine. Some guy walks in between us, breaking our eye contact and I see that it’s the guy Lucas was dancing with earlier. 

“Vi, this is Mark! Mark this is Violet!”

“Hi it’s nice to meet you! I’ll give Lucas back,” I yell and start to pull away and then Mark says, “No, no, stay!” and then moves in behind me. This is my first time dancing with two guys; granted they’re gay but whatever. A lot of firsts for me tonight apparently. 

I glance over at Kane and I’m hoping he can tell that Mark is also gay. The fact that he’s got his arms wrapped around both of us so that his hands are on Lucas’ butt should be a pretty clear signal. I search his eyes for any signs of anger and I don’t find any so he must have gotten the memo. Not that it matters if he’s angry...

I turn my focus back to Lucas and attempt to just let myself move to the music and try and enjoy myself. I don’t know how much time passes like that, but I feel my legs actually starting to get a bit tired so it must be a while.

“Do you guys wanna take a break and grab some drinks?” I say loudly. They both nod and release their hold on me. I look to Kane and make a gesture to tell him I’m just grabbing a drink. They each take one of my hands so we form a chain to move our way through the crowd. 

We get to the bar, I say, “What do you guys want? I’m buying.”

“Whatever you’re having,” Lucas says and Mark nods. I go up to the bar and order 3 whiskey sours, which might be my new favourite drink. I pay the bartender and we all head over to a stand up table at one of the edges far enough away from the speakers that we can actually hear each other. 

“Did you see how hard Cara was trying to get in Kane’s pants?” Lucas asks with an eye roll.

I laugh and say, “Yeah, super hard,”

“And he was not having any of it,” Lucas laughs.

“Which one is Kane again?” Mark asks.

“The tall jacked one with all the tattoos,” Lucas explains.

“Oh, the one that was watching you. Are you two like a thing or something?” My cheeks flush and I’m thankful it’s dark enough they probably can’t tell. So Mark noticed him looking at me.

I snort and try to play it off as casually as possible, “No, he’s my step-brother. My mom told him to watch out for me tonight so, yeah.” It sounds lame even to my ears but I’m hoping they’ve had enough to drink that they don’t notice.

“Oh, okay, that makes sense,” Mark replies. I’m trying to think of something to say to break the silence but suddenly Lucas yells, “Oh Mark! Can you take a picture of me and Violet please?!” 

He takes out his phone and hands it to Mark. We pose for a couple pictures in front of the windows but I’m not even sure we’ll be able to make anything out because of how dark it is. He says he’ll just filter them tomorrow and brighten them up so he can post them. 

When we finish our drinks, we head back to the dance floor and continue for several more songs until the club begins to thin out. Lucas tells me that he’s leaving with Mark and I go back and join the rest of the group. When he sees me walking over, Kane pushes Cara off of him and then leans down to my ear and says, “Where is Lucas?”

“He left with Mark. We should probably get going soon too. We do have to drive tomorrow,” I say in his ear. He nods and then says, “Let’s go.”

Cara grabs his hand and yells, “Where are you going?” 

“Home,” he replies. She starts to gather everyone up and they all follow us out of the club. I pass by coat check to grab my jacket and then we head down to the lobby and Cara calls her driver. 

We stop at our house first and I start getting out, followed by Kane and Cara says, “Wait, you’re not going to come to my place? I thought we were just going to drop her off and then keep the party going,” she says in a voice that I’m sure is supposed to be sultry but comes out more whiny. 

“No, I told you I’m going home. Goodbye,” He says and slams the door in her face. 

I swallow down the giggle that threatens to escape. I don’t want to be rude or anything but that was kind of funny. As we’re walking to the house, I look at him and say, “She was trying so hard all night. I almost feel bad for her.”

“I don’t,” he says back, giving me another one of his intense gazes.

“I said almost,” I reply back with a smirk. I see the corners of his mouth turn up a little bit.

“You know I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen you smile,” I blurt out before I can stop myself. 

“I don’t have a reason to,” he replies, very seriously. There’s so much hidden meaning behind those words but I am not sober enough to decipher them right now. 

“Sorry,” I say quietly and then unlock the door and head inside, trying to be quiet and not wake Harper and my mom. Kane takes off his shoes and carries them, and I do the same and follow him up the stairs. When we reach our rooms, he opens his door, walks in and closes it faster than I can get a word out. 

I don’t know what exactly I was expecting from him, but that certainly wasn’t it. I don’t know why that feels like such a punch to the gut. I shouldn’t be expecting anything from him at all.

I go into my room, close the door and change out of my clothes and into pajamas before grabbing my toiletries and heading for the bathroom. The illogical part of my brain is hoping he’ll be in there like last night but the logical part hopes he isn’t. This cannot continue. Jace is stable and good for me and Kane is the complete opposite; even if we weren’t step-siblings, he’s not good for me.

When I open the door and find it empty, I can’t stop the pang of longing that fills me. I brush my teeth and wash off all my makeup and then head to bed. As I lie there, staring at the ceiling, I force myself to think about all the mean things he used to say and do to me. I need to make myself remember that I hate him.