Hidden In These Walls

4- Mixed Feelings and Unanswered Questions [Part 1]

//Hunter//

Why is he taking so long to come back? It’s been half an hour already!

Well, I should stop thinking like that. I mean he has a life and he won’t just sit there and talk to me all day, I’m just being selfish here. But, oh boy; how I love talking to him! I can tell just from those little chats how innocent he is, just like I call him; an angel.

I wish I can hear his voice once more. I could never get enough of his voice; it’s still ringing in my head. This deep and husky voice that sent chills down my spine and tingles all over my body. Even though it killed me to hear him crying, I can’t deny that his voice was the best voice I ever heard. I believe that I’m kind of stupid cause I only heard his voice for just five seconds; but then when I think of how those five seconds affected me, I couldn’t care less.

I love how he never asks me questions; he just leaves me to ask him. This shows that he is a shy boy but I know how deep down shy boys are, hmm wild maybe? Wow! I amaze myself and how I can make myself chuckle while sitting all alone in my room.

Anyways, back to the real problem here. Well, it’s not really a problem but I just have this weird feeling inside of me telling me that Jason is in trouble and I can’t just sit here knowing nothing!

I am now pacing back and forth in my room, my phone in my hands; just waiting for a single reply. A simple “Back” would be fine with me! Maybe he just forgot about me and went out with his friends? Or maybe he thought that I’m not worth his time. Well, off course an angel like him wouldn’t wanna waste his time with me.

I’ve sent him three messages already though, so now he would think I’m so desperate. Great! Well, he can think whatever he wants to think. I can’t shut down my feelings and just forget…No.

“Hunter! Dinner is ready sunshine!” Mom screamed from the kitchen downstairs.

“Coming mom!”

Maybe if I have some dinner with my family, it would take my mind off of him a little. So, I placed my phone on my bed and strutted downstairs. I saw my mom placing the food on the dinner table, her back towards me; so I jumped behind her and hugged her from behind. She shrieked and slapped my hand which was around her shoulder jokingly.

“Hunter! You scared the living hell out of me sunshine!” She said.

I kissed her cheek and said, “You know I love you mom. What’s for dinner?”

“Chicken caesural. Your favorite!” She cheered. 

I kissed her cheek again and sat down before anybody else. Chicken, oh how I love chicken!  

“No! I said give me my poster back! It’s mine! Mom! Haley took my poster again! Make her give it back to me please!” Sofia came in while screaming and running behind Haley who found it funny to tease our little sister. After running two laps around the dinner table, I stopped Sofia when she neared me and placed her on my lap. 

“Huntie! Let me go, I want my poster!” She cried.

I rolled my eyes. What’s with girls and posters? And for God’s sake Sofia is just ten years old, she shouldn’t have posters of guys! Where are her little barbies and dolls? Are they so last year now?

I kissed her forehead and said, “I’ll buy you a new one tomorrow. What do you say?”

Her eyes directly widened with an excited glint in her eyes. “Really?!”

“Yes really, we can go tomorrow after school and buy you a magazine.” I replied.

She instantly hugged me so tightly and cheered, “Yay! I love you Huntie! You’re the best brother ever!”

“So I’ve been told.” I smirked.

“What about me? Don’t I get one too?” Haley asked.

“Nu-uh. You are the reason we are getting one in the first place, so you don’t get one.” I answered.

After that, Dad and Diana entered the kitchen and we sat around the table and had this delicious dinner; all while Haley was busy pouting to show me that she is sad. Well, maybe I’ll surprise her and get her one too. I just hate seeing my sisters sad.

After helping mom with cleaning the table, I excused myself and climbed back upstairs to my room. As soon as I entered, I remembered Jason. I have to admit my sisters really made me lose thoughts about him completely. I wonder if he ever replied.

I walked to my bed and laid down, taking the phone to see if I had any messages; and I did.

I quickly sat up straight and unlocked my screen to see it was Jason indeed. I opened the message excitedly and I wished I never did.

It said:

-I was busy getting beaten up.

Beaten up…

Who would have the heart to beat up such a beautiful soul? How? But why? What?...

I am at a loss for words. My angel...Is he alright?

I wanted to text him back but every time I try to type, my fingers start to shake and I couldn’t even make up some words. Those words that he sent made me feel so- so weak. I don’t even know why. Is it because I can’t be there with him and comfort him? Or because I remembered my old self when I was a punching bag for my dear Liam?

Back then, I didn’t have anyone to comfort me when Liam hit me. He would leave me all alone, crying and desperate for some help. He would leave me wondering what I ever did wrong for him to beat me up, and at the end of the day, no one would ever know what happened. I would just enter my front door and run upstairs to my room to avoid my parents and sisters. Off course, they shouldn’t know anything because I can’t imagine what their reactions would be.

So, after my terrible experience, I know for a fact that if Jason didn’t have anyone with him, he won’t be fine at all. Now, if I asked him if he’s alright and he assured me that he is, I’m sure he would be lying. I just know.

I took a long deep breathe and started to type my reply. Jason needs someone right now and it’s going to be me.

-My angel. Are you alright? I don’t know what to say. Just please tell me truthfully how are you feeling? Who did it? 

Well, I rambled as a reply…

Right now, I totally regret accusing him of ignoring me or forgetting about me. I’m the most selfish bastard on earth! 

I wish I’m in Holmes Chapel, Cheshire right now. If I was there, I wouldn’t stop on hugging him so close to me, to make him feel loved and secured. I would help him clean his wounds and cuddle with him all night if he asks me to. I would shower him with warm assuring kisses if I had to. I would never leave his side, but only if I was there.

However, the most important thing I would do there is beat the f****d up person who dared to lay a finger on my angel. I was angry; no furious at whoever did it! All what I can think about right now is that he doesn’t deserve this and he would never deserve such a thing.

I grabbed the nearest thing to me; which was a pillow, and threw it across the room. It hit the opposite wall with a loud thud but I don’t even care about it right now. Why am I feeling like that? How, just how can a freaking simple voice affect me so much?

I ran my fingers through my black hair, frustrated. Why isn’t he answering? Doesn’t he know that worry is eating me up over here?! 

Argh! Who will answer all of my questions? 

//Jason//

I never regretted anything in my life the way I regret sending this last message.

Why did I tell her that I was getting beaten up? Wasn’t I thinking? Who am I kidding? Off course I wasn’t thinking! I never think!

Now, she would think that I’m a weak boy who can’t defend himself. She would think that such a wimp is not worth her time. I mean why would she want to talk to me? I deserve the beating I get because I think that me not remembering what happened the night my brother died is because I was involved in it. I think that the memory of that night is erased from my mind because I want it to vanish. As stupid as it might sound, I can’t help but lay these options in front of me. So, maybe dad is right. Maybe I did kill Mason.

Maybe I am a cold-blooded killer.

Just then, I felt my phone slip out of my hands to the floor next to me. I was shaking uncontrollably; I couldn’t even hold a freaking phone. My shaky hands clutched my brown curls so tightly, I’m sure my knuckles turned whiter than a ghost. 

But, I am wrong right? I couldn’t have killed him because if a person kills someone, they would never be able to forget how it happened. They would feel so guilty, and I don’t. So it can’t be true.

For how much longer would I be able to handle this? Will I live like that forever? 

I always sit and think about my future. No one will ever love me if they knew that I’m damned. No one will ever want to be with me knowing that I’m an abomination, to my family, to my hometown, to everyone in this world. So, I will always be lonely and hated by everyone around me. I will rot in here, hiding in these walls; the walls that make up my room. But, is my room really safe? 

I don’t have an answer for that.

I just want to be free. I want to live a normal happy teenage life, where I open my eyes in the morning, knowing that I have my best friends waiting for me in school to start a new day together. A life where I go down to have breakfast with dad and mom and Emma every morning, just because I can and then at the end of the day, we would sit around the dinner table sharing the events that happened to every one of us during the day.

“AH!” I suddenly yelled at the top of my lungs. It’s like a bomb was buried deep down in the ground and finally blew up. I just, I just needed to let everything out. 

I quickly stood up and started to throw everything near me across the room, just to ease this pain and anger inside of me. I could hear the sound of glass chattering indicating that I broke something but I didn’t care. How can I care?

How?

I then collapsed on my knees again to the hard welcoming floor.

“How?! How, just how can I care?!! Ahh Why don’t you just let me know what I f*****g did to you all?!! I was the perfect child anyone could ask for! I still am! Why don’t you leave me alone?! Why? Why? WHY?!” I was at the point where I just screamed random words at nothing in particular. Or maybe it’s the fact that I knew they could hear me downstairs, so I just shouted my unanswered questions. I was sobbing and crying my eyes out, but I don’t know if there were any tears left to poor down my face…

I know that I won’t see tomorrow though because I can hear my father’s footsteps climbing up the stairs towards my room. Will I get another round of beating now? I’m positive I will because this time I walked past my limits. In one way or another, I screamed at my dad. Let’s face the hurtful truth, the words I said were unconditionally aimed towards him and I can’t deny that.

I closed my eyes, preparing myself for what’s about to come. 

Nothing can save me now...