Someone I'm Not

28| Measuring patience

"No, no, no. You cannot be in here!" Phoenix reacts with stupefaction as he tries to pull his friends away from Houdini, Vianne, and Soroya to discuss the matter at hand as friends.

"If you're going to attempt ling to us, bro, I tell you, I will smack you right across that pretty face of yours, got me?" Bret forewarns his friend as he clenches his fist secretly, not wanting to exaggerate and make things worse.

"Yeah, I'm with Bret, my man. If you still try to hide what the f**k is going on here that we don't know, things might end unfavorably for you." Nico sides with Bret as he crosses his hands across his chest. That made Phoenix fold both hands and wrap them on both sides of his hips. He then looks to where the three were standing before looking back to his friends for a few seconds before dropping his gaze on his shoes.

"Houdini was just trying to talk with Karen-"

"We both know that's bullshit, right?" Bret instantly interrupts when he senses that Phoenix is still hiding something. "I mean, we clearly saw how Karen reacted back there- She's freaked out, bro! Do you really think I would believe that!?" Bret was keeping his tone as low as possible without sacrificing the clarity of his words. His words were bold, strong, demanding, and mad.

"How about we take this somewhere else? Why don't we go home? I'll explain everything there when I'm certain my words are safe?"

"No, I think I already had enough of waiting whether or not you're going to tell us your biggest secret with these people that we are obviously unacquainted with yet!" Bret was starting to lose control, and Nico came up with the only solution he thought of doing. Wanting to give Phoenix a chance to explain, he decided to grab Bret by both of his shoulders and give it a squeeze. Not lightly, but it was enough for Bret to understand that he agrees with Phoenix.

"Yeah, Bret. How about we go home first, and we'll sort it out when there's only the three of us, hmm?" then, to make the situation neutral for Nico's judgment, he turns to Phoenix. "And I'm hoping you won't even make any more excuses when we're home. Prove me right for helping you organize your thoughts before telling us the whole truth."

Nico and Bret decided to walk away first, leaving Phoenix to take deep breaths. When Soroya noticed his solitude, she snuck away from Vianne and Houdini while they were in the middle of a deep conversation.

"Are you okay?" Soroya asked but quickly hit herself in the head with her clenched fist. "Sorry, I know it was a stupid question," she admitted, indicating her being keen on one's feelings.

"I frankly don't know what to tell them, Raya." Phoenix tremblingly chuckles while he plays with his fingers- he's nervous. "I mean, I wanted to do the right thing by disclosing them the truth. I wanted to be transparent because they're my friends." he sighs.

"Then tell them the absolute verity. Tell them the unchangeable story, the story that you've seen and experienced-"

"Like, tell them that you had a dream about me dying? And then later, we singly had a conversation, and you suddenly revealed to me that it wasn't a dream because it happened?"

"Why, is there another truth to the story?"

"and what about Houdini? Eduardus? The green hoodie, Philip getting involved, Karen freaking out, mister Lucas with your sister? How would I explain that to all of them when it was clear that I don't know the whole story?"

It was never a lie that Phoenix knew something, but it is also true that he only knew a few of it. And Soroya, seeing how Phoenix crumbles make her feel bad for it. "And what about what I told you earlier? You don't believe any of those?"

"Soroya. . ." Phoenix grabs both of Soroya's hands and gives them a squeeze. "You're my friend, okay? And I want to believe you. . . I want to acknowledge our friendship by trusting you, but. . ." Phoenix pauses again and looks away for a second to taste his own bittersweet words. And when ready, he locks his gaze to her once again. "But I also want to acknowledge what's between us by telling you this- it is impossible."

Soroya couldn't make a concrete sentence in her mind upon hearing what Phoenix had to say. It was no wonderment that telling someone about a situation that mortality couldn't grasp is highly unacceptable. But, what made it painful and unfit for Soroya was to have expected that she might get a different reaction. Was it because they've known each other ever since they were kids? Was friendship already a basis to bank one's trust towards the other? Or was it because of the lofty expectation and hope that one is already enough of a warranty that someone truly trusts you? Or maybe, she just thought that the world of fantasy that she's currently dealing with would make everyone else comprehend the world unparalleled to the cruel society one woke up in?

"I mean, I don't mean to hurt you, but come on. Guardians? Possessing someone else's body? Because if you ask me, it sounded like you're trying to mess with me-"

"Phoenix-"

"I don't want to lose my friends, alright? They're the only ones I rely on when I miss home, I long for my family. . . when your absence makes me want to see you in an instant, but I know I can't. because moving here for college has never been easy." Phoenix pauses and sighs once again. And even with teary eyes, he decided to keep his gaze focused on her eyes.

"So please, tell me now. . . Assure me that I am okay, that I am not subjugated by these mixed emotions, that everything is real. Because if not, I might lose my mind for not knowing what to believe anymore."

--

After Phoenix finally gave in to breaking down after a series of emotions collided with one another, he decided to collect his thoughts and set his goal straight- he's going to tell Bret and Nico everything, even if it costs their trust.

Going home at that moment probably was the most extended travel Phoenix must've felt because this day was never the same as the last times. Today, what words will come out of his mouth will determine if his friendship will remain strong or will it miserably fall apart.

When he reached his destination, Phoenix hadn't wholly sacked the doubt in his mind, but he knew that his heart was decided. And with Soroya's words in mind, he decided to take a deep breath and release the remaining distrust in his system.

'You know what's the most painful realization I had today with myself?' Soroya asks as she frees both of her hands from Phoenix's hold. 'It's the thought that maybe, I believed too much in our bond.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't blaming our friendship; I was blaming myself. To think that maybe, this relationship would cross no boundaries, even if it sounded so surreal and nostalgic. Perhaps I have forgotten the natural world and got puzzled after getting stuck in the middle of reality and fiction. . . At least, that's what I thought first. But because of you, I had hope. I believed that even the most grandiloquent pursuit of miracle can happen if we only let ourselves consider.'

Soroya pauses as she wipes Phoenix's tears with her thumb. ' And now, I think it's your time to realize that with your college friends. Go, and tell them what you have witnessed and see who will stay. Because good friends will never judge you for what you believe in but instead help you look and think from a different perspective. And a best friend will surely never leave just because you said the weirdest thing they could ever listen to in their whole life.'

'B-but, I judged you. I didn't quickly believe everything you said to me a while back. won't you end our friendship?' After hearing what Soroya had to say, Phoenix asks, but his best friend gently laughs before giving her a response.

'if you aren't my best friend, why are you still here, listening to me, right?'

Phoenix unlocks the front door and swings it open. He lets himself inside, and when he's in the living room, Nico and Bret are already silently seated across from the other man.

"Now, can we start with the storytelling now?" Bret asks, making Nico and the other guy look in Phoenix's direction. He was a bit surprised himself that he had almost forgotten about Philip. But, he was curious, 'Where is Eduardus?'

"Now. Who among you wanted to go first?"

•••

[Three days left before endgame]

"Can you rewind it once more? I must have missed something." Eduardus requested for the nth time, and even how pissed off the salesman was, he decided to play it back just to end the misery to deal with the both of them.

"The salesman already told us and even showed that clip to us countless times. And in those repeated scenes, the man never returned here after his encounter with your client. So, either that guy just happened to pay this store a visit coincidentally, or he's one of the recruited evil for us to think that he's somewhat involved."

"So, what are you trying to say? All of the time spent here is just a waste of time?"

"Yes." Houdini was already sure of what he was going to say, and now, he knew that its time to open up about what he was feeling about Eduardus's choices. "Hey, mister? Can you leave us here for a moment?" he asks the store owner, and the old man immediately agrees and leaves them in the CCTV monitoring room. And, suspecting that the owner is listening in, Houdini uses his skills to prevent him from hearing what they were about to discuss. "Just what do you think you're doing, Eduardus?"

Confused with the question thrown at him, he pauses the current clip he's reviewing and looks over Houdini. "Obviously, I am inspecting these tapes from the day they came here and maybe, beyond those times."

"You know that's not what I'm talking about, Guardian Ed." Houdini raises one hand to his eye level and unhurriedly moves it to admire the structure of his hands. "You still haven't told your client about the consequence of letting him spend too much time with his past self, right?"

"How would I know? I haven't encountered this kind of situation before. Phoenix- he's probably the most stubborn client I ever had."

"But you're aware of the rules. It was already encrypted in the book!"

"I know, I know." Eduardus finally leaves the buttons he's been pressing when they set foot in the CCTV monitoring room. Houdini watches silently how Eduardus sigh while walking over to Houdini. "The truth is. . ." he pauses, and when he's already standing right in front of Houdini from a great distance, he decides to drop the bombshell. "I'm seeing scenarios that I wasn't familiar with."

Houdini gulps from his admission. He doesn't know if it was right to throw a question at that instance or wait for Eduardus to complete what he has o say. Because either way, he'll soon figure out what secret Eduardus has been hiding.

"It's a bit surprising that you're not reacting. You're the most curious immortal I have ever known for all I know. Have you changed?" Eduardus tries to pull a joke, but Houdini keeps his straight face.

"I- I am always curious." Houdini pauses as he tries to collect words to form a reasonable sentence to keep the conversation going. "But, I just don't know what and how to respond from that because. . ."

"Because it sounded new?"

"No."

"Then, what is it?"

Houdini once again stops and looks down into his boots. The memory of him overlooking the same position when he's still a guardian as Eduardus.

"I don't. . ." he looks up. "All I can say is that, no matter what's happening to those visions, DO NOT let them affect you." Houdini couldn't hold it back any longer, and now, he already knew that Eduardus would not stop asking questions.

"What do you- wait. Did you just indirectly tell me that you've already encountered this? This situation I am currently in right now-"

"Why don't you just go back to rewinding those clips, hmm?" Houdini suggests as he walks past Eduardus as he's headed to the door.

"Now you're dodging the bullet-" Eduarus tries to trigger Houdini, but he is quickly cut off because Houdini knows what Eduardus is trying to do. Houdini stops in his tracks and halts his hand from reaching the doorknob. He decided to turn to his right shoulder while looking down.

"Just. . . Just don't let those visions get into you, okay?"

"And what happens if these notions get into me?"

"Then, you might want to ready yourself with pain." without waiting for Eduardus's response, Houdini decided to turn the knob and push himself out of the room. He closed the door right after he got out and leaned on it. With closed eyes, he realized that the shop owner didn't eavesdrop and noticed that the memory he just had started to kick back in.

"If only you died long ago, we would not have been suffering this much!"

"You're useless that I could only wish nothing but your death!"

"Die! Just die, you little bastard! Die already! NOBODY WANTS YOU ANYMORE!"

And all he could do was sigh from the noises from the history.