The Alphas Daughter

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After my breakdown I feel exhausted, mentally, emotionally and physically. James guides me to the sofa and gets me a blanket from the cupboard in my bedroom. When I look behind I can see him slowly taking mine and Elliott’s clothes from the suitcase and places them back in the draws. He looks sad as he’s doing it. It probably hurt him to think I can just get up and leave again, without a word… if only he knew.

I knew my fathers wake would be in full swing right now, and I know that people will talk about me not being there and the situation between me and Mark in the grave yard. Not many people would get away with talking to the Alpha like that but the thought of facing everyone including Mark and Beth was just too much, and the look on Beths face is engrained on my mind. A sadness I’ve never seen before a pain that will never heal. All this time she’s been hurting and has never told me, I will never understand why.

I decided I’ll spend the afternoon on the sofa, and it soon dawns on me that James plans on doing just that too, as he takes his jacket off and puts it over the back of the sofa and then takes a seat at my feet. We sit in silence.

I rise from the sofa and go and flick on the kettle and start to make myself a coffee and that’s when I decided to get the vodka out instead, it’s probably older than Elliott as I rarely drink and I’m sure the bottles been there since I left, it was buried in the very back of the jar cupboard, you know the cupboard that you go to when there is literally nothing to eat in the whole house.

“Want one?” I ask James holding the bottle in the air as I get two glasses out

“You sure that’s a good idea at the moment?” He asks with raised eyebrows

“Yea, yes I do” I reply, as I unscrew the cap and pour myself a neat glass

“C’mon Ri, don’t be stupid. So you’re just going to bury all your emotions and feelings in the bottom of a vodka bottle?” James asks with a harsh tone to his voice

“Tonight, yeah I am” I say getting slightly angry, why is he acting like I’m a functioning alcoholic all of a sudden?

“And who’s going to look after Elliott when you’re steaming off your face?” And there it is, the real question behind his snotty questions, because he’s conceded for our son. My heart swells, but I’m still angry, I’m allowed a drink. Especially today!

“Zac is more than capable of looking after my son” I say with a pissed off twang to my tone

“So he’s just your unpaid babysitter now. You can’t just expect him to care for our son Riley, that not how parenting works”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realised you had won parent of the year” I snort

“Not my choice though Ri, remember that” he calmly replies holding his hands beside his head

Shit, he’s right! He’s been right a lot recently!

I neck the vodka and James has a cold looks of dissatisfaction on his face, you could almost say he looked disappointed.

“f**k this, I’m going back to my apartment and I’ll ask Zac to drop Elliott at mine” he states

He gets his phone out to start texting Zac and I try to snatch his phone, but clearly the vodka I’ve just downed has reached my system quicker than I expected and I grab at air rather than his phone

“Don’t!” I shout

“Don’t what? Don’t ask that my son doesn’t see his mother in a drunken heap on the bathroom floor when he gets home because she can’t cope with a situation that is exactly the same as the one she put everyone through?”

I stare him straight in the eye

“Fine, take him. But just for tonight” I say. Realising that again, he’s right. Elliott can’t see me like this, I feel utterly defeated. I feel like every emotion that I’ve managed to bury in a deep dark chest somewhere in my heart has been opened and every raw feeling has been let loose.

I know James is right, El can’t come home after spending the day having fun with Zac to me being drunk, or throwing up, he’s at an age where he would always remember that.

And that’s when my verbal vomit starts and the truth just runs out of my mouth, once I start I can’t stop

“I feel like I’m drowning, I feel like I’ve been treading water and I’m not sure how long I can carry on” I say to James, the vodka has obviously become liquid courage

“When I left I promised I wouldn’t come back, because I knew I would fall for you all over again as soon as I saw you, I imagined everyday since Els been born, you and Elliott together, us, doing family things together, laughing and being a happy family” I can feel tears come to my eyes and my throat go tight

“They say in a situation where you think you might die your life flashes before your eyes, but the moment I found out you was my mate, mine flashed before my eyes, and I loved what I saw, I saw us and our kids, I saw us happy and content and then my whole world flipped upside down because of three words “I reject you” and that was it, my life changed forever, and my heart broke and I’m not sure if it will ever be the same” I say

James doesn’t say anything he just hugs me

“Riley, I’m sorry”

“I know, I know you really mean it James. I’m sorry too. For being a drunk asshole” I sob

“I’ll understand if you go home” James says in a sad tone “I know that Goddings became your home”

“That’s the thing James, home is where you and Elliott are” I say, I know that I can never take that statement back, but I mean it. Over the past few days my heart has knocked down every wall I built and James owns my whole heart.

He stares at me in shock

“What?” He asks

“I know I can’t fight this feeling anymore, it’s making me sad, pushing you away. Arguing all the time. I’ve lost my dad I can’t loose you too” I say

He hugs me as tight as he can and places a kiss on the top of my head

“I promise you Riley, I will never hurt you again, and I will spend the rest of our lives trying to prove it.

“I want to take things slow, it’s not just us we have to think of anymore” I say

“Yeah I agree, I think it will take time, how do you think Elliott will be?” James asks sounding worried

“Well he loves you” I reply

“And I love you” he says smiling down at me

I bury my head in his chest, and for the first time in years I feel like I’m home. I feel safe. I forgot how this felt.

Romy howles, it’s the first time in weeks I’ve heard her. She’s been hating me recently.

“Where you been girl?” I ask

“Waiting for this” she replies