Redeeming Heart

First step of forgiveness

Standing on the front porch of my father’s house pondering if it was worth forgiving him for all the misery he has caused.

I silently prayed that he was asleep before I unlocked the front door with my house keys and waved at Aunt Maggie before shutting it cautiously.

Delighted that all the lights were off. I kicked off my shoes and tiptoed through the house and up the stairs to my room. I let out a sigh of relief when I finally reached my room without waking anyone up.

I softly shut my door and lay down on my bed. The glow-in-the-dark stars from years ago were still there and shining—not as bright as when mom and I stick them on the ceiling but just bright enough to notice them.

I pushed myself to change my clothes and switched on my bedside light. Going over to the wardrobe and looking through my heaps of clothing for my pj’s when my door suddenly opened.

“Sasha?” I yelped softly at my father’s questioning voice.

“Holy-crackers, dad. Do you want to give me a heartache?” He smiled sheepishly at me and welcomed himself in.

“Sorry, I just wanted to check if you came home.” He said and he truly sounded relieved that I was home.

“I didn’t know if you wanted me home.”

“This is also your home, Sasha.”

“Is it? Because it doesn’t feel like it anymore.” I confessed, aware that the truth can hurt. “It feels like a jail, dad. The cold, empty walls used to be covered in portraits of mom. It feels…”

“Depressing.” He noted.

I nodded.

“You obviously know that mom was my first love and she absolutely meant the world to me. I wished every night for a miracle that she would be healed from her problems. From the moment I met her, I prayed because she truly deserved to live.”

“Losing her was hard, Sasha. I felt like an empty shell because the person who meant everything to me was gone and I didn’t how to move forward without her.”

“I was also hurting, dad. She was my best friend.” He nodded and embraced me with a hug when my tears came willingly.

“I forgot for a very long time that I wasn’t the only one suffering.” He admitted.

Pulling away from him to look him in the eyes. I saw his tears and something made me realize his heart was also ripped out from his chest when she passed away. He didn’t leave her side from the moment they met and it is the first time in years that he is alone.

“I didn’t want to talk about her because there is nothing, I can do to bring her back.” The tears were now flowing down his cheeks.

“When you didn’t come back home last night. I was reminded of that pain I felt when I lost her. I can’t lose you as well, Sasha. You are all I’ve got left of her.” 

“That’s the part I hate the most when people look at me and they see mom instead of me. I feel invisible.” He shook his head at me.

“You are an amazing human being. Beautiful, strong and your own weird person. You just have your mom’s spirit of chasing things and fighting for them on your own terms.”

“I’m sorry for the things I’ve done to you.” He apologized. “Forgetting about your feelings. Lecturing you when all I had to do was be there for you. I realize now this engagement with Meredith is too sudden and I will even place it on hold,” I shook my head.

“No,” I was even surprised with my outburst. “Mom never wanted you to be alone and there is a thirteen-year-old boy who loves you like you are his father. You will only break his heart and most importantly you will destroy Meredith because she truly cares for you.”

“You are my daughter and you come first.” For three years I have waited for him to say that.

“And it feels amazing to hear that but you can’t put your life on halt because of me. Just acknowledge my presence and treat me like a person. I know I’ve messed up terribly but I wanted you to see that I was hurting.”

He nodded. “I have finally opened my eyes and came to realize that I was wrong.”

He embraced me again with a hug. “I love you, kiddo. I have always and will forever.”

“Love you too, dad.” I sniffled wiping away a fallen tear.

“Hot chocolate?” I snickered softly when he remembered how hot chocolate fixed everything back in the day.

“It’s too hot for hot chocolate.” I pointed out.

He thought for a while and realized I was right. “Well, Meredith bought chocolate ice cream.”

I smiled. “Sounds like a plan.” I didn’t care if it was close to midnight but I was going to share a bowl of ice cream with my dad. It’s been too long since we spend any time together.

He even made sure we had wafer biscuits to dip into the ice cream. “Maggie told me that you are playing again.” He brought up while getting spoons.

I nodded. “Coach Peterson was putting a team together and I was on his list of recruiters. I, at first turned him down but then I craved to be part of something again that didn’t get me into trouble.”

“You won your first game today.” He noted, handing me a spoon.

“Yeah, it was quite incredible but overwhelming,” I admitted.

“I know I haven’t said this for a long time but I am proud of you. She always wanted you to chase down your dreams because your passion was even stronger than hers.”

“Do you love, Meredith?” I know I was moving away from the subject but I had to know. “Or do you love the idea of her?”

“Meredith is a completely different person when you compare her to mom but she makes me really happy. She fixed my broken heart and was patient with my heartache. She still is and I feel extremely disappointed with myself that I have to put her through all of this. She has her own problems to deal with.” His eyes focused on mine for a minute too long and I was starting to become nervous.

He stood up from the table and left the kitchen without saying a word. I was left dumbfounded and thought that maybe it was too much for him.

I carried on eating when he came back with a small box. His hands were literally shaking as he placed it down in front of me.

His eyes were glued to the box as if he was afraid it was going to vanish into thin air if he was going to release it. “She made me promise that I will give this to you.”

I, at first didn’t grasp what he was saying until he continued.

“Mom left you one last letter before she passed away. I never had the heart to give it to you and she told me that I should give it to you when you are ready.” He said releasing it and sitting down on the chair beside me.

I stared at the box with big, round eyes and I didn’t know how to react. I softly touched the light pink box and slowly pulled the string before lifting the lid. With a quivering smile, I lifted my eyes to meet my father’s eyes. “It smells like her.” She loved vanilla.

A gasp snuck out between my lips when my eyes landed on a framed picture of her and me when she became ill.

I also took notice of a butterfly necklace when I pulled out the framed picture. “How did she get this?” I asked with a teary smile, picking it up and holding it in the air. I saw this in a jewellery shop when she and I went shopping one day when everything was still good.

“She made me go buy it.” My father said through his own tears.

“She even made me look for a golden envelope because that’s just how she was.” I gazed back down and noticed a golden envelope with my name written on top in her handwriting when my father mentioned it.

I lowered the necklace and with shaky hands pulled the sealed envelope out.  

Was I ready to read the last words she wrote down? Was I ready for that reminder of overwhelming heartache that she was gone?

I lowered the envelope when I realized I wasn’t ready.

I wasn’t ready to lose her a second chance and have to say goodbye for good.