Secrets I've Held in My Heart

Chapter 21 : Christian / Ava

CHRISTIAN

Leaving the study room behind, I made my way down the corridor towards my room. Each step on the cold marble floor echoed with an eerie resonance, a stark contrast to the turmoil of thoughts swirling in my mind. Martha's words had taken root in my consciousness, haunting my every step.

As I approached my room, I couldn't escape the relentless replay of her words: Why don't you go to your room and see if the tears falling from her eyes are for you, her husband, or for my son, her lover.

The weight of those words bore down on me like a leaden shroud, casting doubt and suspicion upon the very foundation of our marriage. My heart raced, torn between the need for answers and the dread of what I might discover. It was a moment of reckoning, a choice between confronting the painful truth or allowing the specter of uncertainty to continue its relentless torment.

I love Ava, and I want to be selfish. I want to make her mine. Even if she loves someone else, even if her heart beats for another man, even if her tears are shed for someone who isn't me. However, the idea of her heart stopping and tears falling from her eyes is something I can't be selfish about. I would burn the world for her. Literally. I wouldn't even blink. However, that's not enough. Even if I burn the whole world for her, it won't stop the tears she'll shed for Jonas, and it obviously won't make her heart beat for me. What will I do with the ashes of the whole world if it can't bring happiness to her?

My mind was filled with random thoughts like the ones mentioned above. The whirlwind of thoughts was already tormenting me. But when I reached outside my room, my heart clenched, almost tormenting enough to rip it from my chest because there was Ava, inside, crying. Her soft sobs could be heard from outside, and the thought of failing to give her the happiness she deserved clenched every vital organ of my body.

Why don't you go to your room and see if the tears falling from her eyes are for you, her husband, or for my son, her lover.

With my hand firmly wrapped around the doorknob, Martha's words from our earlier conversation echoed hauntingly in my mind. Each syllable seemed to carve itself deeper into my consciousness, like an indelible mark etched into my soul. I couldn't shake the unsettling notion that perhaps, just perhaps, she shed those tears for Jonas.

The thought gnawed at me, an insistent doubt that refused to be ignored. I grappled with an overwhelming desire to shield her from any source of pain, especially if I happened to be the cause. The idea of being the reason behind her grief was an unbearable weight on my shoulders.

In that pivotal moment, I made a solemn vow to myself. If my presence in her life was indeed the source of her sorrow, then it was a burden I couldn't bear to see her carry. I loved her too deeply to be the catalyst of her tears. I would willingly release her from any ties that bound us, if it meant sparing her those heart-wrenching moments.

For Ava, I would do anything. I would let her go, despite the pain it would bring, if it meant preserving her happiness and keeping her tears at bay.

I'll do everything for you, Ava. Even if it means being a stupid asshole who'll let you go. My stupidity doesn't matter. Your happiness matters. My pain doesn't matter; your smile does. The failure of my unrequited love doesn't matter; the success of your love does.

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AVA

Yes, I'm shedding tears for Jonas. How couldn't I? My every heartbeat, each drop of tears, every breath belongs to him. I don't want it to be like this, but I also can't help it. It just belongs to him. I gave those rights to him when we were in a relationship. But still, now, even when we're not in a relationship anymore, I don't have any rights to my own heartbeat, tears, and breath. He has it all.

I'm such a bad wife and even a worse friend. I might not be cheating on Christian psychically, but I'm indeed cheating him emotionally. How can I be so selfish? Just for society, for a question like, "What will people think?" I'm being unfair to him by cheating him emotionally.

I tried, I swear I tried. I wish I could rip out my heart. In fact, if it was legal to transplant a healthy working heart, then I wouldn't even blink before transplanting it. Because no matter how hard I try, I can't control my heart, my pain, my emotions. I thought I did it. I had control over my emotions, my feelings, my love for Jonas. But no, I was wrong. It just took one word, his name, "Jonas," to break my patience, to break the cage of my heart where I've buried our old memories, to break the promise of being faithful to Christian that I made with myself, and most especially, TO BREAK ME.

In the dimly lit room, my tears fell like silent raindrops, each one a tiny vessel carrying the heavy weight of my sorrow. There I sat, nestled on the cold floor beside the bed, desperately trying to stifle my sobs. The room's walls seemed to close in around me, and I feared that if my cries were too loud, they would breach this fragile sanctuary. In the quietude of that moment, I grappled with the knot of pain coiled tightly within the recesses of my heart.

As my tears continued to fall, the door to my room inched open with an agonizing creak. My gaze snapped towards the entrance, and there, in the soft glow of the room's muted lighting, stood Christian. His presence, usually a source of comfort, now radiated an intense sadness that mirrored my own. It was as if he bore the weight of a monumental decision, a choice that loomed over him like a shadow threatening to eclipse his world.

To be continued...