Discovery

If Only (A Short Essay)

It’s what suffocates us, I think.

This idea and never-ending voice of belief that there is a road that we have predetermined we will walk down. Maybe one day ago, that was decided, but those decisions have simply changed. So now you sit, tired of your own indecision as you watch as people go by you, one right after the other, right after the other, all head held high so sure of their future trips and travels. And you sit anchored down, your feet caked with the thick cement of maybes and “I don’t know”s. There was never a day when you knew who you were or were supposed to be. Or why all so suddenly were you expected to or were ever told that one day you would find this truth.

It was never true and it was never you.

Any trial you make to free from the chains of yesterday pulls you back into the unmoving place and into a state of worry and wonder. You envy the passionate souls who only shrug at the stones thrown in their way and laugh off the tirades of nevermore and not one of these that are thrown in their faces. If only that were you.

If only you were the one that stood so proud with steps strong enough to quake the ground beneath and make the earth kneel to your will as you paved your way through your preordained path. If only you had a voice that commanded the oceans and pulled everything to you, bringing it all to your attention; to your will. If only that strength was your own. If only you knew who you were or who you were meant to be. If only the chains of worry would break away and you could stand and join those freely wandering souls on their journeys through life. You envy them. You envy their self-identified freedom. Their strengthened decisions and beliefs that scream, “This is who I am, this is all I am meant to be”.

If only that were you.

You praise all those bold souls who dare to grow up and chase down an unidentifiable want down a rickety path determined to swallow them whole until they discover the want and claim it with a name.

You wish you could take those same crickety steps with the fire they did, your embers being put out by chilling waters, and every day you remain trapped in the quicksand of your own mind. You wish that were you.

But still, there you remain, your feet trapped in the wasteland of wants and desires trampled and drowned by despair and darkness with only the thought remaining, as the days trudge along with the song-filled hearts of the daring soldiers.

If only that were you.