The Missing Tales

Chapter - II

September, 5th 1975

Dear diary, it has been a long time since I’ve written something to you, especially something as big as I’m about to write.

The reason I never did it was because I didn’t want to relieve that moment ever again. I didn’t have in me the courage to write about it even less share it with someone else. Or maybe I feel like I don’t have someone to share with anymore. The only person I felt like I could is not here anymore.

Since Noah passed way I feel like he took a piece of me with him. A piece I so desperately need right now. But today I feel like everything changed once I played my brother’s guitar. It’s crazy how an object can bring me so many cheerful moments about him. The time we spent together, the fun we had playing guitar, singing to each other, writing our songs.

He taught me all of those things, minus the singing part, that I was definably better than him by a mile. He was so wise and great at giving me advice. Which the majority of the time I never listen to, a huge mistake of mine.

But one managed to get by my thick skull.

He used to tell me I should always leave a little bit of me if not all into the songs I write. He was so poetic at times, I used to tease him for it. He told me that in a way leaving parts of yourself on the songs you write would help you become something new, something better at the end of every single one of them.

And I guess he was right.

I became something new when I sang a song a few hours ago. It gave me the courage and strength to write about something that has been driving me crazy for the past 2 years. And has been plaguing my sleep ever since.

And that something is the loss of someone that just like Noah was very important to me. A loss that in a way came from my hands, from my insecurities, from my lack of self-awareness and the worst of all it came from my toxic heart.

It angers me to acknowledge that all it took was her death for me to learn all these faulty things about me. Things she willingly tried so hard to fix and I was too dumb to not allow her to.

Even knowing it was too late I eventually learned what she wanted me. The meaning of real friendship. How to value me as a person. How to never settle for anything less than I deserve. And most importantly how to love without fear.

All of this I own to one person.

Her name was Amy Collins, and this is how she died.

It all happened at the beginning of my senior year in junior high school. A new girl was introduced by the teacher as our new classmate.

She looked so nervous for being the center of attention.

“H-Hi everyone, its pleasure to meet you my name is Amy. Amy Collins” even though she looked nervous her voice was so lovely so innocent and pure. It matched her personality and physical attributes so perfectly.

To this day I still remember Amy Collins like the back of my hand.

She was one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen. Even though she always wore long plain discreet dresses her beauty never seized to outshine whatever she was wearing. Amy was elegantly tall and her skin was lightly tanned. Her red hair was flawlessly shiny and wrapped in a high ponytail.

It looked amazing on her because it fitted beautifully around her diamond-shaped face. She had plump pink lips and her nose was slightly long with freckles across of its bridge right under those amazing hazel eyes.

I believe I was staring way too long at her because our eyes locked for a split second. My cheeks quickly got heated so immediately I adverted my eyes from her and looked around the classroom trying to mask my embarrassment.

Most of the guys in my class couldn’t take their eyes off her. Some of them were even drooling, it was kind of funny how their faces looked.

The girls held an entirely different gaze, at the time I thought they were just looking at ways of how to give her a makeover. Most of the girls in my class were fashion freaks. Always looking for the latest trends and weekly magazines.

But now I can confidently say their eyes held nothing but jealousy, insecurity, and hate. It was something I was never aware of while I was in Ankou Junior High. People were so close and simple-minded. They would never allow something that didn’t fit their little bubble to flourish and exist peacefully. And poor Amy would be one of those cases.

The teacher told Amy to sit down on the empty seat in the middle row, which ironically was close to mine.

While she was making her way to her desk I saw the necklace around her neck. It was a crucifix. I did not know at the time but Amy was an extremely devoted Christian.

Our eyes locked once again but this time longer than before. And again my cheeks got heated even harder this time. At the time I never understood why I always did that around Amy. The only one who could make me feel this way was my former best friend, Fiona.

Fiona and I knew each other since kindergarten. And we were inseparable ever since. Before Amy came around Fiona was my best friend, I used to treasure her so much. I craved her attention like I need water to survive. Her compliments always made the happiest girl around.

She could be mean to me at times, always correcting me when I did something she did not approve and if I tried to argue with her she would give me the silent treatment. I hated it because it made me feel so sad for disappointing her.

While sitting down Amy introduced herself to me with a nervous smile. I replied to the gesture by introducing myself with a friendly one to help her calm down.

As the class progressed, I would occasionally look at her from time to time from the corner of my eyes. There was something about her that attracted me deeply. It was one of the things I found strange about me 2 years ago. I had these different feelings towards girls that I never had for boys. My girl-friends would always argue what guy was the hottest from my class but I would constantly advert myself from these conversations.

They teased me about it by calling me a nun but Fiona would always have my back by demanding them to stop bothering me.

What surprised me the most was that Amy was discreetly staring at me too. I managed to catch her a few times making her blush a little.

Small moments like this make me feel down and depressed knowing that this beautiful girl suffered such a terrible fate. And makes me even more miserable knowing I had a hand in that fate.

I noticed that Amy’s eyes weren’t the only ones I caught staring at me in that class. At the far right from my row, I spotted a blonde girl with blue eyes, Fiona’s eyes staring at Amy and I little interaction.

Fiona’s eyes hovered between the both of us, finally landing on me. I was not able to read her expression. She looked so cold and bland. Her eyes were icy almost lifeless. She would look like that whenever she felt disappointed about something.

She immediately averted her eyes from mine, now looking at something else. Suddenly her whole demeanor changed her eyes were not icy anymore, their blue color had a different element, fire.

Her eyebrows instantly frowned, her jaw hardened and gritted teeth were now visible through the small space of her slightly parted lips.

Turing my face to see what made her look this angry and heated, I saw the hazel-eyed ginger looking sweetly at me.

When I was trying to figure out why I would never find guys attractive by trying to hang out with a few boys from the class. She would drive them away by giving them mean stears and saying they were a waste of time. And me being naive and infatuated as I was for her, saw that as a way of her to show that she cared for me.

Another thing about Fiona is that she was extremely protective of me or should I say possessive. She would defend me from mean mouths at school but on the other hand, she was extremely possessive and manipulative towards me. When I would tell her I was going out with other friends of mine she would guilt trip me to think I was abandoning her.

So the look she gave to Amy wasn’t any look. It meant that in her eyes Amy was a threat to her. Little did I know that this was the beginning of the end for Amy Collins.

During the following weeks, Amy went from being an unknown 14 teen-year-old girl in junior high school to the most talked one.

Different things were being said about her. Guys from all classes gawked about her beauty and good looks. They would call her the “hottie nun”. I hated how the looked at her like she was just a piece of meat.

The girls, they were different only harsh came out of their mouths.

They always called her superficial names like the fashion killer. Because of the conservative way, she would dress. But some of the name-callings were disgusting and went way too far. Christian weirdo and Jesus little w***e just no name a few.

What made me upset the most was that a few of those names were created by some of my friends. They only called her that because she always carried a bible close to her chest along with her trademark crucifix necklace.

I’m pretty sure these mean names got to Amy because she would always walk around the hallways with her head hanging low. She never made her self feel noticed during class.

She would avoid my gaze every time I looked at her in class, probably afraid of receiving a mean look. Something I never did but she was not taking any chances.

Amy was making me feel worried because she was starting to miss some classes especially P.E. The girls in the dressing room would hide her clothes or dump them in the toilet. Which pissed me the hell off because my closest friends, Fiona and Patty were responsible for those stupid pranks.

Following that, I started to make an effort to get closer to Amy. I did it secretly behind my friends back. After the last period, Amy would always go to the school library to study. So I took the opportunity to approach her. She was a little hesitant at first but soon gave in once she knew I was only there to be her friend. The only real friend she would have at that school.

Amy was very sweet to me after our first few encounters. We occasionally hung out after school to study, and sometimes ate ice cream. She was crazy in love with the vanilla flavour . After getting to know her I felt bad for ignoring her at school. Surprisingly she never gave me crap about it.

I was afraid of what people would think if they found out she and I were friends, especially my closest friends, they could be very mean. Now looking back I hated my 13-year-old self, I was soo weak-minded.

One prime example of my friends mean behavior was when we were hanging out at our usual spot at a local diner. And one of the topics of our conversations was Amy.

“Have you seen that Amy chick today. The i***t looked like she came from the stone age. Have you seen the clothes she was wearing today?” Patty one of my friends asked while laughing at her description of Amy. Earning a few snickers of the rest of the table not mine.

One thing about Patty was that she was extremely insecure about her image and herself in general. So her judging Amy’s appearance wasn’t a surprise to me. It was the only way she could feel good about her self.

But her comment about Amy made my blood boil. I wanted to snap at her for talking about Amy in that way but I restrained myself from doing it.

“Yeah... she dresses like a nun but... she’s fine as hell ” Stan one of the two guys at our table replied with a devious smirk on his face. Immediately receiving one of Fiona’s death glares, she had a huge crush on him at the time.

Which made me feel jealous of him. She would give him all her undivided attention. Sometimes giving me rain checks just to go on dates with him.

“Stan if you think that pathetic excuse of a girl is hot then you definitely have some problems as well as a terrible taste in girls” Fiona instantly replied with a tone that held nothing but jealousy on it.

“Come on Fiona you know I think you’re on a different level. But that Collins chick... she’s a bomb too you know... Even though she dresses like those ugly Amish girls and all... Tom thinks she’s hot too, right Tom?” He was rambling hard. So to avoid Fiona’s wrath he handed the hot potato to Tom. His cheeks instantly grew red earning him a slap on the shoulder from his girlfriend Patty.

“Really Tom you fancy the b***h?!” asked the short hair brunette clearly angered by his natural reaction. I understood Tom’s position he wasn’t a cheater or anything like it, he was head over heels for Patty but even he could not hide the fact that Amy was, in fact, beautiful. And that made Patty’s insecurity meter go all the way up.

“Thanks a lot, Stan you’re the best friend ever. Patty baby look don’t listen to him ok. Had I ever gave you a reason to doubt my love for you. And no I don’t fancy “the b***h” ” Tom managed to calm her down by hugging her gently.

Pouting on his arms Patty said something that angered me instantly.

“I’m sorry Tom. But I don’t want you near that Jesus little w***e ok. You’re too good looking to be around someone like her. Plus you belong to me” Tom nodded in response.

“Don’t worry Patty, our little Tommy here is as faithful as it gets. He even refused to be part of the bet?” Stan said followed by a few chuckles from Tom.

“What bet ?” me, Patty and Fiona question him in unison.

“Ohh shit... Well... The guys from the football made a bet to see who could... you know... Get on with Amy” he hesitantly answered.

“You guys betted on the little s**t!” Fiona said practically screaming, Patty’s eyes just like mine widen in surprise after listening to what Stan said.

That was the last straw for me, I didn’t know what got over me that day but I had to defend Amy somehow, the way they spoke about her like she was nothing but an object made my sick. All the name-calling, and to cap it off that disgusting bet all of it made me the angriest girl alive.

“JUST SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU. Why are you talking like that of someone you don’t even know. “Jesus w***e”, “little s**t”, “ugly Amish girl”. How can you guys be so heartless? And you Stan and Tom this stupid bet you guys have is disgusting!”

They all looked at me dumbfounded, I was never someone who snaped like that. Their faces said it all about my sudden outburst, especially Fiona’s she looked shocked. I never once raised my voice at her and the look on her face made my heart sink a little. I knew somehow I hurt her by defending Amy and calling her heartless.

Today I feel proud for standing up for Amy, but that day I was so disappointed at myself for snapping at everybody, especially at Fiona. I could sense that she felt that way too because her expression was now stone cold, blank, icy. The same expression she would make every time she would be disappointed at me.

And the silence treatment began, she proceeded to ignore me, but this time it was worse because she made sure all of my friends did the same. She had the power to do something like that, perks of being the most popular girl at school.

I felt so miserable about losing my friends, especially my best friend. I went as far as blaming myself and regretting defending Amy’s and not taking Fiona’s side.

To cap it off I had to watch her and Stan become officially become together, kissing on every corner imaginable at school. She made sure to put on a show every time I found myself looking at them.

I tried to talk to her but she would give me the cold shoulder, acting like my presence was nothing to her. What killed me the most was hearing her call Patty her new best friend. A title that has been mine since we were 5 years old. And she just gave it to another person like it meant nothing to her.

She brushed off all the times I was there for her when she needed the most. Every heartbreak, I was there to give her a shoulder to cry. Every though moment I was there to give her support, every birthday, every special occasion, I was there to celebrate and make sure she would always be the happiest girl ever.

I was so defeated and alone, I even started to skip some classes and lunchtime just so I could spare myself and my heart from seeing her be so happy without me.

But one day when I was sulking over my broken heart on the school courtyard someone approached me. Someone who I never thought would ever care about me, Amy.

Amy proved herself to be the most loveable person I’ve ever met. She of all people cared about my sadness. She was the only one to reach out to me, after Fiona and I split up, all of my friends avoided me for the most part definitely taking her side.

Amy eased my pain, gave me words of wisdom, and most importantly she was always there for me. We instantly grew closer, I found myself sharing all of my secrets with her, even the strange feelings I had for Fiona at the time.

And she shared hers with me, she told me about the death of her father, Martin. He was the reason why she and her mother became Christian.

Religion gave her hope of one day being reunited with him again.

Gradually Amy became a lot sweeter and caring towards me, occasionally bringing me cupcakes from time to time. She even surprised me one day by bringing me a cake as a thank you from helping her study for her math test.

I carry the memory of that day dearly because no one was so caring and thoughtful of me before. She made me feel so special.

Amy walked into my classroom happily smiling after the lesson had finished, carrying a tray with cake in hands. It amazed me how I was the sole reason for her to be so happy lately.

“Good morning L-Lilly I-I brought you a cake... a-as a thank you for helping me out with my math test” her stuttering was so cute and the blush on her cheeks made her even more adorable.

“Oh my god... Amy thank you b-but you didn’t have to it was nothing really”, I said taking the tray from her hands and placing it on my desk.

She caught me by surprise when she took my hands and looked me in the eyes. Saying the following words that melted my whole heart away.

“Lilly. For me, it was everything”

Amy in my eyes had this amazing power of making little moments like this one look so special. She could make you feel like you were the only thing that matters in the world with just a few words.

But the people around did not felt the same, these immediately earned laughs and snickers from the people eavesdropping our conversation. One of them being my former friends and best friend Patty, Stan and Fiona, who was now wrapped around her boyfriend’s arms. I’m not going to lie, seeing her in his arms made me feel a little sad and somewhat jealous.

Their faces just like the people around us held nothing but a look of disdain, they were looked at us like we were a freak show.

This reaction from them made Amy’s whole demeanor change, her head was now hanging low from embarrassment and shame, she looked so defeated.

This time it felt like it was my turn to be there for her, it was my turn to thank her for being a real friend and a beautiful human being.

So what I did next surprised me and herself.

Without a second thought, I wrapped my arms around her shoulders bringing her closer to me for a tight but gentle embrace. She was warm, soft and her scent was heavenly good.

She immediately reciprocated my embrace, leaning a little bit down due to me being shorter than her, wrapping her arms around my waist snuggling her head on the crook of my neck. Her embrace made me feel safe and cared for, it made me feel special.

I closed my eyes snuggling even closer trying to savor every bit of this special moment. Once I dared to open them up I was met with a glare from someone that was not part of my life anymore. The same glare who once was directed towards Amy on the first day she came into my life was now directed towards me.

This exchange of looks instantly reminded me of one best advises Amy had given me. She told me once that Fiona did not deserve someone like me. To this day I still believe that my biggest mistake was not listening to her when she told me this.

But one thing I now know for sure is that I did not deserve someone like Amy Collins.