The Samodiva And The Dragon

5. Broken

Author’s note:

I’m adding in parentheses music that, in my opinion, compliments, if not even adds up to the reading experience.

(“The Evening Fog” - Twelve Titans Music)

-Diva-

"It was about time!"

I see a subtle shadow of a man sitting in my armchair by the window with his back towards me. I know this voice, even though we don't really talk very often to each other.

"Father, I..."

"Diva, save your excuses, I know where you were!" He cuts me off harshly.

I look at him with wide eyes and don't dare to say anything. He looks pissed. He sighs and turns to me, speaking with a softer voice.

"Who do you think built those tunnels you are using? I did it for your mom, so no one could ever question where she would go alone in the middle of the night."

He turns back to the window with a distant look into the still dark sky and continues: “The way you left earlier is very disrespectful. You know you can’t just pick up and leave when we have royal guests. And when Yaga told me you were not in your room, how do you think I had to explain to them that I can’t rule on my own daughter.” He takes another breath and looks back at me sharply.

“Don’t you dare embarrass me like that again!”

I ignore his threatening tone that has an element of exhaustion, I slowly walk to him and kneel on the floor next to the armchair. I take his cold bony hand in mine, look at his face and whisper: "Why haven’t you said a word about it before?! You know what I am and that I lost my mom - my only support in this world, and you still chose to leave me…” I take a deep breath while a tear escapes from my left eye, no matter how hard I try to keep it in. I say louder this time:

“You left me… alone!"

He doesn't look at me, stares through the window, deep in thought, just squeezes a little my hand that is still in his own. I don't know when a whole dam of tears started flowing down my face, I felt hurt. He knew all that time and never acknowledged me. He left a child, HIS child, to deal with feelings she didn't understand. He walked away from me and it felt as if he never looked back. I was as dead as Her to him! And again, all I craved for was his attention, fatherly hugs and reassurance that all is going to be ok. Of course, that never came… I was left there as if I had never been born. I would be noticed only on my birthdays and right after that forgotten once again.

I hear him taking a deep breath and says: "I didn't know how to look after you. After her death, I was broken..." he exhales loudly.

That enrages me! Was I supposed to know how to look after myself on my own at seven years old?! I let go of his hand and stand up abruptly. Furiously wipe my cheeks as he turns towards me and our eyes finally meet. He looks tired but also worried. I don't see indifference like other times. He looks genuinely concerned, which throws me off. Is he going to act like the caring father we all know he has never been?! I am fuming! I try to compose myself and I ask harshly:

"You haven't bothered with me for the last ten years, so why now?"

He stands up fast with an angry look and points at me "Don't you dare talk to me like that, Diva! I'm still your father and your King!"

My hands are trembling with rage. I mock-bow at him and say: "Yes, you are The King and I'm just a prisoner of yours. You would never grace me with your presence, would just lock me down in a shiny cage. Why Father?"

He is now pacing the room. "All I did was to protect you!"

"Protect me from whom?" I shout in his face.

He stops pacing and looks at me. His eyes are red and swollen, they again have that soft and concerned look.

"Sunshine, there are a lot of people that would like to harm you. Some because of the fact that you are the Augusta princess, others because you are a nymph and third just because you are my daughter." I take a deep breath to try to rain my anger in, but it is not helping at all. I want to scream, my chest is burning out with rage. I look at him and spit out:

“You protected me well, Father! Protected me from my subjects, by never letting me mingle with anyone outside of the palace. So now they keep saying I am an abomination of nature, hideous and I don't know what else, just because they have never seen their princess! You protected me well from whoever would like to harm nymphs even though no one knows they exist, by leaving me to fend for myself! And in the end, you protected me the best from my father's affections and love!"

I can't handle my feelings anymore. I drop on my knees on the floor, crying uncontrollably. I feel his arms wrapping me in a warm hug. The one I have dreamed of for years. He shushes quietly till my sobs calm down. He gently wipes my cheeks and holds my face in between his two big rough hands. He puts his forehead against mine and I close my eyes. When he pulls away, I open them and for the first time in years, I see his face from that close. He is not the same man he was once upon a time. His face has countless wrinkles and he has dark circles under his eyes. He is still a very handsome man, but his appearance are somewhat dull. He used to have a little mischievous fire in his eyes and was always coming up with some crazy game ideas. He was the one who built me a cave in the castle just because I wanted to see one up close. That is all gone now. In front of me is a man that looks tired. But not outside his daily royal responsibilities, more like being tired of living.

“Sunshine, I never meant to abandon you. I was grieving, and by the time I had some of my sanity back, you were angry with me and didn’t want to have anything to do with your father.”

I look at him in disbelief. Is that a reason to never even attempt to be my father once again?!

“So you want to tell me that you didn’t remember I existed for what? Two, three or five years?! And what about after that? You didn’t deem it worth it to even try?!”

He looked at me with a guilty look. That said it all, but nevertheless he spoke out loud: “She was my better half. What am I saying?! She was my everything, my whole life! You were under the care of Yaga. She took care of your mom, so I knew she would take good care of you too.”

Oh, that stings! I am just like some unwanted baggage which was lying around bothering him, so he ordered someone else to take care of it. Could this conversation get any worse?! With every single word coming out of his mouth, I feel more and more miserable. More and more rejected. Maybe going to the Zmey Kingdom is a blessing under a disguise… And what was that bullshit about aunt Yaga taking good care of me?! That is just the top of the cake!

I remove his hands that are still on my cheeks and send a disgusted glare his way.

"Do you know how I found out my mother was dead?!”

I stand up and start fixing my disheveled dress as I continue:

“Aunt Yaga came and told me, I'll quote her exact words for you, because that is something I’ll never forget: "Your mom died. There is nothing to fuss about. We have to carry on with our duties". Can you imagine?! I was seven years old!!!”

I didn’t realize it when I started raising my voice. I take a deep breath and look at him from above. He is still kneeling on the floor. I say with a much calmer voice:

“That is how much affection I got growing up. And you are just telling me that you couldn't bother with me either."

I go to the door, open it wide and say: "You can tell the Zmey emissaries that I can't wait to meet my future husband. You can send me there much before my eighteenth birthday, so I can get accustomed to the place and customs. Of course, if they would have me. There is nothing to keep me here!"

I hear him say weekly "Diva, I'm sorry."

I keep staring at the wall in front of me with a stone-cold look on my face.

He stands up from the floor and leaves my room without another word.

I throw myself on the bed and wish myself not to care anymore, simply because I'm not wanted here, I have never been!