Living in the Shadows

True Colors

For days, I tried not talking to Art. I stopped texting him, even stopped calling him. I just want to clear my head. I ignored all his messages and won't answer every time he would call. I want him to have the taste of his own medicine. I want him to feel how I feel when he ignores me when he won't answer my calls. I know he'd really be upset. But I just want to take some break and stop thinking about him even just for a while. Not really sure how this would end, but maybe avoiding him, for now, would help us have some little space.

“Hi Gali, where are you?” I texted my best friend.

“I’ll be there, I’ll visit Mum. Care to see your best friend?” I sent another text.

Galileo works in the same company where my mother is the CFO, technically we are colleagues too. Once I am back at work, we would see each other often. I am thrilled to the idea that I would have more time chit-chatting with my friend. Something that I haven’t done for quite some time now.

“Weird, how come he is not replying.” I murmured.

“The phone number you dialed is either unattended or out of coverage area. Please try again later.” Voice prompt as I tried calling him.

I called my mother to inform her that I’m on my way to her office. I would submit a formal letter informing her that I would be back to work.

I decided to submit my back-to-work notice so I can have a break and have some time to get Arthur off my head.

I decided without consulting Art, I know he would be so upset as he wants me to stay focused on the kids. He wants me to be a full-time housewife not doing anything and just depend on whatever he would provide us.

Money is not an issue as he provides well for the family. I am doing this for myself. This is about forgetting the pain.

Staying at home like a caged bird drives me nuts! I can’t stop thinking of how he is treating me. Can’t stop thinking of his interviews. I can’t stop thinking how cold our love has turned. I just can’t keep this to myself anymore.

(Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus playing)

“What’s going on honey, anything that you want to tell your mum?” my mother asked.

“Nothing. I’m fine.” I said softly.

“I am your mother, I know when you are happy, and when you are sad.” Mum replied,

“Go on, tell me. You have to get it off your chest.” She added.

“I..think...Art no longer loves me.” And I burst into tears.

“He’s rarely home. And when he is, he makes love to me but feels like it is not him at all. I could feel that we’ve grown apart. I think he is seeing someone else.” I sobbed.

“Oh honey, my baby. In this world, in this unfair world. Women would always have to sacrifice. I know how hard it is to live in a secret world. Now that your husband is a rising actor in this country, he had to hide his sons, and deny your marriage.

As a woman, it is really hard. In our society, you would get blamed for everything.

Kids too skinny, won’t eat veggies – you’re not a good mother.

House too untidy – you’re not a good homemaker.

Husband cheats – you’re neglecting his needs.

They would even make an excuse, saying this could be a seven-year itch or something.

F*ck it! I know your dad and I did not end up together, but he will always be a good father to you and a good friend to me.

He will have a special place in my heart forever, it’s just that our priorities are not aligned. But he never made me feel that way, I swear. William was such a gentleman he had to let me go as I want to pursue my dreams. He doesn’t want to clip my wings as I wanted to fly.” Mum told me as she hugged me tightly.

“Do whatever you have to do to, think it over. Do whatever your heart desires. Is this something you can keep on doing? Or is it about time to give yourself some love? Ask yourself honey and decide not only for yourself but also the boys.” She added.

“Thank you, mum. This is what I just really needed.” Felt like I am her little girl again asking to be comforted when wounded.

“I’ll see you Monday. I’ll report back to work. I need to get myself together.” I said as I wipe my tears and got up to leave.

I am decided that I would have to divert my attention and stop moping over Arthur. Sulking would not get me anywhere and is not helping me in any way.

If he is ignoring me, hurting me, I must learn how to move on, to stop this pity party, be resilient, be in control of my life.

I am tired of being sad, I should do something about my life. I should do something about how I am being treated. I should not let Arthur treat me like sh*t. I am his wife, and not just a doormat.

If he wants a cold treatment, I’ll give it to him. Give him the taste of his own medicine.

I’ve been sulking for the longest time not thinking how it would affect the kids.

There is always that tiny spec of hope inside my heart that he will change and we will be back to normal.

But, when? How long should I endure this pain?

How long should I endure this kind of treatment?

Is this something I want my boys to witness growing up?

I must act on it.

I must do something about it.

That night, Arthur came home really drunk.

“Babe, I need you to come here. I want you here by my side.” He called, as he entered our room.

“Babe, I think you drank too much. You should take a shower first; I’ll get you a cup of coffee or tea.” I replied. He grabbed my arm and pulled me close to him.

“How come he still smells so good even though he’s drunk. He still smells sweet. Pheromones?” thoughts in my head as I annoyingly removed his hand.

“Arthur, what do you want? Why do you always come home like this? This is not really a good sight for our kids.” I exasperated.

He closed the door, pulled me, and ripped my nighties. I was butt-naked then and there. He pinned me down the bed and forced himself on me.

“No. Don’t do this. It hurts Arthur, please.” I pleaded. “I know you want this; I know this is all you want. You want me, you miss me. I am what you only need. I am what you want. Nobody else.” He said as he was forcing his self on me.

“Babe, please. Stop.” I cried softly as I don’t want the boys to hear us fighting and screaming. I endured it until he finishes.

And when he was done, he just lay beside me and fell asleep. I was left there, crying. I can’t believe that just happened. I can’t believe he did that to me.

I picked up the pieces of my ripped clothing and headed to the bathroom to take a shower.

I feel so low. Yes, he’s my husband, but still, I did not consent it to happen. I just kept crying while the water runs down from the showerhead.

My body hurts, but most of all, my heart was ripped into pieces.

(Torn by Natalie Imbruglia plays in the background)