Living in the Shadows

Mental Break

My father is finally home from the hospital. Luckily his BP and glucose level normalized, therefore he was not required to stay for a week at the hospital. 

We were given instructions on the food he can eat, the limitations on chores he can do, as well as his medications – some for cholesterol, for his blood pressure, and blood sugar.

My golly! Salute to all Nurses as these are no joke, you have to remember all of this as a person’s life depends on it!

Mum could not stay any longer, but no one would look after dad and I would not have peaceful sleep at night knowing my father would be home alone with this condition so I told mum that I can stay for few more days or a couple more weeks until we found a caregiver for my father.

I want to take care of my father, my father so dear. This is also the time for my sons to spend more time with their grandfather. This is their chance to be together, and make good memories together.

If I would be honest with myself, I would stay with my dad for good as it feels like I have no reason to go back to the Philippines. I have my boys with me right now, and my dad who needs my care and attention.

I just love my father so much, my heart hurts so much seeing him weak, seeing him sick. I am so worried I would lose the only man who first loved me so true. He was my first best friend and just realized, he was my first true love who would always think of me as his precious gem. Thank God for our fathers, thank God for the life of my dad, he’s the first man who showed me how a real man should love a woman. He is the epitome of a gentleman and a man who would do anything for the love of his life.

“Will, I have to leave, take your meds on time, and don’t be a pain in the ass, ok? I know you, when it comes to food and medicine, you would always be the hardheaded one. Don’t give Macky a hard time, ok? I just have to work on some things for the company, then I would be back here so I can help out Macky, I might need to have everything settled there first, I promise I will be back.” My mum uttered sitting on the side of dad’s bed as she gets ready to leave.

“Thank you, Elena, for being here with me.” He held my mother’s hand and lightly patted the back of mum’s hand.

“I have to go now, Macky, take care, you have three ‘boys’ to attend to, just give me a call. I’ll see you in few days.” Mum kissed me on the forehead.

He might not admit it, but I could see in his eyes that he still loves my mother. He did not re-marry, nor have any girlfriends even mum and he got divorced. He focused on his restaurants and focused on cooking as that what makes him happy.

“She will always be like that, but my heart and love for her never changed. Every day I would wake up, bury my nose under tons of paper works for the business, work round the clock at the restaurant. But at the end of the day, when everyone’s gone, when all is quiet when the night is young. I would picture my beautiful Elena with me. She would be the only woman I’d ever love.” My father blurted out as he gazes at the door where mum just left.

I suddenly felt, a pinch in my heart. No, not a pinch, I felt my heart pounding. “Awww, dad, don’t make me cry, the boys would think that I am such a cry baby! I’ve been crying since we got here!” Coming home stripped off my tough mask and my boys witnessed how weak I am when I saw my father at the hospital.

“I love you Daddy, and my big baby Sydney, and my baby boo Austin…I love all my boys!” I said as I give each one of them a big kiss. “And you love daddy, too! Right, mommy?” Austin just exclaimed. Took me few seconds to respond, “of course baby, I love daddy too.” I answered in a weakened voice and gave him another kiss on his forehead.

Do I still love him? Do I still love you Arthur? thoughts in my head as I hug my little boys.

“Your mum told me that you haven’t called Arthur. He must be very worried. Give him a call honey. I’ll be fine with the boys here. I’ll tell them a story I used to tell you when you were little.” Dad winked.

“Oh no, don’t tell me it is another croc story!” I said, shaking my head while smiling. “Syd, Austin, I’ll be back, don’t make your grandpop too excited, it is not good for his blood pressure. Understood?” I told the boys. “Yes, ma’am!” both answered giving me a salute. “Where did you learn that, crazy two.” I smiled as I left the room.

Now I must face my husband, I don’t know if I can. I am not sure how can I approach him. I went to my room to grab my phone.

20 missed calls, 10 messages.

“What the heck?” I really am puzzled by what I saw.

All text messages and missed calls were from Arthur!

“Where are you? Why are you not picking up?”

“Where are you?”

“Hello? I’ve been calling you.”

“What are you doing important that you are not picking up?”

“Babe, are you mad at me?”

“Babe, please talk to me.”

“Babe, answer your phone.”

“Macky pick up the phone.”

“I’ll be home in an hour.”

“Why did you not tell me? I’ll see you and the kids there. I’m on my way to the airport. Don’t go anywhere.”

I don’t want to be anywhere near him. I just want this space for now. I can’t let him leave the country.

“Come on Art, pick up your phone…” Art’s phone just keeps on ringing.

“Macky, I am driving. I’ll see you and the boys tomorrow.” He said as soon as he picked up his phone.

“Art, hold on. Just stay there. I don’t need…. I am going to be fine with dad and the boys. Don’t bother flying to Melbourne, your schedule might not permit staying here for a day or two…” I said all in one breath so he can hear my explanation hoping he would no longer budge to travel.

“No, I want to see dad,” he said and hang up.

“Urgggggh!!!!” I almost threw my phone against the wall. “I don’t want to be with you even just for now. I am so frustrated!” I murmured as I walk down the hallway going to dad’s room.

“Knock knock, can I come in?” I said with a fake smile on my face. “Mommy! Grandpop said he used to be an explorer and used to catch crocs!” Austin said while running towards me. “Hmm.. maybe that is why he got very big muscles!” I winked at Sydney who’s shaking his head in disbelief. Where did the time go? He won’t believe such stories anymore. My big boy, my first baby. “Uhm.. daddy would be here tomorrow. So, both of you must behave well, ok? Your dad must be tired from work and must be jet-lagged once he arrives. Do you understand?” I told the boys. “Yes, mom. Can we go outside and play now?” asked Sydney. “Ok, go ahead, just make sure to look after your brother, ok?” I replied. “Ok.” My big baby answered.

“Dad, I’ll be in my room, just call me if you need anything, Ok? Don’t move around much, if you need something to eat, I will cook it for you, alright?” I uttered as I kissed dad on his forehead. “Thank you, my Macky-poo, I am sorry you have to do this.” My dad replied. “Awww, Daddy! I’ve been gone for almost forever, let me do this for you.” I hugged dad. “I’ll be in my room, try to get some rest,” I said as I closed his door.

I chose to stay in the guest room. My temporary room as Syd and Austin are using my old room. I want some quiet time and would like to be alone even just for now before Art would arrive.

 How can I face him? How can I talk to him? Do I hate him? Do I still love him? What should I do?  I am so confused. I am unsure of my feelings. I just want to be alone.

 I just want to be away from him. For some reason, not hearing from him for a few days gave me a sort of peace of mind. I somewhat enjoyed my mini break from him. I know that he is not home most of the time, we no longer see each other that often, but a mental break from him is the very much needed break I need, and I achieved that by being a thousand miles away from him and for not communicating with him at all, although unintentional.   

(Beautiful Nightmare by Deep Blue Something playing)