Living in the Shadows

Intuition

I woke up early, as usual, I must prepare breakfast for the family. Dad’s caregiver was early and was preparing all the medicine my father needs for the day.

“Good morning Macky.” Anne greeted; she is Dad’s caregiver. I like her as she is really professional and nice.

“Good morning Anne. How’s my father?” I asked.

“He is doing well; his blood pressure and sugar level are stable for the past few days,” Anne explained. “He is showing good signs, in just a few days or weeks he can go out and travel with you and the kids.” Anne smiled and continued with her tasks.

I am just happy that my father’s health is improving, something to get off my chest. When I heard the news that he is unwell, my heart sank and the thought of losing my father is just unimaginable. I am such a pessimist and I worry too much. I overthink which is not healthy.

For some reason, this darkness inside me is just lurking and creeps in whenever something would trigger it. It is just like my own demons inside me. Mental health is something rarely discussed at this time. When you experience depression or anxiety, they just tag you as crazy. We are living in an era where mental health is still taboo. I just hope that sooner or later this is something that will be embraced and taken seriously. It is the early 2000s, we are already in a new millennium, but some things have not changed. This is something that is being frowned upon. Like we do not have the rights to be weak, to be fragile, and it is something rarely discussed.

I wonder if ten years from now, how do people take Mental Health awareness? Is this still something people would call weakness, and being unstable something to be ashamed of? I wonder if in the next decade, would there be more groups to support women experiencing post-partum depression, women with anxiety disorder, women with these silent battles. I just hope that it would be better in the coming years for women, not just us but for all with mental health issues.

(Help! By Beatles playing)

“Good morning babe.” Arthur grabbed my waist and kissed my cheek.

“Good morning babe, this will be done in few minutes. You can just sit there. Coffee?” I answered while cooking pancakes, grabbed the canister for the ground coffee, and headed to the espresso machine.

He loves coffee just as much as I do. A cup of doppio would jump-start our day. One of our must-haves and one of the things we have in common.

We love coffee, we love wine, steak, outdoors, and oh, literature! We both love reading books. That is why when I met him, during our first year as a couple we are so much like best friends. I married my best friend, and that is the foundation of our relationship. That is why, whatever comes our way, I just hold on and look back at the reason I married this man.

It would really be best to be friends with your partner, be comfortable with each other, have fun, know your strengths and weaknesses, and of course keep the fire burning. I guess staying in love is the most challenging part, as not every day the other person is likable. Nobody is. There would be a day that your spouse would be just so annoying, there would be a point that he or she is getting boring. And that what made me so scared, am I boring my husband? Am I lacking something? I always thought that after having 2 kids, I am not the same woman he liked before, he loved and married.

Every time he would leave home for work, there’s always fear. Always thinking of what could happen, always thinking of what worse could happen. Whenever I would watch his interviews, there is something about his smile. About how his eyes look, about the way he looks at his leading lady which makes me jealous, which makes me scared. The fear of losing the person I love the most. The fear of being cheated on. The fear of being not enough that he would leave me soon. The fear of having a broken family. I overthink, yes, but can you blame me? It feels like he is a totally different person every time I see him on screen.

Prior to traveling back to Australia, our marriage is on the rocks. It is not in its best shape. I felt the distance, I felt that he is indifferent. Something is going on behind my back, and something is wrong. I just know that inside my heart.

For some reason, there’s this hunch that something is wrong which I am trying to conceal because I want our lives to be back to normal.

When I saw him at our doorstep, I had mixed emotions, annoyed as he did me wrong before we left and he did not even apologize for being disrespectful, for being indifferent.

But there is a small spark inside my heart, which is hope. Hoping that this would be the time that our love would be rekindled, and our marriage would be saved. And I guess that is why I just gave in that instant when he kissed me and when he initiated the move to make love with me.

Faith, that he is still the same person I married, whom I chose to be with my entire life. Hope, that we would be able to fix whatever was broken. Love, maybe I always loved him and it was never lost, it was never gone, that is why I am still here, hoping, and keeping my faith in him.

(Broken Glass by Kygo, Kim Petras)

“What are you thinking?” Arthur asked, bringing me back to reality.

“Nothing,” I answered softly.

“I’ll just take a shower, you wanna join me?” Art teased while grabbing my hand.

“Crazy! I have to prepare breakfast for the kids, you can go ahead. I’ll take a shower later.” Rolled my eyes and continued preparing the table.

Art went to our bedroom, but he left his phone on the kitchen countertop.

5 missed calls.

I don’t normally snoop around his phone, and I don’t have that habit of browsing his phone or looking into his messages. But this time, there’s a tiny voice inside me that I should check it.

*phone rings*

Something urged me to pick it up.

“Hello,” I answered the phone after few rings.

“Hello?” I heard a woman on the other line.

“Hi, I’m sorry who is this?” I asked.

“Hi, is Art there? This is his talent manager.” The lady answered.

“Oh, he is in the shower right now, I’ll tell him you called.” I just answered, but still weirded out as the number is not registered, if she is the talent manager why is her number not registered at all.

“Can I take a message?” I added.

“Oh, who is this again?” she asked further.

“This is Macky. I’ll let my hus…I’ll let Arthur know that you called and will tell him to call you back, uhm I thought his talent manager is a guy, are you his new talent manager?” I probed a little more.

“Tell him it’s Angel and call me back the soonest possible time. Thank you.” She hang up. My knees weakened as if I am going to collapse.

I grabbed a chair and sat down, felt like a glass of cold water splashed my face. I am trying to hold back my tears as I don’t want to overreact, I don’t want to think negatively, what if she is the new manager? What if she has the same name as the actress being linked to my husband? I should get it out of my head, but I just can’t. Overthinking is succumbing to me.

I gathered all the strength I have to go upstairs to our room, as it feels like I need to lay down in bed and rest.

“Babe, you look so pale! Are you okay?” Art asked worriedly as I meet him in the hallway.

“I just need to rest a little,” I answered him and handed him his phone.

“Angel called, she said that you need to call her the soonest possible time.” I could not look into his eyes and just went straight to our bedroom to lay down and rest.

The only thing I could think of is to let out this pain and cry.

The heavens can feel my pain, as the rain started to pour. It poured heavily that I can hear every drop of the rain on our window. I glared outside looking at how gloomy the skies are.

“Is this still love? Is this how it should be? Will it be okay? Is it time to let go?” I murmured to myself as I watch the rain pour.

(Be Alright by Dean Lewis playing)