Living in the Shadows

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When I met Arthur, I could not explain why I was feeling that way. It is like I’ve known him for a long time. I was lost in his eyes. His scent smells like I am home, feels like I am with someone I’ve been with for as long as I could remember. It was like looking at everything in pink glass, sounds cheesy but it was love at first sight. I guess there is just a very strong connection between us. He would often tell me that he felt that way when he first met me. I never admitted that I felt the same way as I do not want him to feel that I’ve been crushing on him since the day he was introduced to me on my 18th birthday. I don’t want him to feel like I am crazy over him. But I know deep inside my heart, I am.

“I never stopped thinking of you.” I could hear Art’s voice.

“I am the happiest man alive, thank you for accepting me.” Art’s voice, echoing, until it fades.

I woke up. It was just a dream, my heart sank, he is no longer in bed. I am left alone…again. I started crying and curled up in a fetal position. I miss him, I miss my husband, I miss my first love. How I wish I could turn back the hands of time and freeze the clock when we used to be best friends, when we used to do everything together, when we used to laugh together, when we used to be happy, when we were madly in love with each other. I can’t help myself from crying. I could not move. It feels like the world turned dark. It feels like the room is colder. It feels like my heart is aching so much I could not move an inch.

Then the door opened.

“Mommy, can we go to the park?” Syd asked.

“Oh honey, mommy is not feeling well today. I’ll ask your nanny to accompany you and Austin. I am so sorry honey.” I answered trying to hide my tears from my son.

“Okay,” Syd replied but I could hear in his tone that he is disappointed.

When you are a mother, you cannot show your children your tears no matter how crushed you are inside. Because they should see their mother as a strong woman, someone who would be there for them, especially now that their father is not around most of the time. I felt sorry for my son. I fell in love so fast, not knowing this person so well before marrying him.

But I should not regret it, you should never regret something which once made you happy.

I love their father so much that even though it is hurting, I just can’t let go. I am so stupid to believe everything he would tell me. I am stupid for always hoping that he would change, that we would go back to how we used to be. It’s been two years, no…three years, I think I lost track of the time! And for me, it is still the same darkness swallowing me whole. I’ve been in a black hole. His silence, his treatment when he’s home, everything is torturing my soul. Breaking my heart piece by piece.

Is this still love? Is this how you love someone? Is this what a wife should do? Should I still fight for our marriage? same questions in my head.

I heard a knock on the door. “Ma’am long-distance call from Australia, your dad.” One of our helpers said.

“Hello, dad? Why did you not call my cellphone, it is more convenient to call my cell rather than my home phone.” I asked as soon as I picked up the phone’s receiver.

“Oh Macky, no, it’s me, Mia, your cousin. Uncle Will is in the hospital right now, you have to come home.” My knees weakened as I heard what my cousin said.

“What happened to dad? How is he? Which hospital?” I asked.

“He’s here at St. Vincent’s, he looks okay for now, but you still should know that he is under observation because of his blood pressure and sugar. We were having breakfast at the restaurant and he just collapsed. As per the doctors, he almost had a mild stroke, luckily we were with him so we rushed him to the hospital right away and any worst thing that could happen was prevented.” My cousin replied.

“I’ll be there the soonest possible time. I truly appreciate you calling me and helping dad while we are here, I’ll call you again once I am at the airport.” I answered and almost missed putting down the phone properly.

“Mummy,” I called my mother and broke into tears. “Dad is in the hospital. We have to be there for him.” I added.

“What happened honey?” my mom sounded worried as she heard my cry.

“Mia said about his blood pressure and sugar. Would you be able to come with me and the kids? He really needs us, mum. Please be with dad just for this time. Please mummy.” I cried.

“Okay, I’ll have everything ready.” My mother replied.

This is the final boarding call for passengers booked on flight 372A to Melbourne. Please proceed to gate 3 immediately. The final checks are being completed and the captain will order for the doors of the aircraft to close in approximately five minutes time. I repeat. This is the final boarding call for passengers booked on flight 372A to Melbourne. Thank you.

“Holy moly! Mum! We’re late. Hurry up, boys!” I said as we rushed so we won’t miss our flight.

After almost 12 hours of flight, we finally arrived at Tullamarine. We went straight to the hospital to see dad. Thank God he is well and still funny!

“Oh, Daddy! I almost had a heart attack myself. I’m so worried!” as I burst into tears. I know I told myself not to cry in front of the kids, but this time I felt like I am a little girl seeing my dad again.

“My Macky-poo, your dad is strong. Buckley's chance you’ll lose old bloke anytime soon.” In his most Aussie accent.

“I love you, daddy.” All I could say while hugging him. I am just so happy we are all together now. Mum, Dad, and my two boys. At the back of my mind, I wish Art is here to be with us.

“Did you tell Art that you and the boys would be here for a month or until your dad recovers?” my mum asked.

“Oh gosh, I freaked out and totally forgot to text him yesterday. I’ll text him once we settled at home.” I answered.

“Oh honey, you and the boys can go. I’ll stay with your dad.” Mum replied.

“Thanks, mum, the boys and I will be back,” I replied as I took the boys out of dad’s hospital room.

On our way to my childhood home, I was contemplating if I should call Art or should I just text him. It’s been two days since I spoke with him, and since the incident happened. He did not call me even after he left home. Not even a missed call nor a single text. I was staring at my phone when we finally arrived at our home.

“Oh golly! I missed our house. Austin look! that’s where grandpop and mom used to play when I was little! My swing looks rusty, not sure if it is still safe to play with it.” I exclaimed as I felt really giddy seeing my childhood home. So many happy memories happened here.

The boys ran as soon as we got off the cab, they were as excited as I am.

(Sweet Home Alabama by The Outlaws playing in the background)

Our first night doesn’t seem to be that rough as I and the boys fell asleep right away, dad was scheduled to be discharged the following day. The boys stayed in my old room, and I stayed in the guest room beside it. The scent of our home, the warmth of the bed, everything reminds me of my childhood, it’s been a long time since I felt this kind of joy. For a long time, that day, my heart is at peace.

It’s been a while since I felt happiness, genuine happiness.

(Only Hope by Mandy Moore playing in the background)