Have You Ever Before Now

Now Before Than Afterwards

Now I laid me down to sleep, I awakened from my deep sleep slumber, from waiting on my love out yonder, patiently as a patient awaiting vital results from the doctor, hoping the diagnosis isn't too heartbreaking, as my family worries more than I, because they see me with different eyes.

Now I laid me down to sleep, and prayed my soul your God chose to keep, I awakened from a slumber in a land before my time, trying to fast forward back to my familiar thoughts where family's love was once.my familiar territory, first class top priority, but now I'm constantly being hunted by privileged stepped on brothers, widowed father's, and left alone mothers. Not forgetting to mention pushed aside daughters and runaway sons, who only remember how to play Grand Theft Auto, buy new skins for their outdated guns, as they converse about their Minecraft.

What has now become, in a world of social media and advancing technology. As we downgrade communities, communication face to face. As we face a world wide g******e, from lack of diversity and decline in black lives matters, lacking degrees from the graduations at Universities, we now trade time for money, and intelligence for hand me down trades, we plunge as plumbers, and become Bob the builders, building other races ancient structures, modern day housing appearing as ancient pyramids, with our new reprogrammed brains, we forget to remember who were the greatest architects, constructing monuments as tall as skyscrapers and towers of Babel, as we Babel with multiple foreign languages in a single room.

We only learn to remember what we have chosen to never forget, as we have forgotten not to remember anything that was needed to grow, growing without pain and letdowns, is as crucial to trees growing without the rain, some embraced the sunshine while others ignored the pain, some better days are dancing in the rain, while complaining about how hot it is when the sun shines on beaches. But how good are the thunderstorms with dark clouds while thousands of feet above ground, with high turbulence while coasting Coast to Coast in a fighter's plane. Fighting the wants, wanting to land safely, forgetting to pack a parachute, what now, with no safety zone in range, what must one do, but first what must one think.

When you pay attention to what was said, remember to interpret what's implications they did not directly direct, remembering the tones and the body language, the smirks and the rolling of eyes from unspoken thoughts they failed to acknowledge because of fear of hurting one's feelings. If reading minds was capable, would you want this curse, or would you perceive this to be a gift or a blessing, would you want to know what did not matter to another, what you wanted them to feel whole heartily. But never felt even partially, how emotionally heartbroken would you honestly be. If feelings could not be felt, how emotionally distraught would you be left with, holding on to misplaced love like trying to pull back water with open hands, trying to tug a war liquids, with one arm, trying to go to war with no plan.

Now I laid me down to rest, I pray I don't fall back to sleep too quickly, wanting to know true Beauty so I can permanently rest this Ultra Beast, only wanting to truly rest my fears, and dry my tears, from all my past letdowns and disappointments from the lack of lovers supporting support, from constant tug a wars and with undermining jealousy cheers. Fishing for non catfish, never settling for Man-made Tilapia, but what am I left with with no fishing skills, with no friends or acquainted associates even with the trade, as I'm constantly reminded it's always cheaper to do it yourself, but is it always questioned? When time is money, how much money do you lose if you mess it up the first time. Or how much time did it cost you to learn it the last time. How much love have you let slip through your finger tips, like water you tried to keep carrying with your bare hands, how many burns do your hands show, from the love you kept trying to pull back and forth. See everything isn't a win or lose, losses appear as lessons learned at an affordable price, when cheap is replacement for expensive, words alters perfection, perceptions often seesaw views, up and down emotions tidal waves our hearts, like tsunamis and surfers, underestimating their last wave. Seeing some dreams never makes it past a nightmare, some bodies never make it to the proper grave. As we try to just bury the feelings without memories of what could've been, what was, and what never eventually was.

Time they say heals all, but sometimes prime times, often doesn't receive the proper attention to the fairly mentioned involving, the mental issues of the young and the reckless, but how many wreck less cars did we not wish to crash, how many airbags never reacted are imploded. How many ride or die friends were never there or always folded, like their first name was Origami. We play Russian Roulette, with revolvers, revolving around Indian fires and totam poles, chanting unknown hymns and ancient folklore while practicing rain dances. As reminiscent of old songs, remembering cherish-able memories, of late night tequila shots, and downing Black Hyneeyse, reminisces on past eclipses, trying to erase all the times your sun, was smothered by another's dark night, when only trying to protect their moon.

Mood swings like Babe Ruth, wishing only for a base hit, but praying it Home Runs, base stay loaded, but love's basics always folding, life is a paradoxical paradise, but it often leaches on from leaches like diseases and parasites, it forms mold and corrodes like unattended water from the raining of tears, from heartbroken over and over from the negligence of proper care. From the lies of truths you trusted were solid, lukewarm isn't a great temperature, you rather enjoy your servings hot or cold, but when you're hungry or starving for love, any substance becomes a choice between life and death.

When human philosophy becomes your daily apology from once impulsive to being a patient for lack of psychology, how do you not become a living study, studying all your previously self publish works, you perfect your craft perfectly, as you reconstruct your every thought, with a stylist pen, reinventing you entire style, as you now know what it takes to be better than great, but wait, if you have died, before now, who, what, when, why was you not previously discovered or at least slightly recognized.

Have You Ever Before Now Imagined and Invisioned Self Before Love? Have you ever daydreamed stars in a galaxy of touchable planets above? Have you ever taken a millisecond to not think of anything negative at all, just closed your eyes, awakened in a field of lilies with daisy flowers, in the middle of fall, with showering roses pedals, while lying on your back, man's best friend, jumping from side to side, ear to ear, trying to dodge the moments of happiness we no longer hear, silencing the chaos we are so trained to hear, as our heartbeats fast, as if we're playing dodge ball with fear, will you adhere, to the stop sign, stop signs, of flashing yellow lights and railroad signs, while swerving crossing deer.

Dear, Driving while blind seems to be new norms, identities torn, while premies or still born, still born rips holes in hearts, cold hearted, tombstones, RIP rip. In Peace we rest, Chakras stones, no clones, hearts shattered and crack like real bones, ghost mode how quickly they departed, ignored phone calls, blocked numbers and dial tones.

Why now we wonder, how then it thunders, rainstorms from no where, no clouds were there, what now, sunshine was shining, now hail stones clatter, no matter, matters, just wet tissues, from lack of trust issues, winds blows, louder than coach whistles. As the wind whistles, bones become bristles, as skin fizzles, damn man's best friend suddenly, mistaken for a weasel, electric trucks become new airplanes, no diesel, this must be the new heaven and new earth, with branded new people.

Brand new people, elders were crucified, Black History month abolished, sacrifices from our ancestors now polished, it's amazing the modernized concepts, from the neighborhood corners we learned to progress, convenient stores became the new congress, congrats, how much money and drugs have love learned to process, success dressed up in cars and status, statues of our favorite actors, reaction of actions from the real Freedom Fighters, where street substances replaces History subject matters, no subtitles and small captions, small rations, becomes irrational, irrationally pilot simulations, auto pilots, no longer spiritual, habitual, repeated offenders, offending our nationality, naturally what else are our adolescents supposed to do, in a false reality, who shows them what's true, even then who will still listens, who judges the judges, Jesus for Muslims or Allah for Christians, this is the purest love story, when lies no longer guides the truth, Take notes if you need to, if not at least allow me to have your undivided attention.

No need to digress, progress, equals progression, so don't stop me now, can't stop me, so let me continue, Pause Now, Hold Me Up, stop holding me down. Lift me up, stop throwing me around, fast forward to our new holy ground, with holy fields, holy mountains, where we can finally be thankful now. Yoyo your perceptions of my brown skin, born again mentally, my mentality, is aggressive, but no fist needed to attack you physically, because my tongue, speaks in tongues, different languages accompany my companies, so leave your miserable thoughts alone with your misery, History becomes my story narrative, not narrating a chapter in his story, conflicting viewers, views my culture with changing viewing lens, where did this love cycle begin, what values and morals comes with a prenup, before we even Learned to be friends, because public assistance, from associations associating with my neighborhoods associates, doesn't seem too legal, majority of all places I eat at, aren't even legit, mostly foreigners, who receive stolen goods, while returning counterfeited money to hands that's banks signed off behind closed doors, late parties with low risk.

It's crazy the secrets we love to learn, then forget to share, the care we learned to leverage with levers that only goes one way, we stay in situations we learned to adjust, with invisible chains, words for batons, as we embrace domestic violence, sirens never appear, as we love to share silence.

Lambs of Silence, we reverse movie roles, actors or presently directing, while directions are being improvised, compromised, then televised, telling lies, but selling truths, we buy as movie tickets, extra.. extra .. don't read all about it, watch it without commercials, no need to stop for advertising, big bank swallows little bank, only the wealthier survives, survivors are auction off to islands, where fear factors conquer gladiators, Lost we become as American idols become commons day scandals, scandalous we wear like flip flops and sandals, this is modern day pimping, no backpage needed, only fans becomes fans, becoming your every day convenient convenience convincing conduits to continue to convey thru guarded canals with specialized special forces convoys, so specialist are now outdated and underrated, one needs more than PHD no common bachelor degree, at least Masters for the master, as we regress back to the original topic, Associates!