The Vampire Detective

Chapter 2

Two

Something dug into the soft flesh of my face, causing screeching stabs of pain through me.

"Gerroffme," I murmured, still in the claws of sleep.

Claws. That's what it was.

I opened my eyes, finding the black monstrosity looking down at me. Or it would be, if it had any eyes. Because not only did it turn out I now had a cat I didn't want or need, but I had a blind cat I didn't want or need. One that would require extra looking after.

"I don't know what you're so smug about, Jester. I can barely look after myself."

The thing purred, and I found my heart softening a little bit. Oh no. No, no, no. This would not do. I was a vampire, not a witch. I didn't need anything as cliché as a black cat following me around. To be honest, I didn't even know where that stereotype had come from. Witches didn't even exist, so it wasn't like they created the image for themselves.

Unlike vampires. We'd cultivated our image carefully over hundreds of years and it had worked so well that now no one would believe me when I accidentally revealed I was one.

Jester curled up into a ball beside me. Hmm. That wasn't so bad. It was almost comforting. Almost. I wasn't about to admit that out loud to it though. I should really work out if it was a boy or a girl too.

Eurgh. Why couldn’t the cat have come with instructions attached? Even something as simple as 'feed twice a day. Congrats, it's a girl," would have been better than this mystery.

It didn't move and I took the opportunity to close my eyes and go back to sleep. As soon as I did that, Jester got to its feet again and started pawing at the spot right next to my head.

"Right, we're going to the vet," I threatened, throwing back the covers and jumping to my feet. I wasn't normally a morning person, but that thing was changing my mind.

But how was I going to actually get it to the vet? It wasn't like I had all the gear that went with owning a cat. Should I just put it back in the box it arrived in? That almost seemed cruel, but at the same time, did I have another option?

Oh, wait, I did. There was a huge handbag William had sent because he thought women liked those things. Maybe some even did, but I wasn't the kind to wheel a suitcase around with me everywhere I went. It might take some doing to get the cat in the bag, but once it was, I figured that would do.

All I needed to do now was catch it. How was this my life? Twenty years ago I was just a highborn vampire girl doing highborn vampire girl stuff. I should have just sucked it up and dealt with drinking blood from a china teacup while making small talk. At least then I wouldn't be chasing a cat around the room.

Ah, fish. I had some in the kitchen cupboard. Though come to think of it, there was a chance it had gone off. Only one way to find out though.

I sneaked out of the room, shutting the door softly behind me, hoping it would work to keep the cat in there and not let it roam around the house unattended. I didn't think Grandmother would react too well to suddenly finding the fluffball in her home.

The kitchen was dingy, probably due to the early hour. I wasn't normally awake at this time and for good reason. Eleven in the morning was a good time for me. One in the afternoon was even better. Vampires might not need to avoid the sun, but we definitely tended to be more nocturnal by nature.

I went to the cupboard next to the fridge, sure there was a tin of sardines in there. Routing through the dusty cans, I pulled out the rectangular box. "Huh, still in date and everything."

It was only when I was part way up the stairs again that I realised it might not be the best idea to go waving fish around my bedroom. Maybe I should have let the damned cat follow me after all.

I slipped back into the room, already resigned over what I had to do. At least I was up early enough to put some laundry on if I needed to. Eurgh. The day was just getting worse with each thought.

My nose wrinkled at the salty smell of fish the moment I peeled back the lid. "Here, kitty, kitty. Come get some delicious fish." Ick. I was going to have to sound a lot more convincing if I wanted the cat to listen to me. "It's super tasty. Yum, yum, yum."

It hissed from under the bed.

"What do you want then?" I sighed loudly. I didn't even know what cats were and weren't allowed to eat, and my phone was the other side of the bed. Without doing some kind of acrobatics, I was never going to manage to get over there.

It crawled towards me, clearly wary about what I was holding. I didn't blame it. I wasn't too sure about the fish either, but it was definitely going on my never buy again list. Even if it had been appetising before today, I would have changed my mind.

I set the tin down, hoping there weren't any sharp edges that it would cut its tongue on. Oh no. Now I was starting to care for it. This wasn't good. Maybe I should see if the vet knew of somewhere I could rehome the poor thing. It deserved someone to love it and who actually knew how to look after it.

Yes, that was what I'd do. Surely he'd know someone and then we'd all be laughing. And Jester would have a proper home, not an old ornate manor house with two cranky vampires. If I hadn't had to live in an old ornate manor house with two cranky vampires, then I wouldn't. Even if I was one of the aforementioned blood munchers.

“Well?” I scoffed, glaring at the black monster. “Don’t you like sardines?”

“Meow?” Jester shot me a confused look, the question clear on its face.

“What? What do you want?” I asked, as if articulating would somehow make it understand my exhaustion.

What was I supposed to do with a cat that wouldn’t let me sleep in and wouldn’t eat? Where were the instructions for this thing? What about a receipt so I could return it?

Oh, that was not a bad idea. Maybe the box it came in had some type of instructions on how to deal with this blind cat. Did they need special care?

“So stupid,” I muttered, grumbling down the hall with Jester in tow, following me on the heel. If I wanted a pet, I’d have got one myself.

I grabbed the box Jester came in from by the door and rummaged through it. Some old newspaper from last month and a little squeaky mouse toy without a tail.

“Useless.” I stared at my new roommate, softening a little as it looked cutely back.

“Prrr?” Jester flicked its tail up and rubbed against my leg, purring heavily as it curled into a little melted heap of fur.

“What are you looking at?” I frowned, crouching down to tickle its belly. Soft, surprisingly warm, and lightly vibrating. Fluffy. “I guess you’re kind of cute…”

“Meowww.”

“Fine, you can stay. For now!” I wagged my finger, hoping it would understand that this meant it wasn’t out of the woods just yet. How intelligent were those creatures anyway? Did they understand commands? “Sit!”

Jester looked at me, its head tilted curiously to the side. “Prrr?”

“Right then… What do you want? Some milk? A cookie?”

Careful not to step on it, I walked back to the kitchen to rummage back through the cupboards for anything it might like. Apart from some old crackers and a block of cheese that had been here when I moved in, there wasn’t much else edible in there.

“Aha! What about some tuna?” The metal lid shrieked and released a fishy smell that was way too strong for so early in the morning. I definitely needed to wash that away with some scalding hot coffee.

But first, I needed to get this cat silent so it would leave me alone.

“Tuna?” I held the can out, excited when Jester took a sniff.

“Meow.” It swished its tail in a shrug-like manner and wandered off without giving me a second look.

“Well, that’s grand!” With my tuna in hand, I glared at the cat strutting through the manor like it owned the place. Effortless, it jumped up on the window sill and curled into a ball on the thin stripe of sun.

“Fine. Don’t eat.” I clonked the can down in a corner of the kitchen where Jester could reach it whenever it wanted. If this was how it wanted to play, I’d play. It wasn’t the only stubborn creature around.

If I was going to survive this day, I needed coffee. Hot, black, and a bucket of it.

Sleep still warred in my eyes as I flicked the kettle on and grabbed my grinder and filters from the cupboard. Even the smell of freshly roasted coffee beans was enough to cheer me up, especially when they released all their aromatics in the grind.

I heaped a tablespoon of ground beans into the filter and nestled it on top of my mug. With a splash of hot water, I watered the grind so it would release all its delicious flavour.

Coffee was one of the few things that satisfied my appetite, beyond the necessary drink of blood. In the hundred years that I’d been isolated from the human world, some big and fancy machines came onto the market. Or so Derek had tried to explain to me numerous times.

They brewed coffee in seconds and spouted it out in shots. Scary. I didn’t understand it and I didn’t want it. It was too loud, too shiny, and it didn’t fit my morning ritual.

The shrieking of my grinder, the tentative watering of the ground beans, and finally, a freshly brewed cup of coffee.

With a satisfied smile, I slurped from the top. That first taste was just the best. The bitter notes, the tangy aroma, the faint hint of burnt chocolate. So complex and simple at the same time. Heaven in a mug.

“Now that’s the life.” I nodded to myself, sliding onto one of the kitchen bar stools and taking a moment to enjoy my morning. It wasn’t so bad to be up early after all.

The world was still asleep and hadn’t gotten to its usual clamour of honking cars, screaming children, or grumbling people. It was quiet, peaceful, undisturbed.

How long would I get to enjoy the silence until someone bothered me?