Chaos and Conjurations

Chapter 1-3

“Take me, then,” he tried to bargain with the horrible things that didn’t exist beyond his nightmares. “Do whatever you want to me. Just leave him alone. Please. Leave Theo alone.”

This time, when they said, But why would we do such a thing? in reply, the words came out of Theo’s mouth and in Theo’s voice. Why would we want someone as useless as you when we can have someone like him?

“I’m…” Henry shook his head. Tried to find better words than, “I’m not useless,” and failed.

You are a liar, Captain. Theo, or this conjured version masquerading as him, appeared crouched mere inches away from Henry in the odd way of dreams, without first vanishing from sight. He touched Henry’s chin with the tips of his fingers, coaxing Henry’s gaze up to meet his eyes, and pulled his lips into an unsettling smile. You lie and deceive. You fail. You could not protect them. You could not protect yourself. You could not even protect him.

Chin trembling, Henry attempted to maintain eye contact with this imitation that looked both exactly like Theo and nothing like Theo. Within a moment, he had to look away.

“You’re not him,” he said. “You’re not. Theo would never say such things. He’d never think them. He loves me.”

“Oh, Henry, Henry, Henry.” Dream-Theo, Fake-Theo, said this one aloud, and petted a hand over Henry’s head, so very much like his Theo did. Instead of feeling good or comforting, it felt all wrong. Cruel. Cold, even. “Are you sure he loves you?”

No. No, of course Henry wasn’t sure. He had been before…well. Before.

Theo had said the words back to him. More than once. Right now, Henry needed to believe in those words more than anything. He needed to cling to the hope that their love, no matter how quickly it bloomed between them, could endure this.

One thing Henry knew with absolute certainty was that he’d given Theo his heart and could never take it back.

“Even if he doesn’t,” Henry whispered, lifting his gaze to find the imposter’s once more, “I’ll be whatever he needs me to be. Even if that means leaving my heart with him. And you’re not him. You’re not him. You’re. Not. Him.”

Henry, nearly toppling off the footstool, jerked awake with a painful gasp just in time to snatch the vase of flowers out of the air before it crashed to the floor.

At least that was the only thing he’d disturbed tonight. Except maybe…

In the bed, Theo groaned softly and stirred, his eyebrows drawing together and eyes squeezing tighter before fluttering open. Theo normally woke with his mind ready to tackle the day. Plans made. Organized. Not with this cloudy look in his eyes or the confused expression, his gaze flicking to Henry as if attempting to figure out what changed.

“H-Henry?” Theo blinked a few times, rubbing the heel of his hand against his eye. “Is it…morning?”

That, Henry did not know the answer to just yet. He glanced at the window over his shoulder to see a tinge of gold in the distance. Not quite morning, then.

“No,” he whispered, cupping a hand to Theo’s cheek. “Not yet. Go back to sleep, love.” Henry leaned in close to press a kiss to Theo’s brow. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

Instead of settling back against the pillows to get as much rest as possible before he needed to be out of bed, Theo pushed himself up and looked Henry over. Henry recognized the look in his eyes. A puzzle, right in front of him, that needed putting together. He searched Henry for the pieces to make the full picture.

“Have you slept, Henry?”

“Of course.”

An unfair tactic Henry had used during his days as a spy. No need to tell Theo how little or restless his sleep had been. Never offer more information than necessary. He told himself the same thing he did during the war; this was more important than the absolute truth. He might not have been trying to protect the country this time; he was trying to save the world. His world, anyway.

“What’s wrong, then?” Theo asked. “What is it?”

“Why would anything be wrong?”

Another unfair tactic. Answer a question with a question. This one was met with a look of doubt and suspicion. Henry had one more to try and once again tried telling himself it was for even better reasons than in the past. Which was the only reason he could bring himself to smile. A smile he hadn’t used in quite some time. The very same one he’d used to catch someone’s attention across a crowded room. Charm tucked in the corners. Innocence in his eyes. People followed him into beds, invited him into their own, because of that smile.

After a few moments, the tension melted out of Theo’s shoulders and he smiled back, trusting Henry, believing in that deceitful look. While he only meant to reassure Theo with it this time, something foul lingered in the back of his throat. He’d never wanted Theo to see this expression, no matter how well-meaning Henry wanted it to be.

“What are you doing over there?” Theo asked with a yawn. “Were you watching me sleep?”

“Ah…” Cheeks warming, Henry chuckled. “Sorry. How’s your head?”

As if the question reminded Theo of the perpetual ache rattling around, he pinched between his eyes and sighed.

“Not as bad as you’re imagining,” he said. “Though I’m thoroughly convinced I can tell you that until I run out of air and you still won’t believe me.”

The expression he turned on Henry next—somewhat scolding, somewhat playful—made Henry shrink slightly into his shoulders. Captain of His Royal Majesty’s Army, former spy and aide de camp to the Duke of Wellington, Royal College of Wizardry graduate, and one fiercely teasing look from the College’s youthful librarian was enough to make Henry want to run and hide and be found so long as Theo did the finding.

“Wh-what?”

“I need something from you, Henry.”

“Anything,” Henry replied, scooping Theo’s hand in both of his. He kissed the top of his knuckles and hoped with all his heart Theo understood how much he meant that. Anything. Absolutely anything. “What do you need?”

“I need you to return to this bed so that I may hold you in my arms for a little while longer.” He patted the open space on the mattress. “Before Dom comes in grumbling.”

A wet chuckle rumbled through Henry’s chest. Better than a wet, shaky cough. He wiped an arm across his eyes. He wasn’t entirely sure where the tears came from. Perhaps the warmth of Theo’s desire to hold him. Theo Burnett, he decided, was too good for this world. Henry didn’t deserve him.

“He has been a bit more surly since Linnet left, hasn’t he?” Henry hadn’t met the College’s newest junior physician before the current disaster; he had now, and approved. Linnet could not only put up with but outright soften Dominic’s legendary grumpiness, which was something of a miracle; unfortunately, at least one of the College physicians was needed back at, well, the College, and Dom had announced a complete lack of plans to leave Theo unstudied.

“They do seem to bring out a softer side to him.” Theo smiled sleepily and touched the empty side of the bed again. “Come on now, Captain. Into bed with you.”

Orders, from his Theo. Henry couldn’t not grin as he got to his feet. “Yes, Theo.”

“Er—actually,” Theo said, “would you mind terribly first moving that flower pot slightly to the left?”

“The flower—oh.” The one that’d almost shattered when Henry first woke. He’d hastily dropped it back on the windowsill. “Of course. Better?” No. He could tell by the way Theo’s jaw tightened, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. Henry moved the vase a bit more. “How’s that?”

The tension in Theo’s jaw eased and even before he nodded, Henry knew it was better now. He liked the idea of understanding Theo’s subtle changes in body language, as much as he could, as much as he was allowed.

“Yes, much,” Theo said. “Thank you.” He held his hand out. “Come back to bed, Henry.”

Henry tangled his fingers with Theo’s, and Theo first tugged him close for a kiss and then guided him back into bed. Once there, he slipped into Theo’s open arms, burying his face in his chest, breathing in the crisp clean scent he’d recognize anywhere. Those arms tightened around him. Lips pressed a soft kiss to his hair. Fingers traced patterns between his shoulders.

“Theo?”

“Yes, Henry?”

There were so many words floating through Henry’s mind. Too many. They all gathered in his throat fighting to come out first. He wanted to confess how terrified he really felt. For both of them. He wanted to apologize for lying no matter how small those lies were. He wanted to beg him to never leave his side because with Theo at his side he could face the rest of it no matter how perilous it became.

Henry could only manage to say one thing and hoped it was enough to convey the rest.

“I love you, Theo,” he breathed.

Theo hummed and rested his cheek in Henry’s hair. “I love you, too, Henry.”

Predawn bled into dawn, and Henry would give anything to cling onto the moment forever. Before they needed to be up. Before they bade his family farewell. Before they returned to London and the College and whatever waited for them.

Before everything changed.