Ya Amar (My Moon)

Twenty four

Zahra placed the bouquet of flower as gently as she could into my waiting hands. I stared at the small white petals that were as pure as anything I knew. The basket of apple blossom was one of my favourite. I was not expecting flowers and who had they come from? There was no special occasion or anyone to gift me flowers. I looked at Zahra who stood eagerly, her twinkling eyes smiling at me with a little curve of her rosy lips.

Words hanged in the busy air of the kitchen. Zoya bhabi looked at me then at her daughter before looking at Sahibah bhabi who had the same shocked expression on her face. They were not happy. I could tell from the dullness in their eyes and coldness in their smiles. Their husbands' pain seems to also be their pain. I do not know how it feels to know your younger sister is pregnant for some bastard and feel as if it was your fault that you had not protected her enough.

Zoya bhabi's pregnancy was good. Those were her words. She said she had never felt so good throughout her previous pregnancies. The morning sickness, craving and mood swings were not terrible except her sense of taste and smell seemed so awful. The perfumes she used had been changed because some of them smelt like rotten egg or spoilt food. Her type of food had changed because the ones she loved suddenly had a different taste on her tongue. Those were just the issues in her third pregnancy. Surprisingly, she was eleven weeks gone before she found out.

I was happy with jittering emotions inside me but with what was going on in the house, I dare not show my happy feelings. That evening there was a strange quietness that gave away the sorrow lingering in the house. I do not know whether I had the right to be happy.

The sweet smell of apple blossoms cut through the thick scent of baking bread. Captivated by the beauty of the flowers, I coursed my fingertips gently and tenderly over the petals which felt so soft against my palm.

"Where did you get this?" I asked Zahra, my voice almost inaudible.

"Uncle Amir gave me" she answered, her voice cheerful. I looked away from the flowers to Zahra.

"How can he give you flowers?" I laughed. "He is at work"

"Aunt Noor, he is here at home" she said with affirmation giggling.

My face became blank with confusion. My brain became empty finding it hard to take in the news. My eyes were wide as every muscle in my body became rigid.

"Amir is here?" words came out gently with disbelieve.

"He said you should come to the room now"

I shut my eyes pressing my lips together. He did not say that right? Bowing my head to hide the tingling red on my cheeks I could see from the corner of my eyes that almost everyone in the kitchen had their interest on me including the kitchen staffs that had used the corner of their eyes to look at me.

"Tell him I am busy and return the flowers to him" I thrust the flowers into the confused girl hands.

"You don't look busy" Amir said from behind.

At that moment, I knew there were two options for me. It is either I play hard to please and he ends up doing something that might make me embarrassed or I pull him and lead him to the room. I chose the latter. Grabbing the flowers, I pulled him out of the kitchen throwing a smile at Zoya bhabi and Sahibah bhabi.

"What are you doing home early?" I asked throwing the flowers on the bed.

"Ya Allah habibti albi, you are funny" he laughed walking closer. "Since morning, your replies have been funny. Are you not happy to see me?"

Surely I was happy to see him.

"Your face has become something that cannot make me happy"

"Really?" he raised one of his tapered eyebrows.

"Yes and I am busy in the kitchen" I turned to leave but he took my wrist with a devious smile on his face.

"What are cooks for?" he pulled me closer.

"Wh...what are you doing?" I stuttered, hesitating to be in his hold. My steady heart began to race. Amir smiled his hand moving around my waist creating goose bumps where his hand rested on.

"You look pretty in red" he complemented.

"You have said that before" I tried to not stammer when my body became hot and clammy. The bangles on my wrists danced against each other.

"I love the way the bangles dance on your wrist and the sounds they make" his voice became low and soft as a breeze.

He placed my hand on his shoulder pulling my body closer to his. I felt the heat on my skin increase which was obviously not a good sign. I was angry with him. Why should I feel like this just because of this simple proximity?

Amir stared at me moving closer, the smile on his face rang bells in my fussy head and the gleam in his eyes told me there was something evil going on in his mind. My beating heart did not help calm down my nerves.

"Amir, are you alright?" I asked my voice tensed.

Amir broke into a loud laughter releasing me. My eyebrows came together with a little crease of lines on my forehead. What is funny? Why is he laughing? Do I have anything on my face?

"What's funny?" I asked touching my smooth and spotless face obviously displeased at what he was doing.

"Did you see your face? You looked as if you would....would...." he laughed harder. I squashed the desire to scream. What's so funny?

"You are impossible" I gritted and walked out of the room.

***

It had become a habit to check my mother's picture every morning and night whenever I sat in front of my dressing table. I had just finished getting ready for bed. Like every other night, I pulled out my mother's picture from the top drawer of my dressing table. The silver rectangular frame had flowers carved out of it and stones adorned on the tiny holes. With a little sad smile, I pulled the picture out of the drawer closing it gently as I gazed at my mother's picture.

It was true I looked like her. I was her replica bold feline exact eyes, button nose, full lips, eyebrows, face shape, height, and body structure. Anyone would mistake us for sisters if possible identical twins except she were older and more beautiful. The picture I remembered was taken on one of my cousin's traditional wedding.

Her bold feline eyes framed with long eyelashes shone with joy and peace from her heart. Her lips were curled up into a smile that exposed her pearly white teeth. Her smile was as bright as the sunlight creating light into my world. Her face was as brilliant as the moonlight lightening the darkness in everyone's world. We could be identical but our attitude and personalities were different. I had taken a little bit of her character that side of her that hated been looked down on by people, that part of her that hated been insulted and keep quiet instead reply the person and put him or her in her place.

Last night when I was accused of having something with Aaban, I had hugged her picture to my chest while I cried my heart out. I had cried because I was wrongly accused, I had cried because I felt miserable, I had cried because my husband was not home and I had cried because I missed my mother. After planting a kiss on her photo, I put it away inside the drawer.

There was a deep void in my heart. Thinking about her brought wonderful memories that produced water in my eyes. I stood up wiping away a tear that fell. How much I missed her. I shook my hair moving away the curls that obstructed my view.

The kimono of my nightie fluttered back from the wind coming from the opened balcony. I had trodden into the balcony to be welcomed by the chilly wind of the night. When the bright sky fades away into night, it wakes up a feeling inside my heart. It etches away the feeling of sadness or sorrow in my heart and set the feeling of happiness and peace ablaze. The night means peace and quietness to me. It was the time to feel the beauty of nature. Tiny stars like diamonds on a black blanket were scanty and rare. The moon like a big ball was high in the sky. Its silver glow had been hidden by the luminous lights of the lamppost illuminating the backyard.

The air I took in was cold and tickled my nose making me to sneeze. Air vibrated from my nostrils almost tickling as I buried my face into my cold palms. Raising my head up, I saw Amir sitting by the river. The clear water shook to the wind that blew mirroring the sky above. Amir was seated, his legs pulled to his chest and hands wrapped around them. It was obvious that the short sleeve t-shirt he wore cannot prevent him from the cold. I could not see his face clearly but I knew with the way he sat, he was deep in thought. Maybe this was finally the time for me to make him pour out his mind to me.