If my wings could fly

I

'' Don’t be like that ...''

You state to me smoothly, as if I was too credulous to grasp the truth. As if I couldn't see through your lies. You said so much that inconsistencies are formed. You whisper in my ear. But I can’t continue. I cannot live like you, not in that way. In ignorance, in falsehood, in the suffering of silence. And when I try to escape, you always manage to clutch to me. Your words form a jail of guilt that I can’t get rid of. I'm vulnerable, so you utilize it against me. And I assure you that I love you, that it is nothing, that it can continue. May we continue... I sink into my own lie. I feel like a different person when I'm with you, not in the right way, though. I become the same monster you try to hide in your back. I distort myself; you corrupt and frighten me. I no longer recognize myself when I’m with you.

'' Do not be like prey.''

You sing in my back, no one overhears me, yet I cry for help. I want you far from me, but you do not go away, you do not understand. I do not require your help. I want to go back to loneliness, I want to find my smile again. You take me for an i***t who doesn’t understand, I know where you go when you leave this place... I know who you see when it isn’t me. And even though I strongly encourage you to spend time with them, I know they are not good influences, and I recognize the potential you could give if you wanted to urge you. But you simply refuse to advance towards the unknown, you remain crouched in the darkness and the past. Refusing the help and light that one might permit you. You do not invest any effort, no, never, for you it suits any purpose.

You pretend so much now that I do not know what to expect from you, must I trust you or started to move away, like the others? But every time I try to leave, your memory is on my way. Your smile obliged me to retrace my steps. I can’t get out of your trap. Nobody hears me, nobody comes to help me escape. I want to get away from everything, away from you, but I can not. Leave me, stay away from me. Prevent me from suffering in a loop, prevent me from feeling the feeling of your presence. My own lies mingled with yours choke me, engulf me. I cannot breathe when you are there.

You crush me. You try trapping me in solitude. Your words on my entourage hurt me, yet I do not want to leave them. They tell me I deserve better, but I do seem unready to listen to them for good. Your offensive remarks on me are camouflaged by a thousand compliments, I forgive you, but I do not forget any of them.

I want to find my innocence, to regain the lost path I want to leave away from everything that comes close to you, but I can not, I am vulnerable, you utilize it against me. You use your power to manipulate me. I am a puppet at the end of your son. You manipulate me as you desire and I let you do, I do not have the strength to stop you. I preferred seeing you turn your back and continue your way rather than knowing you in my back to watch me advance, a few steps behind me. I am caught in a lie that I let myself choke on purpose, too cowardly to stop everything. After all, the first few times did not work...

I know you by heart. I know your maneuvers, yet nobody discerns what I see. They always say to take it for me, but I know that that too is a lie. You seem so good to them, they do not suspect the double game you play. Your lies are thoughts reflected. You don't often make mistakes but when you do it is only with me. And I do not do anything to make you understand I know. I play the idiots to make you happy, to make you think you are in control, because ' you miss so much'...

Your presence stifles me, I do not know what to do to avoid you, all that I do come back to my face, your mockery — which you say love — hurts me more deeply than anyone could know. I do not show my emotions often, but these, those who perceive them say they do not make sense. 'I love you after all, no.' For them it is a more than logical explanation, for you, it is a promise. You frighten me. I can not move, stiff like a statue, I panic inside. My brain tries to gather thousands of scenarios to block you away, but my loved ones always resonate and I finally give in. I am vulnerable, I can not fight against them, so I bend to your demands that you outstrip my desires. Your lies lie in my reality, they mingle with my life my truth- until I can not make the difference.

They tell me I do not care, that I am only uncertain, they do not understand what I mean because, for them, you are perfect. Jealousy burns me, I would like him to see me as I really am, your lies blind and I possess not the strength to fight against them. So I try to smile. My smile, I hate it. And I fall a little more into the lies you tell. I would like to fight, but every time you deny and argue, in the end, I can not find anything to communicate, words do not want to go out. I think it's foolish. My patience at its limits, I save it and calculate my time, I accumulate the grains of strength and the crumbs of mistakes you make. When I hit, it will be when you least assume it.

I would strike like an electric storm, and perhaps I would have the power of a tsunami. For my angelic smile conceals the determination of a monster to defeat his enemy. I would strike until you collapse and I will defeat you.

My weakness grants me time to plan my exit, to swing my sayings and strengthen them. For my innocent acts do not prevent my intelligence, and it is on this strategy that I look. I'm tired of suffering in silence, I need help, but nobody wants to ease me. I have no one to turn to ... then I will fight alone.My points are not the strongest, so I will use my brain. My intelligence and my patience will no longer be set aside. They will be the most used.

I establish my plans, taking into account all the lies. Yours and mine confused to give a grotesque story. You keep on lying, tried to hold me back, but I can’t endure it anymore. I can not breathe. The lies from a black screen around me, yet I have never been so illuminated. I utilize them at will, your lies turn against you, and you do not know how to return them to me. You make more and more mistakes, you take me for granted. But I have never been so free from my actions.

You think you know me, but your reaction will be filled with surprise. You try to fight, to reason with me, but I've heard enough. My idea is made, my decision is made. You can not transform it. And you cry and storm. You get carried away and furious. You ask friendship, I know you're looking for more. I'll permit you to do it. I like seeing you suffer. It gives me a little power, my esteem goes back. You do not seem to believe the messages I send you and you redouble your efforts. It's up to me to be powerful. You portray the martyrs. I know you too well to do it. You make more and more mistakes, I stand up to my superiors. My decision is made, I do not want anything more to do with you. I want you in my past, and not in my this moment. They are still trying sounding me, but this time I will not move. I've had enough of a lie to no longer want to go on with you.

I am free from my movements. I can breathe freely. I steal without constraint. I cut the bridges, the detachment, you exasperate me. You're trying too hard making it real. Your lies violently return to you in the face, now they too are understood. They know you in your true face, and I can only congratulate myself on letting them grasp the truth. I like seeing you suffer as I have suffered. I have done justice to myself. I did not need anyone to detach you from me, and I'm proud of it. You will never crush me with your lies again. I'm free like the air.