IV
811 Words
During the sleepless nights, I like thinking about the many things I could say to the moon. If of course, she was someone I could talk to. Sometime it would appear like a messy handwritten letter, other time I find myself in front of a neatly written paper. I like to think about how you’d look, in the moonlight, just like the one that is shining tonight.
I like to imagine you, tall and broad, with brown eyes, like two chocolate lakes. I imagine what it would be like to alone in a dark park, on the swing, laughing at a joke you would never think of, I like to think of you as chill and smart, imagining what it’s like to not be the oldest. It’s selfish, I know. I just want to know, which it feels like to be taken care of. By someone older, that would love me, because he grows up with me.
I want to be the little one, trying to guess where the bird is hiding, with you. Where are you? I need you. It feels so stupid right now, I can’t help but want to cry. I just guess the image and me there of you here. You and me… under the moon. And want to wait, during the sleepless night the red of the morning with you. Take a step, another step, be near you. I want to feel the warmth of you. Be able to hug you. I want to look at the sun setting down, holding hands with you. But my thought might disappear if I sleep ‘till the moon falls asleep. The dark blue of your shadow might disappear too.
Even if you were here, I guess I would have stayed the same. Because I would have been yours. You would have been the only one able to call me yours. Still walking down the halls had down and the crown of my hairs, the light of the sun would still sometime suffocate me, and I would still feel like the world wants me naked. Vulnerable.
Still, I can’t help it, while there is no one around, I like to think of you, imagine you. Even if you aren’t here with me. But I guess I should thank you. Even if I sometimes cry, as your not here, around me, in my life. Even if sometimes the thought of you is enough to shatter my heart and souls, and even if sometimes I wish you were here instead of me. Under the moon, I swear, that I’ve never felt so close to you. I’ve hidden my feelings for so long now, it’s kinda hard to get them out. Even if I know you won’t say anything. I just can’t stand to lie anymore. I have to say it out loud.
I sometimes wish you would be here instead of me.
Deeper, deeper in the night, the wound just seem to get bloodier. I cry, cry, so late in the night. I feel like pieces of glass, ready to shatter at any moment. I can’t erase it anymore. Sometimes I wish you would have to take my place, maybe my heart wouldn’t ache anymore. I want to stop feeling so useless. I want answers. Tell me, who has no more hopes, how to feel alive once more. Why did you let me take your place? I give you my place, I’m sorry. Take my place and live, which I can’t seem to do right.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry my brother, I wish selfish things that you never had. I’m sorry, I’m sorry once again, but I sometimes feel like I would be better off this place. Deeper, deeper in the night, the wound just seem to get bloodier.I cry, cry, so late in the night. I feel like pieces of glass, ready to shatter at any moment. I can’t erase it anymore. Sometimes I wish you would have to occupy my place, maybe my heart wouldn’t ache anymore.
My heart is still tender and trembling, cold and aching. I want to feel alive once again, instruct me, why did you flee this world, don’t you want to exchange places? I guess it’s my punishment for a living. I can try hiding it if urged me to do so. I wish you could answer my prayers. Even if I try making, it disappears, I won’t heal easily. Please, help me to dry my eyes!
Please advise me, tell me tonight, with the moon as our witness, let the moonshine illuminate your words!
- Writer
