Cruel thin lines

Epilogue 2

It had been six months since that first kiss in the hallway of the hotel room and although after that weekend they had seen each other practically every day, they had only lived together for a weekend. Nicholas was eager to take that step, he wanted it to be their bed every night, and he wanted to be able to wake up with the scent of her skin to see her sleep at any time of the morning, any day of the week.

“You’re thoughtful... Is something wrong?” asked Eve as she munched a piece of toast.

Nicholas looked at her, and without too much detour, as he usually did, he answered.

“Every time I tell you to stay at home, you put me off... you avoid even staying for a whole weekend, I want you here every day with me... then, I’ll return the question: does anything happen?”

Eve sensed that the moment was imminent and her premonition was not mistaken.

“Nick... I...” She hesitated and cleared her throat while resting the cup on the plate. “I don’t know if I’m ready to live together.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to live together,” he repeated, sarcastically modulating and making a gesture of disapproval. “Am I dating a silly ass, Eve?”

“You’re such an asshole!” she said, rising from the table almost violently.

“Don’t you think we’ve already waited too long to be able to be together?” he shouted while Eve disappeared down the hall and heard a door knock.

She knew she was reacting badly, but she was reacting to his sarcasm. It was true that she didn’t feel fully ready, but she hadn’t had time to explain anything to him either.

She put on her boots and went back to the living room; she silently took her purse, her jacket, her car keys and looked at Nicholas, who was too serious, carefully observing each of her moves.

She rested her hands on the back of the chair facing him and in a second she thought again. She had thought of leaving just like that, but in her private sphere she knew that she would make the same mistake again, so she breathed and spoke.

“I am very clear that I am thirty-eight years old... I am also very clear that we waited too long...” She paused briefly and continued. “I know it was my fault, yes, I do know... because I didn’t want to listen to you in time...” the tears in her eyes began to flow and her voice broke, “but the fact that I don’t feel ready to live together has nothing to do with you, it has to do with me... with me and my eternal insecurities... with me and with this fear of a new failure, with this anguish of knowing that I can’t give you a family...”

“Obviously I’m failing at something, I thought I made you feel safe. Besides... I’m not Fabrice. Don’t you dare compare me! I don’t deserve it!”

“No! I feel safe with you... it’s not that...” After a long silence; they looked at each other, but not challenging each other, but trying to connect with that visual communication they used to have. “I’m just asking for time... I want this to work, really, Nick...”

“What do I do? How can I help you, Eve?” He asked and stood up, approaching her with a firm step.

Eve left her keys on the table, took her purse off her shoulder and turned to receive a sweet, tight embrace.

“Let’s go step by step, I don’t want to pressure you, beautiful, but I miss you every night and every morning, every day we don’t see each other... can I propose something to you?” he hugged her.

“Of course,” she replied; and he became more comfortable with that body that was holding her.

“Look, my cousin Maggie is living in London, she invited me to her exhibition, how about we go together? We’ll be there for the opening and then we could wander around for a couple of weeks.”

Eve felt that those arms were all she needed, wherever she went; fear was present, but she had to try. Too much time had already been lost, she also missed him at night and loved to wake up and see him smiling and naughty watching her sleep. He was not Fabrice, which was clear, very clear. Nicholas was everything she had wanted since that boy had appeared in her life when she was just a teenager. During the six months they had been together, they had surpassed by far the possible fantasy, because of the “pending subject”, far from it; he had confirmed that he was the great love of her life.

“I accept...” she felt enthusiastically, her eyes shining and her cheeks blushing. “Being so close to London, I have never been there, I would love to meet Maggie, people always talked about her and I never had the chance to meet her.”

He hugged her and understood that, really, she wanted it to work, his marriage experience had been totally different from hers, and Eve’s hadn’t been easy at all, so he couldn’t blame her, instead he would also have objections and fears.

“Do you know that I love you, Eve? Because I want you to be very clear... not a single doubt about it... there wasn’t, there is or there will be another woman who can make me feel like you do.”

She found that statement so sweet and forceful that her heart beat hard and some tears escaped boldly.

“And I love you. I know that self-pity doesn’t work and it’s bad...”

“Don’t curl up; it doesn’t do us any good.”

“But I can’t stop thinking about how foolish and insecure I was, about the time lost and all the unnecessary pain. If I hadn’t left, I wouldn’t have met Fabrice and I wouldn’t have lost the possibility of being a mother... it hurts... and a lot.”

“My love...” He took her face with both hands and wiped her tears with his thumbs. “I know, but we can’t change what happened, I know it may seem a little simplistic, but I don’t want to waste any more time thinking about what happened or what didn’t happen... maybe, as you said six months ago at the hotel, that wasn’t our moment, let’s keep that, let’s live today and plan for the future. I know that your baby is something that will never stop hurting and you don’t know how much your pain hurts me, but there are so many kids that need love, that if you are willing to adopt, I want a family with you.”

Eve hugged him strongly and promised to leave the past where it belonged; live and enjoy the moment, let things flow and plan a promising future with that man, who understood her, and from whom she never wants to be away again.