Intersex

Chapter 10

"I'm having a baby. Jayden, I'm pregnant... You're gonna be a dad..." I told myself as I stared in the mirror. My eyes were swollen and red. I had been practising for the last hour ever since I came home and hugged it out with Brian.

"I made tea!" Brian called. He had stayed up since last night when I went to Jayden's house because he was worried. He had called in sick for work this morning and stayed home, waiting to hear from me to make sure I was okay.

"Be right there!" I answered. I was standing naked in the bathroom, staring at my body in the mirror. I had lost some weight in the last few weeks and I could see how my body was getting ever so slightly thinner.

I never grew any chest hair in my teen years. Nor did I grow very tall like the other guys. There was an obvious reason why. I was only an inch or two above the average female's height and my hips were somewhat feminine. I never grew any breasts though, which I was thankful for. My lack of boobs didn't stop my chest from getting sore and slightly swollen though.

I poked the left side of my chest and frowned as I felt it ache under my touch. It was a bit swollen and my n*****s felt sore and looked somewhat perky. I cringed at the sight, hating how my body was aching as it changed.

Brian was sitting on the couch with his legs resting next to him. On the table stood a trey with two large cups of steamy tea and a small plate of chocolate chip cookies.

"Do you wanna watch sleepy hollow or interview with a vampire?" He asked as I came into the living room wearing sweatpants and one of my old sweaters. I probably looked better than I felt though.

"Sleepy hollow is just silly..." I mumbled and snuggled up by his butt. He didn't seem to mind so I pulled a blanket over my body to keep warm.

"You did not just say that..." he gasped in an all too obvious fake offended voice. "It's a masterpiece!" He chuckled.

"Fine... I don't feel like watching Kristen Dunst get burned to ashes again anyway..."

"Spoilers!" He wheezed and I poked his stomach as he laughed, making him laugh even more.

"You've already seen it so you already know!" I complained and took the Apple TV remote from him. I scrolled through the movie selection until I saw the gloomy poster with Johnny Depp's face.

"Are you comfortable?" Brian asked as the movie started playing.

"I'm sleepy..." I mumbled and put a pillow by his hip so that I could lay down comfortably. "I might fall asleep..."

"Now that's something I haven't heard before..." Brian chuckled. He pulled the blanket up to my neck and I snuggled into it as I drowsily watched the tv. I had no interest whatsoever in watching the movie. I just wanted to sleep.

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I stretched where I woke up on my bed. I couldn't remember much from the movie last night and assumed that I had fallen asleep before it even really started. I slid out from under the sheets and walked out to the kitchen. It smelled like fried rice and I smiled to myself. Brian was dancing around the kitchen with a set of large headphones on his head. I could only assume that he was listening to Radiohead. Radiohead, Blur or Portishead. That was pretty much all he listened to.

Deciding not to bother him while he cooked, I went back to my room to change. I didn't feel like showering and it was definitely going to be a lazy day. I felt nauseous but it wasn't too bad. This nausea lingered in my head and only slightly teased my throat and stomach. Nothing worse than normal. Actually, it was a bit milder than normal.

As I pulled a pair of skinny jeans on I stopped as I tried to button them. They were looser than normal. Absence of dread washed over me. I knew that I had lost a bit of weight from morning sickness and my picky eating but how on earth could it show this much. I looked down at my stomach and pulled the waist of the jeans out after I buttoned and zipped them up. They usually fit like a glove over my hips and lower abdomen but now there was at least half an inch of looseness as I pulled them out. When I let go they sagged back and rested loosely on my hips.

"Well f**k you too then..." I growled at my stomach. How could a few cells have this much impact on me? The knot growing in my stomach probably wasn't even bigger than a sesame seed. I pulled my phone out and googled what a five-week-old foetus would look like. The images that popped up on my phone had my stomach turning. I rushed to the bathroom, still only wearing my jeans and threw up. Not because I was nauseous but because of what I had seen on my phone. The image of the bony shrimp thing attached to a transparent vain looking thing. The images of mothers holding their miscarried five-week-old shrimp babies. The slimy lump people held in sadness and called beautiful. There was a slimy shrimp inside me. I breathed heavily and leaned my head on the wall. A disturbing thought slipped into my mind and I felt goosebumps sprawling from my skin.

"Brian..." I said as I came into the kitchen after having put on a shirt. He turned around and pulled the headphones off his head. He was frying rice with eggs, carrots, peas and ham. "Do you think a five-week-old foetus has bones?"

He gave me a confused look before his gaze drifted off into space for a second. "I think they have some kind of bones..." he eventually said.

"Okay..." I nodded and poured myself a glass of juice.

"Why?" Brian asked.

"I was just wondering what it would be like to chew one..."

Brian froze at the spot. He went completely silent, stopped stirring the rice and just stared down at the pan with a traumatised expression. I hadn't realised just how absurd and f****d up my thought was until I said it out loud. Our apartment was dead silent. Only the frying rice's oozing was filling the rooms with sound. I slowly sipped my juice, waiting to see who would speak up first. Brian shakily turned his head to me, terribly slowly. His face was pale. His glasses had slipped down his nice as he stared down at the pan and his eyes were wide open.

"Did you... what... did you do something to the baby..?" He stuttered.

I turned my head to him and glared as he stared at me in absolute horror. I wasn't even about to speak, I just waited for him to finish gaping at me.

"Did you eat your baby?" He stuttered.

My eyes widened at his question. "THAT'S WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD?!" I yelled and slammed my fists into his chest. He groaned and backed up as I grabbed his specula and started stirring the rice before it got burned. "Nothing happened..." I growled. "It was just a f****d up thought that popped into my head!"

"So the baby's fine..?"

"Yes." I hissed. He sighed softly in relief and walked up to the stove, taking over the cooking. "Since when do you give a s**t about babies..." I mumbled.

"It's not just a baby..." he mumbled. "It's your baby..."

I took a step back at the thought. I never intended to have kids. This wasn't part of my plan. I was going to graduate, get a good job, fund a nice husband and have a bunch of dogs. That was it, no children involved. But now that plan was ruined and I would be stuck with Jayden for the rest of my life if I didn't do anything about the slimy shrimp in my stomach.

"I feel like I'm gonna be an uncle..." he murmured. "Don't let this affect your decision about wether to keep it or not but... I think you'd be an amazing dad... I'll babysit for free..." he chuckled at the last part and turned to the stove.

"Yeah, whatever..." I groaned. I didn't want to hear any baby talk. I still wasn't completely sure of what I wanted to do. Killing the shrimp would be best for it while keeping it would tie me to a future I didn't want. The world is a shitty place anyway. No one with a sane mind would want to live here.

"Who's the other dad?" He mumbled. I looked up at him, annoyed. "If you don't mind me asking..." he added sheepishly.

I wanted to answer him with a joke but quickly decided against it when I saw how serious he looked. Before I had the chance to speak though, he interrupted me with another question.

"Is it Kennedy?"

I choked on the air and started coughing. I could still taste the bile in my throat. "f**k no!" I yelled. Kennedy was my best friend and that was all I wanted him as. Just the thought of even kissing him sent goosebumps over my body.

"Okay calm down!" Brian shrieked and raised his hands, showing me that he really wasn't feeling up to one of my breakdowns.

"His name's Jayden Marston and he's an engineering major..." I mumbled. His piercing grey eyes flashed in my head and I took a deep breath as I though of what he'd done the other day. "He lives in a fraternity not too far from here and he's kind of a perfectionist..." The rice was scooped onto two plates and Brian nodded as I spoke. He looked genuinely interested which was new.

"That black guy who always helps you to the nurse's office?" Brian asked as he poured a tall glass of juice for me.

"Okay, that's happened twice and how'd you even know about the first time?" I whined as I sat down at the small table.

"Kennedy told me..."

"Of course..." I groaned. Brian's curly, light brown hair was combed back and his dark glasses were resting on his nose. He looked like someone's nerdy dad in an old picture. One day he probably would be too considering how protective he already was of the small shrimp in my stomach.

"Watcha thinking about?" He asked and poked me with his spoon.

"Shrimp..." I mumbled as I chewed on a piece of ham.

"Not the answer I was expecting but sure..."

"Hey, Brian..." I mumbled. My roommate looked up at me and nodded, waiting for my next words. "How do you tell a gay guy that you're pregnant with his kid?"

"Uh..." He stammered for a second, thinking of his answer as he chewed. "That's a good question..." I shot him an angry glare. "Start by telling him about your condition..?" He said, it came out more like a question though and I sighed.

Our small kitchen usually felt a bit crammed but as I sat, slowly chewing my food it started feeling larger. As if the walls were moving away from me to let me breathe for a second. The sun shone through the blinds, leaving a warm but at the same time cold light in our little apartment. One bathroom, one small living room, a tiny kitchen and two crammed bedrooms. I liked our little apartment though, despite its size and messiness. Jayden would've probably freaked out in the small, messy space.

"Oh, fuck..." I groaned as the realisation hit me. I had less than eight months to found a new, bigger and more child friendly apartment if I wanted to keep my baby. "Brian, I'm so fucked..." I whispered. "I'm gonna have to drop out of college and get a bunch of extra jobs..."

"No, you don't!" He insisted and grabbed my hand. "Look, Micah. We can find a bigger place together, I'm staying to help out, okay? I'll be done with school next year and I can get a better job so I'll help out, okay? You can take online classes and I can babysit when you have to go into campus. I'm sure Jayden will help out too..."

"This sucks..." I scooped a big spoon of rice into my mouth and chewed it as I thought of it all. Brian shouldn't feel obligated to help out. He should finish school and leave this hellhole behind to persuade his dreams and find love. "This means that no matter what I do he's always gonna have to be a part of it... every time this shrimp does something he's gonna be there..."

"Shrimp?" Brian asked and raised an eyebrow. "You want shrimp for dinner?"

"No!" I yelped.

Brian pushed his glasses up and gave me what I assumed to be a smile. His eyes didn't exactly mach the movement of his mouth though and his smile looked forced and fake.

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The bus was pretty deserted when I got on. I sat in the front and fought to keep my nausea in check. I wondered if my mom felt this bad when she had me or if it was just because I was 'different' that I felt so shitty.