Intersex

Chapter 5.

My alarm went off at 8 am and I pulled myself out of bed. I hadn't as much as closed my eyes during the night. Brian had already left for his classes and I had the apartment to myself. Usually, that would be a good thing but I didn't want to be alone at the time. I wanted him to be there for me, hugging me and comforting me as only he could. The kind of comfort only a family member could give. I wanted my mom and dad with me. Mom, dad and my makeshift brother.

My stomach hurt quite a bit when I got up, making me realise that I had barely eaten in the last 48 hours. I groaned and pulled my body to the kitchen, stopping at the bathroom to ore before I tugged the fridge open. We had all sorts of things to cook; none of which I was going to put the effort into cooking. I pulled some leftover lasagna out and threw a piece of toast in the toaster. I shoved a piece of the lasagna into the microwave and watched as the plate spun around behind the glass.

"Is this what depression looks like?" I asked the microwave out loud and sighed. The buzzing hum from the microwave was making me sleepy and somewhat distracted from everything else. It was almost hypnotic. With every turn, the lasagna seemed to fall into itself and sag. I pouted in disappointment, it sure looked depressing.

Suddenly the toast popped up from the toaster and the sudden sound and movement made me jump in surprise. I didn't bother looking at the treacherous machine. No matter how many years I had battled its kind, it still managed to frighten me every time it threw the bread out of its captivity. I closed my eyes in annoyance as I thought of all the times I had been startled by the small machine.

Deep in thought, I stopped paying attention to the lasagna in the microwave. I could still hear its humming and see the movement of the plate at the far end of my sight. Tunnel vision. I was seeing in tunnel vision. Was this what my sleep deprivation was doing to me? Causing me to let my guard down and slowly taking away my sight as well as my focus?

The microwave let out a loud and sharp beeping as it told me that the lasagna was done. The beeping too managed to startle me and I glared at the silvery box for what felt like forever until I finally pushed the button to open it. The plate was burning hot and my fingers felt like they were melting as I, as gracefully as possible, threw the lasagna onto the kitchen table. It bounced on the plate and tipped over but nothing fell onto the floor or the table, meaning fewer dishes for me. I glanced at the toaster and growled in annoyance before I pulled the slice out and chucked it onto the counter where I buttered it and took a quick bite.

My first class started in an hour and I was in no hurry at all. Therefore I took my time with my lazy breakfast and poked around in the mushy food. Sure, Brian was a good cook. But I wasn't apparently very good at heating leftovers. The lasagna got so overcooked in the microwave that the edges of the pasta turned stale and crispy while the cheese on top got burnt to a hard layer of crust. The only edible part was the middle which was steamy and only slightly ruined by my microwaving skills. It didn't taste awful, kind of.

Turning the shower on, I waited for the water to get hot before I stepped in. I felt disgusted with my gross body. I could smell the layered sweat and the unbearable stench of vomit that lingered on my face despite the endless scrubbing I had done. Never before had I felt so utterly disgusting. Although the dirt wasn't visible I could still feel how it crawled down my body and slid down the drain while I scrubbed the soap over my skin.

I took an unnecessarily long shower. I probably stayed under the water just staring at the wall for twenty minutes straight. Time hadn't been passing in my head. The only thing moving within my brain were the thoughts that I was unable to shake. Depressing thoughts. Thoughts that did nothing but bring me down further. I was scared. Scared of my decision to not make the decision. My heart thumped in my chest. I was never religious. I never believed in anything bigger than myself or in any entity that was worth my attention. But I did believe in fate and that that is something you shouldn't mess with. I believed that every action in your life can lead to a new one. The butterfly effect had stretched over my life, occupation my brain for as long as I could remember. If fate played a part in my life then whatever happened was supposed to happen and therefore I shouldn't stop it or force anything. I always believed in the multiverse theory. I believed that every decision I make in this world would affect another or create a new universe where I followed a different path; where a different butterfly effect had taken ahold of my future.

⚥ ⚥ ⚥

The college campus was full of people either leaving their classes or attending them. I usually didn't mind crowds but with everything that had happened lately, I felt truly misplaced and uncomfortable. It felt claustrophobic to move around through the packed bodies and I felt the sweat dripping down my back. My classroom wasn't too far away and I couldn't wait to just sit down in my own chair within my own space with my own belongings around me.

The crowds of people all pushed their way through the thin corridor, leaving me no space to breathe. Right as I felt myself starting to overheat with the pressure of having so many people around me a firm hand grabbed ahold of my upper arm and pulled me into a small room. In the brief second of light that glimpsed through the closing door, I saw shelves full of cleaning products and supplies. The door clicked shut as it was locked and I found myself surrounded by pitch-black darkness. The air smelled of synthetic products and I wrinkled my nose at the strong scent. I felt around in the darkness to find whoever had pulled me into the janitor's closet and managers to trip over a bucket.

"Who's there?!" I yelped. I couldn't find the door and my aimless stumbling was quickly causing me to panic.

A quiet click filled the room and I was met by a yellowish wall as the light flickered on. A part of me hoped that I would turn around and see Kennedy standing behind me. But another part of me knew that he wasn't going to be there. Kennedy didn't even have the balls to raise his voice at me. All sorts of scenarios ran through my mind as I thought of the worst possible situations. I was going to be r***d. I was going to be murdered. Molested. Chopped up into small pieces and buried or dissolved in acid. I didn't want to die. Not in a janitor's closet.

I built up the courage and slowly turned around. Two pale grey eyes stared down at me and a shiver shot up my spine, making the hairs on my neck stand up.

"Look..." He began only to be interrupted by me almost immediately.

"Move..." I whimpered. Jayden was standing in front of the door that led out to the corridor, blocking it with his muscular frame.

My interruption did not seem to please him cause he sighed in annoyance and spread himself over the door, blocking the door handle completely. "I know that I'm clean. I literally got tested a few weeks ago and I haven't slept with anyone but you..." He sighed and placed his large hands on my shoulders. As I tried to shake them off he squeezed and I whimpered as he held me in place. "Micah..." he growled. "Tell me when you got tested last and what your results were..."

I was starting to get frustrated. There was no way in hell I was going to answer him with the way he was treating me. So instead I yelled and violently tried to shake his hands off my shoulders. My sudden jerking made him squeeze harder and I was shoved up against the wall behind me, pinned against it as Jayden held my wrists in place with one hand and shoved his other hand over my mouth. My shoulders felt bruised and achy where they were pressed against the hard wall. I licked his hand in an attempt to get him to move it. Instead, he smirked.

"That's just gonna turn me on..." He snickered and slowly moved his hand away. "Now answer. I don't want to be late for class..."

"I have never gotten tested before but I know that I'm f*****g clean now let the f**k go of me it f*****g hurts!" I yelled, not holding back on the swearing as I tried to get my hands free from his grip.

"Well then guess what we're doing after our classes..." he mumbled and pinched the bridge of his nose.

I felt my legs tremble under me as my throat tightened. Being around him made me feel vulnerable and uneasy. I didn't want him to be so close to me. I could still play god and make the decision that I didn't want to make. Then again. I had decided to not make the decision. Or maybe I had already managed to make the decision. The pill had been inside me for a brief amount of time and maybe, just maybe I had managed to do some damage. My heart sunk. Why was I feeling so incredibly guilty? I hadn't actually done anything yet, right?

"I'm sorry... did I scare you?" Jayden asked and reached out for me where I had fallen to the floor. I smacked his hand away and looked up at him with my teary eyes. I could tell that his heart sank too.

"I hate you..." I whispered before I shot off the floor, turned the lock hastily and threw the door open. I needed to get to class.

⚥ ⚥ ⚥

Jayden grabbed my wrist as soon as he saw me leaving the building and pulled me into his car. He threw the door shut and locked his car before stomping around and quickly unlocking it and getting in before I could get out. I felt like a bird in a cage. The lock to the passenger door clicked and I looked at the parking lot outside the window. I hadn't seen Kennedy in any of our classes and I was getting worried. He never missed class. One time he showed up with a high fever and insisted on staying because he didn't want to fall behind.

He drove us to a clinic and I got tested for multiple different STDs and STIs. After that, he drove me home in silence, not even looking at me.