Intersex

Chapter 4.

I stayed in bed all of Saturday and half of Sunday. Calling in sick to avoid going to work. If sleeping had been difficult before it was literally impossible now. All I could do was stare at the ceiling and pretend to sleep whenever Brian peaked inside my room. Every six hours or so he would come into my room with a new plate of food that I wouldn't touch. I wasn't even hungry. He was probably worried about me, but he would just have to be worried for a while longer while I tried to get myself back together. The anger was the only thing that kept me from breaking down completely. The anger held me together as I tried to build myself up again. A deep fear lingered like a shadow behind me. Every time I let my guard down it would creep into my thoughts and stir me up all over again.

"Okay, kid..." Brian sighed as he came into my room around noon. "I think you've been enough of a shut-in... you're coming to the grocery store with me..."

"No, I'm not..." I mumbled. My voice was weak and raspy. I sounded like a sleepy smoker.

"Come on Mickey..." He groaned and pulled my comforter off. I moaned in annoyance and tried to pull it back over me but Brian threw it across the room. "Get up." He ordered.

"Brian, seriously I feel like absolute trash and I don't wanna go outside right now..."

"Then tell me why you're feeling like this. There's gotta be something I can do..." He said and sat down next to me, moving me to the side of the bed.

"I don't wanna talk about it..." I grumbled, hiding my face in my arms as I pulled my knees up to my chest, holding them tightly.

"Did Kennedy do something?"

"No..."

"Did I do something?"

"No..."

"Did something happen at the party?"

"...no..." I stuttered. The tears were burning in my eyes.

"Mickey..." Brian said and nudged my arm. His voice was soft and concerned. It soothed me and I carefully looked up at him, eyes swarming with tears.

"I f****d up..." I whimpered and threw myself against Brian's chest. He embraced me in an instant, holding me tightly as I sniffled.

"What happened?" He cooed.

"I..." The words stopped in my throat where they got stuck, fighting to get out. "I slept with this guy and he..." My hiccuped sob interrupted me and I clenched onto Brian's shirt. Usually, he got mad when I did that since he said that it stretched his clothes but he just rubbed my back.

"He came in you?" He asked.

I nodded frantically against Brian's chest and he rubbed my back. We remained like that for a few minutes before he slowly moved me away from him and looked into my eyes.

"How long ago?"

"I uh..." My brain curled into a ball in my head, refusing to do the math as I shook my head, begging it to start working. "I don't know!" I whimpered. "Friday night..."

"Okay... then it's not too late to take a plan b pill..."

I stopped crying for a moment as Brian mentioned the pregnancy prevention pill. It could be used up until four days after unprotected s*x and I quickly looked up at my roommate. It hadn't even been forty-eight hours yet.

"We're going to the grocery store." I spat and flung myself out bed.

⚥ ⚥ ⚥

I scurried out of the car and sprinted into the pharmacy across the street. It was empty and the young cashier looked up at me with a surprised look.

"Um welcome..." she said and stood up straight, dusting off her clothes and smiling at me.

"Plan b pills..." I panted and walked up to her. My hands were trembling and I leaned on the counter she sat behind as she looked at me with a confused expression.

"Sir? Are you feeling okay?" She asked. She couldn't have been older than twenty-five and her hair was bleached.

"I need... a plan b pill..." I said between exhausted breaths.

"Uh... alright..." She stuttered. "I'll grab a set for you... you just... rest?"

Shortly after she placed a small box in front of me I heard the doors to the pharmacy open with a friendly tone and Brian's voice surrounded me.

"You can't just run off like that!" He complained.

I swiped my card and glared at him while I did so. The annoyed look on his face slowly turned soft and he nodded his head in understanding. Holy s**t I was so grateful for him.

I stepped out of the pharmacy with my small plastic bag. I held the small plastic bag in my hand and walked past him. Wasn't I supposed to feel relieved? I had the solution to my potential problem in my hand yet I felt somewhat melancholy. A heavy ache wrapped around my heart and squeezed. Not metaphorically. I literally felt a pain through my chest as I looked down at the small bag.

"I'm gonna go inside the store... you wanna stay in the car or come with?" Brian asked and gave me a gentle pat on the back.

I stared at the bag. "I'll be in the car..." I mumbled.

⚥ ⚥ ⚥

I pulled the box out of the bag and stared at it for a few seconds. The pastel green box looked almost cheerful as I held it; as if it was mocking me. It honestly enraged me that they made it look so pretty. Pretty colours are for pretty occasions, not for emergency contraception.

Jayden. That f*****g i***t. I couldn't blame him though. His knowledge was that guys couldn't get pregnant. The problem was that I wasn't an ordinary guy.

I pried the box open with my nails and dug out the instructions. They were simple. Just swallow the pill within seventy-two hours after the unprotected s*x. I gulped down a lump in my throat as I looked at the small pill. I didn't know how my body worked. I knew that I had a working uterus pretty much where women had one but its entrance was in my butt. I shivered at the thought. My doctors told me that it was barely detectable if you didn't know exactly what you were looking for and where. Would this even work on me? What would happen if I was actually pregnant? How would that even work out? Would it harm me?

I shoved the pill into my mouth and dry swallowed it. It slowly slid down my throat, painfully scratching its way to my stomach. I coughed a few times before swallowing the saliva I had gathered to try and soothe my achy throat. It didn't work as well as I hoped it would and a nauseating feeling crawled up my neck. It felt like the pill was stuck in my throat even though I knew it wasn't. My mind couldn't reassure my body though and I tried to stay calm as my muscles told me that something was stuck in my throat. Phantom pains? They would disappear eventually. My brain knew better than to listen to them.

The trunk of the car opened and Brian pushed a few grocery bags into it. He hopped into the driver's seat and looked down at my lap, seeing the pastel box and the empty aluminium bubble pack.

"You okay?" He asked.

I wanted to say no. I wanted to tell him that I was scared and that I felt guilty. I wanted to say that I was afraid that the pill wouldn't work but that was also afraid that it would work. What would happen if I were to become pregnant? A part of me wanted to know, another part of me cringed at the thought and started feeling nauseous as I thought of having a child. Me? A dad? Nope. But if I didn't want to have a kid then... why did I feel so guilty for swallowing the pill?

"Yeah I'm fine, I just wanna go home..." I mumbled.

Brian started the car and brought us down onto the street. It was a strangely quiet Sunday afternoon. Usually, teens and families would roam the streets looking for a good way to spend their last day off work. But not a single soul wandered the streets of the small town surrounding the university. The only people we drove past were an old couple and some guy who was out jogging. As I thought about it, it reminded me that the pharmacist too had been surprised to see anyone enter her store. Maybe there was a holiday or some event that I was missing.

The grocery store was only a short walk from our apartment but Brian always took the car when he went to buy groceries. Most likely because he didn't want to carry the bags on the way back home.

The strangling ache around my heart slowly got worse as I sat in the car, waiting to get home. I hated it. I hated that it hurt and I hated that I couldn't do anything about it.

"Are you... crying?" Brian stuttered. He had just parked his car outside of the apartment when he spoke. I hadn't realised that I was crying until he mentioned it and so I quickly wiped my tears and got out of the car.

I sprinted into the elevator and slammed the button to the eighth floor. The doors closed dreadfully slowly and for a second I heard Brian running after me with the groceries, calling my name before the thick metal doors enclosed me in the small space that would take me home. I heard the wires work above me as I was pulled up; pulled towards safety. The elevator took off with a mechanic sigh and I leaned against the back wall. I felt nauseous. Nauseous in a nervous way that made my legs tremble. The floors tucked by.

5...

6...

7...

I shoved myself through the elevator door as it reached the eighth floor, fidgeting with my keys by the lock until I finally got it open. I didn't even have the time to take my shoes off before I felt the nausea well up inside me. I flung the bathroom door open, draping myself over the toilet with a pant as the sweat dripped from my forehead. My throat burned as the acid came gushing up from my stomach. I clenched onto the toilet seat, heaving, gagging, coughing and whimpering. The sound of the content of my stomach hitting the small amount of water was disgusting, to say the least. It sounded like someone was pouring overly watery oatmeal down the toilet; probably looked like it too. To be fair, I had only really been drinking water for the last few days so I wasn't surprised.

"Micah..." Brian whispered from the doorway. I looked up at him as I wiped my mouth. The tears were running down my face, soaking my cheeks and neck.

"I can't do it..." I whimpered. "I don't want to make that decision..."

"That's why we got that pill..." he said and gestured to the toilet. "So you wouldn't have to make that choice..."

"I can't... I... I'm probably not even... I mean... it's pretty unlikely... right?"

"I don't know, Micah..."

Those were not the words I wanted to hear. Not in the slightest. My stomach twisted and I flung my head around to the toilet so that I wouldn't throw up on the floor. Brian started rubbing his warm hand over my back in a soothing circular motion.

"Whatever happens... Whatever turns out to be the case... I'll be there for you, okay?" Brian said.

"That's so f*****g cheesy..." I chuckled in the toilet bowl, making my words bounce back into my ears as they echoed.

"We should make mac n cheese for dinner..." Brian absently muttered.

"Yeah, that sounds good..." I slurred.

The tap water splashed over the floor as I tried to wash my face and it neatly triggered another nervous breakdown. I wasn't feeling as nauseous anymore. That feeling had been replaced by a deep sense of regret and disappointment. I wasn't feeling guilty or sad anymore though. It's funny how negative emotions are often replaced by other negative emotions. The darkness often overpowers the light, for no light can shine through all of the darkness.

I stumbled into my room and fell onto my bed. Surrounding myself with blankets and pillows; I let myself slip away into unconsciousness. The sleep was deep and dreamless. Empty.