Eventually I settle on the following:
To His Royal Highness and Her Unholy Pain in the Ass, Lydia,
For what it’s worth, your plan wasn’t the worst idea. It was, however, an absolute miscalculation to think I would just sit here and accept my fate. Really, if you’re going to kidnap someone, you honestly ought to learn a few things about them first. Even though I may look like a helpless damsel, it’s not in my nature to surrender. Please consider doing more research in advance of your next scheme, or I’m afraid you might be doomed to fail again. Losing may be what you’re accustomed to, but if you just apply yourself and put in the work, you’d be amazed at what you can achieve. And while I offer this humble advice for your diabolical schemes out of the goodness of my heart (I do worry that
