The Subtle Way of Letting Go

Chapter 7

“Andi, she left me. Jill left me.” I heard Ethan again saying that. I was speechless for a second. I was taken aback.

“Where are you? Tell me. I’ll go there.” I was panicking while answering him.

“I’m in front of your house. Andi, I need you. I don’t know what to do.” He said while sobbing hard.

“I’ll be there. Don’t go anywhere.” I looked at toby with an apologetic eye. “I need to go. Ethan needs me. I’m sorry.”

“Go.” He sadly smiled at me.

I hurriedly went to Ethan. I can’t explain what I’m feeling. There’s a lot of things that’s running inside my head. What happened. Did she really leave him? But why? 

I almost reached home when I saw Ethan from afar. My heart was breaking at the sight of him. He looked so devastated. I admit I was so hurt seeing him be happy with someone else, but it felt like t*****e seeing him broken like this.

I hurriedly ran towards him. I hugged him. I hugged him so tight. As soon as he felt me, he cried so hard and hugged me back.

“A-Andi, she left me. She left me,” He keeps on repeating while sobbing. I cried with him. It hurts. I’m hurting for him. I’d rather see him happy with somebody else. Just not this.

“Shh! I’m here. I’ll never leave you.” That’s all I could ever say. I wanted to ask him badly what happened but I chose not to, yet. I just let him cry his heart out. He needed to let it all out.

“I am not enough for her. I gave everything to her but I’m still not enough. Andi, I don’t know what to do. It hurts. It freakin’ hurts.” Ethan was still crying very hard. I hugged him again. It’s just so frustrating that this is all I could do for him. But I know he needed this. I want him to feel that I’m here. I’ll never leave him.

We were just at the garden. I let him sit and cry everything out. Just to lessen the pain perhaps. I was crying with him. My heart was breaking for him. When he finally calmed down, I began to have the courage to ask.

“What happened?”

“She said she’s not happy anymore. She still loves me but she said she can’t do it. I gave her everything Andi. I made sure I make her feel that I love her every day. But it was not enough to make her stay.”

I didn’t know what to say. Is it really supposed to be that way? When you’re not happy anymore you’ll just leave? Is love all about happiness? When there’s no more happiness there’s no more love? Was Ethan not worth fighting for? I felt anger towards Jill. She didn’t realize how lucky she was. She was loved by the person I could only dream of. Maybe, life’s really like that. You will never be enough for the wrong person.

We stayed like that for a couple of hours. I didn’t mind. I let him say all the things that are hurting him. He needs to let go of those that hurt him so much.

“Sometimes, there are things that are not really meant for us. That’s the irony of life. There are people whom we meet along the way that we thought would stay forever but at the end, we will only realize that they were just passersby. There are things we need to learn from them that’s why God allowed us to meet them. And we’ll know those reasons as time passes by.”

I looked at him and held his hands. I smiled at him to assure him that I’ll stay by his side.

“I may not be able to feel the pain you’re feeling, but I know you can make it. I know one day, everything will all make sense. Just hang in there. I’m here. I’ll always be here. Even if you feel that the world already abandoned you, I will still be here. I’ll never leave. Not unless you want me to. That’s the only time I’ll leave.”

He hugged me after I said that. He hugged me so tight. I smiled. At least he knows that he still has me. He’ll always have me.

After that night Ethan became a mess. He doesn’t go to school anymore. I always make sure to drop by their house to check on him but he doesn’t let me in. He just locked himself in his room. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing but I just let him be for the mean time. Maybe he needed it. He needed to be alone for a while.

It’s my vacant and I decided to stay at the bleachers.

“Is sad face and drowning in deep thoughts really your thing?”

I looked at the man who suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Toby. He was wearing an all-black attire which matched his bad boy looks. It wasn’t a joke when I said that he could get any girl he likes. He really has the looks.

Honestly, I have become comfortable with his presence. If I’m going to think about it, he was always there when I needed someone. And I’m very thankful for that.

“Stop looking at me like that. I might fall for you harder.”

I didn’t know how to react with what he said. I was lost for words with his bluntness. He laughed at my reaction.

“If it wasn’t clear, I was referring to you last time. Yeah, You’re the one I like or love.” He sat beside me. “I’m still not sure about the depth of my feelings for you. I’m still figuring things out.” He looked at me. “But don’t worry. I’m not going to bother you. I know that you can’t see anyone else but him.” He sadly smiled and looked away.

“I’m sorry.” It sounded almost like a whisper.

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault.” He assured me.

“Is there any way that you can stop your feelings for me?” I felt guilty. I am hurting him.

“Can you stop your feelings for him?” He fired back.

I couldn’t answer him. I know the answer to my question but I was hoping that he could stop whatever he’s feeling for me. I know the feeling of a one-sided love. I didn’t want it to happen to anybody else. I didn’t want it to happen to him. I didn’t want to hurt him.

“Just don’t push me away. I won’t bother you with my feelings and don’t feel guilty about it. Sometimes life likes to play shitty things to people.”

We became silent. Probably thinking of the same thing. Destiny really likes to play with people. We always tend to fall in love with people who couldn’t reciprocate our feelings. It’s like a trend that life has been consistently playing with us. You can never be loved back by the person you love.

“Why me?” I suddenly asked.

“Why not you?”

“I mean, I’m not special. I’m just a nobody. There are a lot of women who likes you I’m sure.”

“Honestly, I was drawn to you at first because I was so curious of why you keep torturing yourself. I mean you can always choose not to be hurt. Or so I thought.” He stopped in the middle of what he was saying. He looked like he realized something. “I thought it was that easy. I thought If you tell somebody to move on, they can easily do that. I thought when you tell someone to let go, they can easily let go.”

He looked at me straight in the eyes. I can see emotions which were similar to mine. The hurt. the pain. the struggle to make yourself believe that you’ll be fine. It’s all there.

“Every time I see you cry because of him, every time I see you longing for him, it makes me want to take care of you. I wanted to make you smile. I didn’t realize that all of a sudden, I wanted to compete for your attention. I wanted you to look at me too just the way you look at him. I wanted to remove all the pain you’re feeling because of him. For a second I thought maybe, just maybe if I fight for what I feel you’ll be able to see me too.”

There were tears almost visible in his eyes. Why? Why does it have to be like this? I don’t want to hurt him. I never wanted to hurt him. If only we could teach our hearts who to love. If only we can tell our hearts what to do. But then again, the heart wants what it wants. In a battle between our heart and our mind, the heart wins most of the time.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. If only I knew, I should’ve kept my distance.” I was on the verge of crying while trying to hold everything in. “I could’ve done something. I should’ve done something. I’m so sorry.”

He laughed sadly at my reply. “hey, don’t make it so obvious that I did not stand a chance at all. It hurts you know.” He joked.

We both were silent for a while. Trying to come up with words to say. Then he broke the silence.

“Isn’t it funny? We both want someone who will never want us back.” He chuckled.

“Yeah. Destiny really played with us. It’s just unfair.” I laughed realizing our situation.

“But you know, I really did think of trying. I thought maybe I might end up full of ‘what ifs’ if I didn’t try.”

He was looking up. Probably trying to hold the tears that was about to fall. Then he looked at me. With those eyes full of pain.

“But every time I see the way you look at him, it always makes me realize one thing.” His eyes still looking at me with tears rolling down his face. Oh god, He’s in pain.

“You can never win a losing battle.”