Fake dating the captain

Chapter10

~LIV~

“That’s what you said last week.”

“Last week I meant it for like six hours.”

He slid a plate in front of me: bacon, scrambled eggs, toast with too much butter. My mouth watered and I hated my body for still functioning.

I picked at the toast. “I’m gonna call Sarah to come get me.”

“Sarah’s in Portland till Tuesday.”

“Uber then.”

“It’s forty minutes away and costs more than your rent.”

“I’ll sell a kidney.”

“You’d miss it.”

I shoved bacon in my mouth so I wouldn’t have to talk. It was perfect and crispy and I wanted to cry again because everything he did was perfect and I was the human equivalent of a dumpster fire.

He leaned on the counter across from me, arms crossed, watching me chew like I was a zoo exhibit. “You planning to look at me at any point today or is this the new vibe?”

I stared harder at my plate. “Can’t. Might spontaneously combust from shame.”

“Liv.”

“What?”

“Look at me.”

“No.”

“Liv.”

I slammed my fork down. “What do you want from me, Rowan? An apology engraved in gold? A PowerPoint of all the ways I’m garbage? Because I can do that, I’ve got material for days….”

“I want you to stop acting like I’m some saint you defiled.” His voice was sharp now, cutting through my bullshit. “You think I didn’t want it too? You think I stopped because I’m better than you? I stopped because you were gone, Liv. Your eyes were f*****g empty and I wasn’t gonna be another guy who took pieces when you weren’t there to say no.”

I opened my mouth. Closed it. Opened it again. “Well when you put it like that I sound like a rapey monster.”

“You sound like someone who’s drowning and grabbing whatever’s closest.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad that you think you’re only worth the worst parts of yourself.”

I stared at him so long my eyes watered. Then I shoved another piece of bacon in my mouth so I wouldn’t say something stupid like thank you or I love you or please never leave me even though I’ll probably ruin you.

He sighed and turned back to the stove. “Eat the damn eggs before they get cold.”

I ate the damn eggs.

We didn’t talk for a while. Just the sound of forks and chewing and my brain screaming at me to run. When the plate was empty I pushed it away and hugged myself.

“I should go shower,” I mumbled. “I smell like bad decisions.”

“You smell like my shampoo and bacon now. Improvement.”

“Still gross.”

He rolled his eyes. “Bathroom’s the same. Towels are clean. I’ll find you some sweats.”

I slid off the stool and hesitated. “Rowan.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m… I’m really sorry.”

“I heard you the first seventeen times.”

“No, I mean…” My voice cracked and I hated it. “I don’t know how to be around you when I’m sober and not awful.”

He looked at me for a long second. Then he walked over, cupped my face in both hands, and kissed my forehead like I was something breakable. “One disaster at a time, Liv. Start with the shower.”

I nodded against his palms, throat tight.

He let go and smacked my ass lightly. “Go. You’ve got twenty minutes before I come in there and drag you out. And I’ll enjoy it.”

“Pervert.”

“Only for you.”

I flipped him off as I walked away but I was smiling like an i***t and that scared me more than anything else.

In the bathroom I locked the door, leaned against it, and slid down until I was sitting on the tiles. The mirror showed a girl with mascara stains and wild hair and a bruise on her cheek from the dashboard and Rowan’s handprint still faint on her wrist from when he stopped me last night.

I looked like s**t.

I looked alive.

I turned the shower on scalding and stepped in before I could change my mind.

Twenty minutes later I came out drowning in his hoodie and a pair of sweats I had to roll eight times at the waist. He was on the couch, feet up, scrolling his phone. He looked up when I shuffled in and raised an eyebrow.

“Better?”

“Marginally less tragic,” I said.

“Good enough.” He patted the couch next to him. “Sit.”

“I’m not a dog.”

“Sit or I tackle you. Your choice.”

I sat. Far away on the other end.

He scooted closer until our thighs touched. “Personal space is cancelled until further notice.”

“Abuse of power.”

“Shut up.” He threw an arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his side. I went stiff for half a second then melted because fighting it was pointless.

We sat there in silence for a minute. Then I mumbled into his chest, “I’m still embarrassed.”

“I know.”

“You’re still not mad?”

“Nope.”

“You’re annoying.”

“Love you too.”

I pinched his side hard. He didn’t even flinch.

“Rowan?”

“Mm?”

“Thank you for not letting me be the shovel last night.”

“Anytime, girlfriend.”

“Girlfriend? You like me for real now?”