Pretending at sunrise

CHAPTER 6

Chapter Six – Holding On (Even When It Hurts)

The old fears returned with a vengeance—fear of abandonment, fear of being loved, fear that if I let anyone close enough to see the cracks, they’d run away for good. I couldn’t stop replaying every red flag in my own head: my depression, the insomnia, the way my moods threatened to poison anything bright. Bambina deserved better, I told myself, better than all my insecurities and diagnoses. Even if I clung on, wasn’t it inevitable she’d get bored, lose patience, and leave?

So I rehearsed the ending alone, convinced it was coming whether I chose it or not.

That night, the shift was obvious—my mood off, my vibe hollow. Bambina noticed right away. She asked what was wrong, and for the first time, I tried to explain instead of hiding. I spoke the tangled truth out loud, admitting that my depression had come back hard, dragging me into its familiar, suffocating darkness. She begged me not to give up on “us.” But I was scared—truly scared—for both of us. I told her maybe she should talk to other people, maybe she’d be happier somewhere my shadows couldn’t reach. She cut the call.

The minute the silence hit, panic followed. I couldn’t breathe—real, desperate, anxiety squeezing my chest. Had I just pushed away the one person who made me feel seen in forever? Was it fear of losing her… or was I actually in love?

Fuck. The realization shook me so hard I called her back, desperate to take back everything I’d just said. Of course she didn’t believe me—not after what I’d just done. Me and Bambina—two people bruised by trust issues and depression, each scared of being left, each haunted by old wounds. In trying to protect her from my pain, I’d gone and hurt her, maybe even broken something precious between us.

I hated myself for that. But I had to be honest—I told her I meant it now, I wanted her, all of her, even if I was scared. So I asked her: Will you be my girlfriend?

She said yes.

I wasn’t expecting it. Maybe nothing could have prepared me for that simple “yes”—not after everything I’d just tried to destroy. Happiness and guilt crashed together inside me: how could I feel this happy after just losing my grandfather? How could I be the reason Bambina now had her own new fear—that I’d leave her, just like I was scared she’d leave me?

But for that moment, tangled in love and grief, anxiety and hope, I knew: letting someone in is never simple, healing isn’t a straight line, and sometimes, the bravest thing is to admit when you want to stay.