In Too Deep

Not Today!

I wake to the sun beaming in my eyes and grunt, not wanting to be awake yet. I pull the covers over my head and listen to the sound of my kids playing in the other room. The sound of their laughter always had the ability to make me smile and change any mood I was in.

Getting out of bed and walking over to the room they were playing in was such an adorable sight. I watched them play for a while and decided it was time to go. I go to the room and quickly dress the kids and then head over to the bathroom and brush my teeth, wash my face and get myself dressed, I quickly sent a text to TJ explaining I had to go home, and she should call me when she gets up.

It's only 8 am and I know they will most likely sleep until 11. I walked back into the room and woke Emma. Hey twin, I'm leaving, so if you want to come with me, you have less than 10 minutes. You can shower at my place. She looks at me confused, then realization sets in, and she quietly gets up, uses the bathroom and comes out fully dressed. Let's get our things and go. We both giggle and leave the place with the kids. We stopped at a breakfast restaurant before we got on the road and all ordered what we wanted. The kids were happy, and I was truly pleased when the food was served quickly and the cook was really talented. The food was scrumptious. Emma was pleased with her order, and we all got a snack to go for the road.

Once we finished our breakfast and got back to the car, we strapped the kids in and I pulled off. Twin looked over at me and gave me a look. I already knew she wanted answers, but right now I didn't have any to give. So whats the plan? she asked" You know you can't just avoid them forever, you're going to have to figure out who you truly want to be with, and I know I can't tell you who to be with, but my money is on Bishop. She shrugs... I look over at her and sigh, I just hate that I feel so torn over this. I hadn't expected any of this and i really wish i could go back in time and just not go ... I mean, it would be so much simpler. Twin you know you can't go back in time and what happened, happened.. So now it's time to really buckle down and make a choice, and I mean, is there really even a choice here? Do you want to be the second choice to some other woman and just to be cheated on? Nick kinda has a pattern.

I sign and look forward focusing on the drive home, with backroad therapy on blast. We sing along to the song and in that moment i realize what I need to do... I have to choose myself.

I'm going to turn them both down. I'm clearly not good at choosing, so I just won't.

My phone buzzed and it's Liz, hey b***h playmate tomorrow? I texted back absolutely we got a lot to talk about.

sleep over at my place? uh duh I'll bring the wine. Love ya best. Liz ends the chat.

I can't help but think of all the fun Nick and I have but I know that it, it is just that fun. He will never leave her, and I do feel guilty of even being in this situation with him, but my heart flutters with him. I don't know if it's just s****l chemistry that had my mind clouded, but I need to stop, and Bishop is such a good guy with his head on his shoulders & and I'm clearly a total mess, Could we even work together? What if I hurt him? He is such a great guy and Even tho he is so hot and such a gentleman. I cant say with sertanty, I'm the right one for him but there is something about him, that makes mine smile just by looking at him & that makes me want to give him a chance, we knew each other for years but that leaves another major problem in the way, what if we do this and it doesnt work out and it toally ruins our friendship? . My head and heart are clouded and I need to focus and really get intough with myself, and figuring out what the hell I want.. I have to concintrate on something other than this. We finally reach home and I kick off my shoes, I get the kids situated and then head downstairs to make myself a cup of coffee, I grab my book and head to the door to sit on my porch swing, I hear twin yell to me that shes going to shower and then meet me outside. I use this time to clear my mind and focus on reading the current novel and few chapters in I look up from my book into the field across the street from me and realize that I want to be like the woman in the book. Focused on her career and life and is adamently sworn off men and she is truly happy,...well so far into this book she is.

I know myself and I know that I need to focus on my little family and not on a guy. so I put the book down, and finish my coffee as I allow myself to fully clear my mind. I head inside and grab all the ingredients i'll need to make lunch, after washing my hands, I grab the biggest mixing bowl I own and start to add ingredients to make the dough, I always enjoy cooking so I will zone out while I make this pizza.

I'm almost done with adding the toppings when my phone rings, I tap my ear bud to answer it without checking the screen, hey,.. are you okay? I hear a concerned sounding Bishop in the line.

Hey, yeah im fine, I just needed to head home. Im sorry for not saying anything before I left but my mind was swirling and I had to get away.

I get it but I wish you would have said something, I knocked on the door hoping to talk to you but you were already gone so I guess I'll just say it to you now. Tara I'm sorry that I made things awkward or even complicated for you but I really needed to get everything off my chest, I dont want to lose another oppertunity to tell you how i feel or lose you to mike... Tara your too good for him and even if you decide not to give me a chance, I still want you to know i'll always be here and always love you even if you dont feel the same. Bishop says.

I sigh, Bishop I just need some time, there are so many emotions swirling around and I dont want to impulsively make a decision and regret it.

Okay is all Bishop says and I feel bad but I know beiung honest is best for us all even if it comes out wrong.

I say bye and hang up, then return my focus to the pizza infront of me, I make two large pies and pop them in the oven. As I finish setting the timer, Twin walks in to the kitchen and hugs me I sure she knows how much I need it.

She helps me clean up the kitchen and make the juice and warm the dipping sauce. The kids run down stairs right on time as I remove the pizza from the oven. We all eat and talk when my phone rings. I look at it and look away, Do you want me to grab that she asks but I dont answer , I simply shake my head no, she understands so she declines the call for me. Right now, I just cant deal with anyone. I am simply going to enjoy my pizza and just stay in the moment.