Graceless

Noah and the flood

Falling apart should come with a repair guide, Odelle thought as she gathered the last of the lilies from the window stand. It’s been months since he left and the dull, aching feeling in her chest seemed to have made itself a permanent resident. Sometimes when she was asleep, sweet images unfolded themselves in her head where she was safely wrapped in his arms or where she swore she could feel him breathe next to her, but as soon as they came she would wake up searching for him, drenched in cold sweat, feeling sick to her stomach. Eventually she gave up sleep as a whole; the thought of being awake and miserable was much more comforting than being lied to in her sleep and waking up in agony. In her dreams she lost him over and over again.

Ann, the kind old lady whose flower shop she worked at, had tried a couple of times to distract Odelle by inviting handsome young men into the shop to “buy” flowers from her. She appreciated it, but would never admit to Ann that she saw him in every one of them. Sometimes in the curve of a smile she would see him laughing in her kitchen with a wooden spoon in hand, other times it was in the hopefulness of their eyes that she found him looking at her from across a room as if there was no one else to see. Ann noticed eventually that her plan wasn't working and put Odelle in the back where the arrangements were done, where she didn’t have to see people at all. She even offered to lock up so that she could stay late and avoid running into anyone on her way home. The looks of pity and hugs of sympathy they gave her only made things worse. They couldn’t understand that she had nothing left in her, that would allow her to act like she cared for their concern. She knew that it hurt the people close to her to see her slowly deteriorating, but they would never hurt like she did.

“You know self-pity really isn’t a good look on you,” a familiar voice said and stopped Odelle in her tracks, just as she pulled the key from its lock. She turned around to glare at Noah, ignoring the growing panic in her chest. 

“You should know, you permanently look like someone killed your cat,” she retorted and crossed her arms over her chest in mock absolution. Noah stared back at her with surprised eyes before breaking out into a grin. She smiled back at him just as he pulled her into a hug. Her head awkwardly slammed against his shoulder, but it was comforting having Noah close to her again.

“I missed you Elle.”

Odelle breathed in the smell of Noah’s aftershave- it didn’t remind her at all of Ferryn- it was familiar and disarming, “I missed you too Noah, I didn’t think you were coming back.”

A few years ago when Odelle first arrived in Kent, fresh out of university with a trunk full of clothes and no idea what to do next, she had drifted toward the smell of coffee coming from a nearby diner. She had to leave her trunk outside and was forced to sit by the window to keep an eye on it. She ordered whatever was still hot and the local newspaper to see about available jobs and cheap rent.

Suddenly a very blond man slid into her booth and smiled like they’ve known each other for years, “If you’re looking for a place to stay, maybe I can help?”

Odelle was immediately disgusted, she thought that small towns were supposed to have less creepy men, “No thank you, I’m not that kind of girl.”

The smile had vanished from his face and his chestnut eyes turned down, “Oh no,” he said in lifted his hands as if to surrender, “I did not mean that in a weird kind of way. I just noticed that you’re not from around here and that you were checking out the rent-able section and well, I’ve been looking for someone to take over my rent, because I have to move soon. I just,” he rubbed the back of his neck that had been turning red as he spoke; “I just thought I’d mention it to you.”

Odelle really looked at him for the first time and saw that he had a friendly, honest face. He was handsome, but somehow he also didn’t look like the kind of handsome man you’d find in the city. He was lean built and tall, but not abnormally so. His eyes, which she first thought were chestnut, were more cognac and radiated the kind of light that was missing in most people. His hair was straight, almost white-blond and it looked like he drew his fingers through it while it was still wet, making it stand up in odd ways that didn’t exactly look messy or neat.

She held out her hand and he shook it with a nervous grin, “Odelle,” she said.

 “Noah,” he replied and drew his hand back, careful not to linger. 

“I’m sorry for being so rude. I’m not really used to people just being nice because they can and you are right, I just got into town today. If I look back now, it probably wasn’t the best idea to pack up and go without having somewhere to go,” she smiled at him, something she rarely did, “ so thank you for taking pity on a stranger.”

Noah folded his arms over his chest and leaned back, relaxing almost immediately, “So tell me, what is a cultured girl like yourself doing in a small town like Kent?”

Odelle felt herself stiffen at the question, not because it was unreasonable to ask, but because she was uncomfortable sharing her past with anyone, even if he was the kindest person she’d ever met. Noah seemed to sense her reluctance and shook his head, “No worries, we all have things we don’t like talking about. How about we start small? I’ll tell you about my dreadful life and you feel free to tell me about yours when you feel comfortable enough.”

Odelle wanted to protest, but the softness in his eyes and the shyness of his smile somehow told her that he was someone she could trust eventually and so she let him talk while she listened. He told her about his father, who wanted him to be a lawyer so they could be partners and how disappointed he had been when Noah decided to study Languages and become a writer; his mother that never seemed to care what he did, but was always proud of him. He told her about his brothers and when he mentioned the youngest, she saw, but didn’t say, that the memory pulled the corners of his mouth down and put dullness into his eyes. Through the course of their conversation she learned that he ran the local paper and was the sole writer of every article in it. Kent was apparently not the type of town where people liked thinking too much about things if it didn't have to do with gossip. He told her that he was moving back home, because his father was sick and his mother couldn’t cope alone, but Odelle didn’t ask any questions. By the end of the day she had spent hours listening to Noah talk and had said little about herself. He arranged for her to stay in an Inn until she found her feet and they agreed that as soon as the paperwork was sorted out, Odelle would move into his apartment.

The next day he introduced her to Ann, who gave her a job almost as soon as she’d introduced herself. She and Noah spent a lot of time together in the weeks that followed and although people expected them to eventually start dating, they only grew closer as friends. Sometimes Odelle though she saw something in the set of Noah’s shoulders that meant he had something to say, but he never got around to saying it and she never asked. She still told him little about her past and he never pushed her for answers. Noah introduced her to everyone he knew, which in Kent was the entire town, and soon she felt more at home there than she had ever felt anywhere else.

It was only a three months ago that Noah’s father had passed and Noah decided to leave town after the funeral to clear his head. In that time, Odelle’s world had fallen apart, but she would never admit that to Noah, who she knew had enough on his mind to worry about. He called only a few times while he was away, but they never spoke long and neither one was prepared to ask the other why there was so much strain in the words that they spoke.

Now they were standing in the dark in front of the flower shop and Noah was back and Odelle was broken, but still neither asked.

Noah slightly pushed her away and rubbed the back of his neck- a nervous habit, “I wasn’t coming back yet, but Ann called me,” he said.

 Odelle didn’t have to ask why Ann called, she already knew. So instead of talking, she just started walking in the direction of the diner. Noah didn’t push the matter and walked wordlessly with his hands in his pockets, until they entered the diner and sat down in their regular booth. Joan, the waitress brought them coffee without them asking and they both thanked her with reluctant smiles.

Joan put her hand on Noah’s shoulder, “It’s good to see you hun',” is all she said before she walked away.

Odelle noticed that Noah seemed different somehow- his shirt was slightly tauter over his chest and his usually mid-length hair was longer, only slightly touching his cheek where he kept it tucked behind his ear. He looked good, considering everything that happened.

He looked around the room before speaking and when he did, his voice was careful, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here Elle,” Noah said and reached across the table to take her hand. She let him, finding slight comfort in a touch so familiar.

“It’s not your fault Noah you had your own things to work through.”

He shook his head, “If you needed me you should’ve just called Elle, you should have called anyway,” he gave her hand a tight squeeze.

Odelle felt her eyes start to burn from oncoming tears and withdrew her hand from Noah’s, placing it on her lap under the table where he couldn’t see it shaking, “I didn’t want you to drop everything and come rushing back. I was fine, I am fine,” she felt the lie leave her lips and flinched inwardly. Noah would know she was lying. He always knew.

He laid his hands flat against the table, “Damn it Odelle,” he breathed through clenched teeth, “You’re lying to me and you know it. You aren’t fine, you look like crap. You’ve lost weight, your nails are bitten and the dark circles under your eyes means you’ve been crying,” he looks out the window into the distance, “I kept hoping you’d call. I knew something was wrong. When Ann called and told me what happened, or what she thought happened, I came. Cut the crap Elle, talk to me.” His voice was frustrated and pleading.

Odelle felt something in her break and soft sobs racked through her ever nerve, causing her body to tremble. Big teardrops fell onto her lap as she closed her eyes and wished she was anywhere else. She knew that by now the whole diner was looking at her with the same pathetically sympathetic gazes that followed her down the streets. Everyone wanted to know what happened, but too scared to ask,they  started rumors instead, speculating on their version of events. Everyone in town knew some version of the story, but no one knew the truth. Seeing her cry meant that they were now tuned into her and Noah’s conversation like an FM-radio, ready to report on the weekly news. She felt Noah slide in next to her and put her arm around her shoulder; she shrank into him and cried a little louder when he put his own hand over hers, to  help her cover her face from any curious bystanders. He held her for a while, until she stopped hiccuping and lifted her head to lay it on his shoulder.

 He drew his arm back to his side and gently lifted her chin so she was looking at him, “Are you ready to talk now?” he asked and all Odelle could do was nod.

Noah slid back into the opposite side of the booth and looked around. “No one here,” he said, making his voice loud enough for everyone to hear, “has any right to listen in on this conversation. So you all can mind your own business our we’ll take ours elsewhere.” The room started wheezing like a ventilator pumping air as everyone hurried to look busy or scurried into far away corners. Noah never raised his voice. Everyone in town loved him, so they knew that his warning carried more than the protecting tone of a worried friend.

His gaze leveled with hers and Odelle let out a shaking breath, “Ferryn disappeared, Noah. He disappeared and took my life with him.”