I love you, stupid!

Ten

Arkin

About ten years ago...

I’m here.

I bit on my lower lip as I pressed send and dropped my phone face down on the table as I continued fidgeting.

I’m still not sure if I really want to be here but there are a lot of things I am not sure at the moment I want to at least cross one thing off the many long lists.

And so here I am.

In a cafe two hours away in another town, meeting the guy I had been texting with for a little while now.

I know, I shouldn’t. 

For one, it’s dangerous. I don’t even know the guy.

But that is also what is good about all these.

I don’t know him so it would be easier.

Specially because I am just trying to test the waters.

And by waters I mean if I really am attracted to the same s*x as per I had been feeling lately.

Well, actually, I has been really feeling funny about the same s*x back in elementary but I have not given it much thought until high school and I learned about boys my age dating each other and stuff and all those rush of happiness I felt back in third grade when this particular kid would ask me for my pencils almost everyday resurfaced with a bang.

I tried to suppress it. 

The gods know I did but I’m almost graduating and I still didn’t feel like going out with girls despite many attempts.

And so, here I am on a cafe sipping my third cup of green mango smoothie I could almost feel my stomach flipping waiting for the first guy I decided I wanted to try getting to know.

He’s a freshman from a college nearby who lives in the same town.

A friend gave me his number.

That friend actually meant to give me a girl’s number with the hope that I would finally get to date but I didn’t know what happened how come I ended up texting him and he turned out to be a guy.

Another point.

This must be fate.

Anyway, we’ve only been texting for a couple of weeks now before I finally decided I wanted to meet him.

And so, here I am all fidgety, sweating and nervous as hell.

“Arkin?”

I blinked and swallowed loudly before I nodded at the guy towering over me.

My smoothie straw fell off my mouth and into the table as I stared at the guy’s face.

“Can I sit here?”

Al asked.

That’s his name.

“Did you wait long? Sorry. Traffic was really bad and I had to find a parking for my car.”

He said as he took the seat in front of me not waiting for my response and I could only smile at him gingerly.

“I—Uhm. Nah. No. Uhm I just—I just got here.”

I said as I glanced at three empty smoothie cups on the table.

“Yeah, right.”

Al chuckled and I could only swallow dryly.

“How did you know it’s me?’

He smiled.

“Uniform.”

Right.

We both told each other where we go to school among others.

“And well, because, you are the only good looking guy in here.”

He winked at me.

Damn this guy is hot!

I mean, he is really good looking.

Is this it!?!

Will I be confirming my sexuality any time now!?!

“So, like what you see!?!”

Al asked me with a smile showing off his pearly whites even after digging in to a pineapple juice and a chocolate moist cake which he asked me to order for him beforehand.

“Huh?”

I raised my eyebrows at him.

“You refused to give me your f******k and turned down my request of showing each other’s picture and opted for a meet up I’m just curious if whether or not you were disappointed.”

I bit on my lower lip.

“Well, I—haha—how should I say this, Uhm—-first off all, I did not refuse you my f******k—I just really don’t have one just yet or never. Anyway, second of all, you’re not a disappointment. It’s actually the other way around. Maybe you are disappointed?”

Al smiled and then gradually chuckled as he reached out a hand to pat me on my shoulders.

“You’re exactly what I envisioned.”

I didn’t mean to but I slowly mirrored the smile Al had on his face and that started our three hour stay at the cafe talking about random stuff and just hitting it off as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Something I was never able to feel with all those girls I dated.

“So, Uhm, can I. Can I see you again?”

I bravely asked Al as we walked our way along the gallery of shops into his car when we finally decided it was time to leave.

I really had fun talking with him and I guess I wanted to have fun again.

“What kind of question is that!?!”

Al looked at me adoringly with a little hint of a mischievous smile on his face.

“What’s with your question!?! Who says I’m letting you go already?”

I blinked at Al.

He smiled at me.

“You are really cute, do you know that?”

I flinched a little.

Not because of what he said but because of a sudden strike of pain in my stomach.

Shit!

“Haha.”

I awkwardly smiled at Al as I tried to relax myself.

The pain was starting to build up again and I was starting to sweating profusely.

I had to move back a little when he leaned into my ear.

“I already booked a hotel around the corner.”

My brows furrowed with what he said and that smarting pain crossing the center of my stomach again.

“Oh—ha, ah, are you. Are you staying for the night?”

I asked as I felt that familiar spasm of gas inside my stomach that wanted to come out.

Shit!

Shit!

This can’t be happening!

This is soooo embarrassing.

“What me!?! Us.”

Al said and winked at me the same time I clutched on my stomach and squeeze on my back side.

I can’t let the threatening air come out.

“Hey, Arkin, are you okay!?!”

Al finally noticed and wiped the sweat I had all over my forehead.

“Ye—yeah. Just. Just a little nervous.”

I said and I was not even lying.

I’m nervous because I felt like I was going to embarrass myself any moment then.

“Oh, well...”

He said with that same smile on his face yet again.

He’s really nice.

“I understand. You really can’t help but be nervous on your first time right?”

I smiled and nodded at whatever Al was saying which I was no longer paying attention to because my stomach was already churning that I thought it wouldn’t just be gas that will be coming out soon.

Of all the time available and my stomach chose to act up now.

Was it all smoothie!?!

“As I expected. You smiled. So you agree to have s*x with me tonight right?”

I made a face at Al.

“Huh!?!”

I asked him loudly the same time a silent but deadly air came out of me.

I know it was deadly because I can smell it and I was sure so did Al.

I was surprised with what he said that I was not able to hold it in any longer.

“What the! What the hell is that smell!?!”

Al instinctively covered his nose and looked at me disgustingly.

I shook my head and stared at him in horror.

Damn!

This is so fvcking embarrassing.

But boy was my stomach feeling better already.

“Was that...”

“Me. That was me. Sorry. Too much balut, I guess. Hehe.”

I blinked at the guy who stood beside me with his right hand up on the air while the other was holding his back pack on his shoulder.

He has got the same uniform as I do and only when I was able to recover from shock and embarrassment did I realize who the guy was.

But I had no time for pleasantries because I could already feel a tragedy coming again. Surging as if it was the last thing it would do that I pushed my way in between Al and the new guy to run towards the comfort room but not before shouting.

“It was nice meeting you Al but there’s no way I’m going to have s*x with you!”

I had no time to see Al’s and everybody’s reaction with what I just shamelessly shouted in a middle of a busy block because at that moment, all I could think of was a peaceful release and to not embarrass myself even more.

“You took your time.”

I jolted when I heard a familiar voice. I turned to see him calmly leaning on the wall beside the comfort room door. His arms lazily crossed in front of his chest.

I just finished my business and boy did it feel so good!

“Your—you’re still here!??

I swallowed dryly.

This is embarrassing. More embarrassing than that with Al’s.

At least he’s not from my school, but this guy...

“Yeah, well, I couldn’t help but get worried about you. You looked like you’re about to die in there earlier.”

He said as he stood properly and went for the exit.

He’s exaggerating.

“Anyway, since I can see that you’re well, I’m off then.”

I was not able to reply with what he said as he waved a hand at me and strutted away.

“Wait!”

I called out and run after him.

He stopped on his track and let me catch up before we walked quietly side by side each other towards the bus stop.

“Thanks.”

I can feel him looking at me with my bowed head.

“For earlier. Thank you.”

I felt so hot in the face with embarrassment.

“Don’t mention it. We’re from the same school. If we don’t help each other who else will? Besides, I did it because I felt kind of guilty judging your date.”

I blinked up at him.

“I saw how you were all uncomfortable talking to him and stuff so I assumed he was coercing you to do something you don’t want to that’s why I followed you two when you left. Then it turned out, it was a different kind of thing that’s forcing you so to redeem myself   I helped you out so you guys could still go on your second date.”

I bit on my lower lip.

I don’t know what to do with that information.

“Next time, just relax okay? Don’t let the nerves get the better of you.”

I did not know how to respond so I just looked at him for a while before I could finally find the words to say.

“Tsk. I don’t think there will ever be a next time. That was my first and it was a disaster, imagine if ever there will be a next time.”

The guy beside me stopped walking and I had to stop too.

“What!?! That’s basically what dating is all about, it’s a hit and miss. You don’t get a partner overnight and you don’t always get a perfect date.”

Duh. Easy for him to say. He is a hotshot after all.

“What’s with the look!?!”

I straightened my face when I realized I unconsciously narrowed my eyes at him.

“Nothing. I just. I was just trying it out you know, see if I really want it. It turned out I don’t so if you know, we could just keep this between us...? I mean, not that you would talk about me to others cause who am I anyways?!? It’s just that I really still am not sure about this whole thing so I would really appreciate it if I could figure it out myself first before I let anyone know or something...”

I was blabbering and walking beside him until I realized I was walking alone and when I looked back, the guy was about a meter away from me, smiling and shaking his head.

“What?”

I asked dumbfounded.

Instead of answering, he just continued shaking his head and walked up to me.

“You’re really something.”

Considering I just sort of came out to him and after that embarrassing incident from earlier I guess he had all the right to say so.

“ What’s your name?”

I blinked at him.

Why is he asking my name!?!

Is it so he could talk about me and make fun of me using my first name!?!

“I’m just asking so I’d know you and you’d know me.”

He smiled at me and I couldn’t help myself.

“I know you.”

It’s impossible not to.

Not when he’s maybe one of the reasons why I am confused as hell at the moment.

“Yeah?!?”

He smiled that smile again.

“I’m Arkin.”

I said trying to straighten my voice.

Not sure why I am more than talkative around him compared to when I was with my date earlier.

“You are...”

I looked up at his smiling face wondering if it’s really him that I was with all those times and smiled when I felt his hand on my arm guiding me to the bus stand and I couldn’t help but smile when I said his name.

“Joaquin Fico…”