Rage
1022 Words
Ethan's POV
When I got home I went for a run, trying to get away from the dirty feeling that had creeped into my mind when I realized I was looking at Elena like I once had Rosa. Since her death I hadn't been with another woman, hadn't even looked. Yet here I was looking at a woman when my trials weren't even done. Why was I so weak? I should be working hard to make sure no-one ever felt my pain, not setting myself up for more pain. When Rosa died my heart died with her and I liked it that way.
I ran until I couldn't breathe, my chest expanding painfully as I tried to hold back bitter tears that continued to fall. How could I betray the woman that I loved by looking at another? She would never love someone else, was buried with the ring that I had given her, so how could I consider being with someone else? I was weak, that was the only option. Limping my way back to my apartment I resolved to put Elena out of my mind, focusing on things that actually mattered.
I made a healthy dinner, avoiding anything that would possibly lead to health complications. Some people say that my food is bland, that they worry I eat mechanically. The truth is I don't even taste food anymore. It's something I have to put into my body to get the results I want. I live to make the world a better place for girls like Rosa, my own likes or dislikes don't really matter.
I spend a few hours looking at new medical research online and trying to focus on paperwork that I brought home. Usually throwing myself into my work is enough to make sure that I will be able to concentrate, but today it's not enough. The sweet smile that Elena gave me and the enthusiasm that she approached her upcoming placement with were swirling around in my head.
I gave up and went to bed, stripping off my clothes, brushing my teeth, and showering on auto pilot. A routine I had long since perfected in the worst of my depression. Laying down I willed myself to sleep, to meet up with my love Rosa in my dreams, to escape to the world I had long ago made in my mind where she was still alive. But sleep wouldn't come. Thoughts of Elena kept haunting me, questions about what she was like, how long she would be around, if she even would like me, all of these things kept floating to the front of my mind. I felt manic, filled with energy and dread, terrified, but I wanted to see her again. I laid in bed for several hours, staring at the same ceiling, noticing how little in my life had changed over the last few years.
Finally, I got up, going down to the in building gym and running more on the treadmill. When that didn't work I got boxing gloves on and went at the bag in the middle of the room until I felt like my hands were throbbing. Even that didn't seem to calm me, instead I just felt frustrated and like I was spinning my wheels in place.
With a yell I tore off the gloves, running at the bag and rebounding off of it. Hitting the ground served only to make me angrier, frustrating me and causing me to let out a primal growl. I was glad that the room was sound proofed, one of the reasons that high stress professionals rented in this building.
Giving up all semblance of control I threw my gloves at one side of the room and upended the containers of workout balls and various workout pieces. I kicked the platforms used for step workouts and watched them bounce, finally I dragged down the weight shelves. Leaving the area around me completely wrecked, like my heart felt inside my chest. Breathing heavily I surveyed the destruction and finally let myself sink to the ground and cry. I wasn't a tough male scientist who had spent his life distancing himself from his emotions, I was just a scared boy who wanted something so much it hurt.
I stayed there well past 3 am, crying until I had nothing left in me. Somehow no-one else came down so I didn't have to explain the mess. Feeling drained I got up and starting putting the room to rights. Taking time to stack everything properly and be thankful that nothing in the room was really able to be broken. My tantrum embarrassed me, but I was glad I had it here and not in my office. One too many broken beakers and visits to the nurse had taught me that certain places were better to lose control than others.
When my body felt completely wrung out and when I was able to move on my own again I dragged myself upstairs. The clock on the wall blinking 4:30 am to me. Forcing myself to remain upright just a little while longer I walked into the shower, letting the hot water fall down on my body, warming me and erasing the traces of my tears. My sore muscles started to relax, giving me a chance to fully catch my breath and start to calm myself.
I grabbed my tablet from beside my bed and sent a message to my assistant that I wouldn't be in until later in the day. Thankfully I often worked late, chasing after a discovery, so I was able to set my own hours. No-one but myself would know about my loss of control. I settled down to meditate for a few minutes, letting the sweet feeling of nothing wash over me.
Examining my feelings and thinking critically for the first time in ages I realized that one thing was true. No matter how much it upset me, Elana made me feel like I was alive in a way I hadn't in years. Even if it was just to become her friend, I needed to see her again.
- Writer
