His H(a)unted Mate

03. The girl with a blanket

CHRISTINE

Dr Marie reminded me twice about group therapy. I already promised her to give it a try, so it would be rude to break that promise. Though I wasn’t convinced that sharing thoughts with other people was my cup of tea. Not even before my life turned upside down, I hadn’t been much of a talker. I preferred to listen. I had just a small circle of friends, among them my best friend Hannah. But all those “friends” turned their backs on me. Well, maybe it was the other way around. Maybe some of them tried to reach out to me, but I isolated myself. I was like a lone survivor cast away on a faraway island. The island, which was my simple room in Golden Meadows clinic.

“Miss O’Reilly, the session is about to start!” Nurse barked at me when I still played dead after being called up the first time. There was no one in the cafeteria except for me. I always came as the last one to eat, shortly before they were about to close. I preferred peace and quiet. Moreover, I needed someone to cut my food. It was one of the most embarrassing things in my life. I felt like a small child who didn’t know how to hold cutlery properly. I tried a workaround and asked to be served the soup only. But Dr Marie said I couldn’t live on liquid food forever. She arranged with the cook that someone would cut my meals upfront. It was a nice gesture, but still. I felt so useless whenever I dipped a fork into the precut meat.

“Alright, alright.” I sighed sharply and checked my shield. My upper body was safely covered by the red and black squares of the checkered blanket. I may have looked ridiculous because it was a warm day and the group therapy was supposed to be outside in the forest, but to me this was the only possible way to be in public without experiencing a panic attack. The blanket was a gift from Stephanie, Hannah’s older sister. She was the first person whom I allowed to speak to me after my transfer to Golden Meadows. I wrapped the blanket around my body and carried it everywhere with me. I even slept in it. And then Stephanie brought two more blankets for me because the first one started to smell terribly and required to be washed.

“Christine! I am so happy you decided to join us today.” Dr Marie greeted me cheerfully.

It took me a moment till my eyes adjusted to the bright light. I spent so many months locked inside that I almost forgot what sunlight could do to one’s body. They said sunlight was essential for the overall health and well-being. It generated the production of vitamin D, supported bone health, lowered blood pressure and, last but not least, it promoted good mental health.

“I’m so glad we can breathe fresh air, Chris. I miss the sun stroking my fur.” Astra sighed dreamily, inhaling into her fullest.

My gaze scanned through all the faces. This was a smaller group, up to seven people. I searched for anyone having a handicap like me. But no, all the limbs seemed to be in their original places. These people must have dealt with different types of trauma.

“Now that we are complete, let’s have a short walk. Clear your mind, take deep breaths in and out, and only observe the beauty of nature. Look around you, be curious, share your thoughts with your wolf.” Dr Marie instructed us and pointed at the path which headed to the nearest forest.

“This is stupid,” I announced. I made a secret eyeroll, one that only my wolf could see.

“Oh, don’t be so negative. Let’s try Dr Marie’s methods.” Astra nudged me with her muzzle and my feet started to walk on their own accord, following the crowd.

“Fine.” I gave up and started to look around myself. “I see trees and I hear birds. Now your turn.”

“Booooring.” The wolf yawned theatrically. I didn’t like her attitude, but I couldn’t scold her for it. She was right. I wasn’t really trying. I didn’t give it my best. So, I closed my eyes briefly and focused. On the sounds, on the smells. And when I opened them again, I started to describe the landscape in front of me, using the feelings which had built deep inside me.

“I walk on the path that looks like a silk scarf over green hills. It undulates with the earth leading onto the horizon of land meeting the sky. It could have been woven for thousands of years, perhaps in a place where time is truly forever, a place of eternal serenity. I feel how each footfall is cushioned from below and the next encouraged, for this is a path given to the one who seeks adventure and a chance to follow the rays of the sun.”

“Whoa. You should write a book.” The wolf looked at me with her jaw dropped. But the truth was, I really loved nature. Before that horrible attack, I used to spend so much time outdoors. Running in the woods, swimming in the lake, napping in the park. I just loved fresh air. How did I even survive hiding in the room for so long?

We entered the forest and Dr Marie showed us the little gathering made of stones and tree stumps. We seated ourselves in a circle and the session started. There was no predefined agenda, nor did anyone raise questions. Whoever felt like talking just raised a hand, stood up and shared his or her pain. Struggles. Concerns. Or success even. No one judged, no one complained and at the end of each speech we clapped our hands. Cheering the bravery of saying things aloud.

These people dealt with various problems. There was a lady who mourned the death of her child. There was a girl who was abused by her own mate. There was a man who burned down his own house after his company went bankrupt. And there was a boy whose wolf was still dormant at the age of 18 and the despair made him mad. They all just talked and talked about random feelings. Dr Marie glanced at me a couple of times, but I always shook my head. I was not ready to confess the horrors I experienced. Although I was pretty sure they all knew. Everybody knew who the girl with a blanket was.

“Dr Marie, can I stay in the forest for a bit longer?” I asked the therapist when the session ended, and the group started returning to the main building of the clinic.

“You shouldn’t be alone in these woods.” She narrowed her eyes at me.

“I need a moment with my wolf. Maybe I could try to shift.” Astra begged me for it for some time already. I haven’t shifted since the attack. I didn’t know what to expect, but it was time to face it. I just couldn’t bear having any witnesses. Not yet.

“How about 20 minutes and the nurse will wait for you nearby?” Dr Marie suggested.

“Fair enough.”

I waited till I remained alone in the forest and pulled off the blanket. I glared at the shoulder which missed the arm. Sadness was once again in charge and made a soft sob escape my mouth.

I shook my head, turning my concentration elsewhere. One more time I observed nature’s beauty. Upon the forest floor so woven with ancient tree roots came a light filtered by the bouquet of foliage above: softened, verdant and freshly aromatic. These trees rooted so deep and reached so high, they took in the rain and brought the gifts of verdant foliage upon brown wands. Here among the evergreens in this kingdom of root and branch, there was the tranquility of nature and a sense of natural clocks at peace with time. I sat on my knees, letting my fingers touch the wet and soft ground. I watched how the dappled light struck through the wooden giants and made a merry morphing mosaic of nature’s gift. Spectacular view.

“Are you ready to shift, Astra?”

“I… I am not sure.” She whimpered, her heart bouncing in her chest rapidly. She was stressed. She knew she would be missing one front leg. She couldn’t imagine how she would run with three limbs.

“We don’t have to do it. We can come another day.” I cooed to her when she started to cry. All that time, she was my anchor in emotional waters, while she was suppressing her own depression. Her own demons. The fear fed on her mind too. We were in this endless torture together.

“What if I fall?”

“Then you’ll get up.”

It was easy for me to play the heroine when it wasn’t me stepping out of the comfort zone. But Astra needed a little push. She was much braver than I. If it was not for her, I might not have been alive. She took away most of the horrors from my memory and stored them elsewhere, somewhere out of my reach. From time to time, they crawled back in the shape of a nightmare. I would wake up screaming and soaked in sweat, and Astra would lick my cheeks and the wounds of my soul. Now was my time to do the same for her. To support her.

“OK. Let’s do it.” She nodded approvingly as I started to pull the sweater over my head.

I was just about to strip naked when my sharp ears caught a tiny cracking sound of branches and rustling of dead leaves. The breeze caressed my face and let me sniff the scents around me. My eyes opened wide when I realized I was no longer alone in the forest. Who was approaching me? Was it a nurse maybe?

No. This scent belonged to a man.